10 Tactics To Stay Invisible And Slack Off At Work

Does your employer ask too much of you?

Recognition, raises and promotions are highly overrated.  People that get these things are suck-ups and have sold their soul to the man.  They seem happy, but I bet deep down inside they are miserable creatures that loathe all the attention they get at work.

What’s more, none of us wants to be married to our jobs anyway.  Is having a steady job really all that important?!?  Jobs are a dime a dozen.  Sometimes you just don’t fit it and besides I can draw unemployment for a nice long time right now.  Who needs a job?  Who wants to be a workaholic?

The more you work, the more they ask you to do.  It’s a never ending rat race.  That’s why I’ve developed some tactics for remaining invisible and slacking off at work.  These help me to fly under the radar while still drawing a paycheck at least for awhile.  Hopefully, they can help you do the same!

1.  Who said that “being late” is a bad thing?

Women have given “being late” a bad rap.  You can shave a little time off your workday by slipping in once everyone else is at their desk.  Being five minutes late is an ideal tactic because only the worst tyrant of a boss would get upset over 5 measly minutes.  Yet, when you combine this tactic with the others I’m about to mention, you can really avoid a lot of work.

2.  Break rooms are the oasis in the desert.

After you mosey in at 8:05, get your coffee cup and head immediately to the break room.  Your goal is to spend the entire morning here, but you might have to work up to this.  There is really an art form to it.  Here’s an example morning to help you get started:

• 8:10 – Start out by washing your coffee cup.  Take your time and get it really clean.
• 8:20 – Wash any other dishes in the sink while you are at it.  Get some out of the cabinet if you need to.
• 8:30 – This should by enough time for someone else to come in.  Strike up a conversation and try to keep it going for as long as possible.
• 9:00 – Try to engage as many people as possible in the conversation as they come to get coffee refills.  You might even consider buying donuts to lure people to the break room, if necessary.
• 9:30 – Once this breaks up, make yourself some breakfast and sit down to eat it.
• 10:00 – Now, it is mid-morning and more co-workers will probably filter in for breaks which allows you to strike up a whole other round of conversation.
• 10:30 – After this round of talks, wash your breakfast dishes.  Again, be sure to stretch this out as long as possible.
• 11:00 – By this time of the morning, you should be able to see that the break room needs a little attention.  Stock the cups, creamer, sugar and other condiments.
• 11:30 – Hopefully, you have successfully filled the time and now the early lunch bunch will start showing up.  I think you can figure out what to do from here!

3.  Stretch out your golden hour of opportunity wisely.

Stretching the length of your lunch break out as far as you possibly can is an opportunity hard to resist.  You want to eke out every minute that you can.  If you get caught, simply use an excuse like traffic was terrible or the restaurant was really slow today.  These are likely to get you off if you don’t use them too frequently.  Wise use of this tactic will buy you 10 to 15 minutes daily!

4.  Fire up the afterburners to keep from burning out.

I know cigarettes are bad for your health, but they are indispensable when it comes to slacking off.  Most employers still offer employees a place to smoke (usually outside) and time to partake of their habit.  The fact that smoking areas are outside is an added bonus because it takes a few extra minutes to get in and out of the building!

5.  Look out!  The boss is headed your way.

Practice this mantra, “That is not my job!”  Repeat it over and over in your head to be sure you are ready when your employer comes and asks you to do those little extra things that some would say are opportunities, but that we know are just sneaky attempts to throw more work our way.  We won’t be duped into getting a bunch of extra crap thrown in our laps!

6.  Makin’ copies is sweet as molasses.

Haven’t you heard?  The copier is the new water cooler.  That’s right.  Go hang out at the copier.  Take a big stack of paper with you and act like you have to make tons of copies.  You can collate, staple and stack them to make it look real.  In the mean time, you’ll have plenty of coworkers walk up needing copies.  This gives you the chance to act polite by letting them cut in on you wasting even more of your time!  Of course, be ready with plenty of questions about their kids, hobbies and the latest gossip!

7.  Drop-ins are always welcome.

When you get stuck and don’t know what else to do, go cruise the halls.  You can always find someone to drop-in on at their office or cubicle.  Chat it up!  You know those folks that love to talk so go find them.  Don’t let another minute pass without learning about their long lost relatives or their latest trip to the doctor.  These stories are priceless for burning minutes off the clock!

8.  For God’s sake, never waste a sick day!!!

Hopefully, this one goes without mentioning, but I don’t want to take any chances.  You might be a recovering workaholic.  Be sure you know exactly how to manipulate the company’s policies concerning sick days to your full advantage.  If you have kids, they are like having a “get out of jail free” card!  Most employers let you take a sick day if you have a “sick” child.  What a bonus!

9.  Takin’ care of business

Don’t fret!  I’m not talking about company business.  Did you think I had lost my mind?!?  No, I am referring to your personal business.  Pay your bills, balance your checkbook or shop for gifts online!  All of these are excellent ways to make the time pass without ever really accomplishing anything.  Plus, this frees up your time at home to play games on your Wii!

10.  Committees are the greatest invention since sliced bread!

Get yourself on a committee.  Everyone knows that committees never accomplish anything.  You can set in endless meetings without ever having to do any real work.  This is a last ditch effort due to the boredom involved, but it is still worth considering.  I recommend getting yourself some wireless earbuds so you can listen to your iPod during the meetings.  How brilliant is that?

WARNING – Not everyone will get the results desired!

Okay, hopefully it is obvious that I’m being facetious here.  I’ve blown up several bad habits larger than life to be a little funny (hopefully!) and to make a point.  These things and many others can waste a ton of your time on the job.  They can also cost you the recognition, raises and promotions you deserve.  Are any of these things standing in your way?  If so, it might be time to change your habits!

What did I miss?  What are other ways people waste time on the job?

Photo by LetTheCardsFall

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