3 Quick And Easy Steps Into A Self-Improvement Sinkhole.
“Maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves.”
~Chuck Palahniuk
The road to a better life is full of a lot of sinkholes. I think some of the well-meaning self-improvement material is misleading. It gives advice that leaves us feeling depressed and disillusioned. I know because I have been down this road more than once. I have sought the key to quick riches and happiness. I have searched high and low for the one book that would unlock the mystery and enable me to achieve everything I dreamed of in my life. Here’s a tip. It doesn’t exist!
The 3 quick and easy steps that get me nowhere fast.
I have found a fantastic recipe for making myself miserable. I’m wondering if anyone else experiences the same.
1. I Read a good self-improvement book.
I couldn’t count the number of self-improvement books I have read. I love them.
However, sometimes they get me fired-up and headed down the wrong path. Notice this step says read a "good" self-improvement book, not a great one. A well-meaning author of a "good" book will sometimes fill me with discontentment because my life doesn’t accommodate their ideas. These books usually include 3 quick and easy steps to achieve ultimate success.
This leads me right into the trap. I don’t blame this on the author or the book. It is totally me, but it could be you too. I want to learn to avoid falling for it.
2. I Become convinced that my life could be great, if only…
I become convinced that if I could ditch my present life and recreate it from scratch, then I would be happy. If only I could break the shackles I’ve created through all my past decisions, then I could be free to live a great life. I start feeling trapped and depressed.
I daydream about throwing away everything I’ve worked so hard for so I can be happy. I fall for this trap over and over again. Every time, I start out believing that this time I might discover the secret that will transform my circumstances into an idyllic utopia.
3. The misery creeps in as I come down off the high.
Of course, I never run away. I know I have it too good, but this doesn’t stop the miserable feeling. It creeps in, if I let it, as I realize my fantasies are just that. Why do I do this over and over again? Why do I set myself up and fail to see it coming? Why don’t I see the light at the end of the tunnel and realize it is a freight train barreling towards me?
This is when the disillusionment starts. I start wondering why I even try. I think about giving up and throwing in the towel. It is a bogus pit brought on by misguided thoughts.
I then wallow in my misery for varying periods of time feeling sorry for myself. It is all completely absurd and counterproductive. There is another way.
Real self-improvement begins with contentment.
Our lives are the sum of all the past decisions we have made. For me, most of these decisions were good ones and therefore led me to things I desired such as being married and having children. Yes, these things create certain boundaries in my life, but that isn’t bad. Here’s the truth:
True self-improvement begins with accepting your life as it is today.
It is not throwing everything out and starting over.
I can’t emphasize this enough! I think that all too often self-improvement books lead us to think that we have to rewrite our entire lives to be happy. This usually isn’t true. It is normally a fallacy. It is the same kind of thinking that leads us to try get-rich-quick schemes.
There are no short cuts to a better life.
We start believing that there is an easy way to a better life. A way to get what we want and get it fast. BEWARE! This is a terrible trap!
Many people start thinking that quitting their job, divorcing their spouse, and running off to a foreign land is the answer. This will not solve anything. It will only complicate and mess up your life to a point where true happiness may be put out of reach or at least delayed for many years.
Real self-improvement occurs within your existing life.
Real and lasting self-improvement is carved out within the life you already have. If your marriage is the pits, then fix it. Yes, it will be a lot of hard and painful work, but it will be worth it when you have a rich and rewarding relationship with your spouse. If your job sucks, then work your way to a better place. Will it happen overnight? Probably not, but at least you won’t still be stuck here six months from now.
Be grateful for what you already have.
Count the blessings you have! Practice gratitude. Remind yourself of all the good things you have to be thankful for. This is the foundation of true self-improvement. If you build upon this solid rock, then you will make progress. You will stop experiencing so many peaks and valleys. Instead, you will steadily climb toward your goals.
Start where you are and make it better.
I have not given up on improving my life. I seek to live life to it’s absolute fullest day by day. I do so starting exactly where I’m at. I accept my past decisions and build upon them. I make it all work because I know that this is the path to real happiness. It isn’t necessarily fast or easy, but it is trustworthy. Will you join me?
What sinkholes have you fell in on the road to self-improvement? Where have you found success?
Photo by ceonyc
Being grateful is hugely important, it’s something I’m trying to do more and more, even in situations that people might think are ordinary or nothing special
Another great post
Cheers,
Glen
Jeff-Great post. I know exactly what you mean about reading the latest book and getting all pumped up. You go off 90MPH and are pumped. Then reality sets in. You start slipping and the changes go away. Or you start getting frustrated because you don’t see anything improving. Or you find yourself so dissatisfied because your current life doesn’t meet your new expectations.
Most guru’s have you making sweeping changes. I’ve never found this to work. I find continuous improvement to be the best path to a better life.
I’ve started making one small but significant improvement each month and stay with it until they become a habit. I find the changes stick. Over time the changes add up and make a major difference. I go into this in my posts One step at a time and One Step at a Time-Revisited.
Love the picture!
I would add that self improvement begins with commitment.
@Glen – It is in the ordinary that we need to be grateful. This is where contentment comes from.
@B – I also like the idea of continuous improvement. I have found it to be much more effective.
@Ron – Commitment is important, but willpower will only get you so far. Starting with a sense of contentment and then continuouosly seeking to continuously improve in small, incremental ways will bring about lasting change.
Excellent comments!
Wow, this article gave me chills…
I am the classic person who always thinks the grass is greener elsewhere. My dream is to write and direct films, and sometimes I feel like I’ve made the totally wrong decision by buying a house and settling down. I have to remind myself that I’m only 23 and I’m still working towards my dreams through my daily writing habits and my website.
Sometimes though, I have the urge to sell the house, give away all my worldly possessions and travel the world. I have to have faith that there will be time for both. Exercise helps to keep me grounded, as does my partner (mr sensible!)
What a great article. Thanks, Jeff
As an analogy: The massive glaciers that changed and shaped the planet as we know it were slow moving and deliberate. The same has to come from profound change. It can also be slow and deliberate in order to have deep impacting change. That is not to say tossing it all out the window and starting over won’t work for some, it sure as hell will. But…when you are married with children like us it would be selfish to implement radical change in your life without considering all of the lives in your circle that will be affected. It’s your responsibility as a wife/husband/mother/father to make sure “everyone is cool” with any profound changes. I’m all for change and self improvement, however, as stated above the grass isn’t always greener in other pastures. You also have to “man up” and honour commitments (marriage, kids, job, certain debts) and make your situation as good as it can be within the commitments you have made. I hope this all makes sense because self improvement is a topic close to my heart and so is keeping your word and commitments.
Awesome post and very good points by the way!
Zendad
http://www.zendad.net
Hey Jeff,
Nice site. I saw you on stumble and thought I’d take a look. I’ll definitely being adding you to my RSS!
Thanks!
-HIB
http://happinessisbetter.com
Fantastic picture! I love the idea that, “Real self-improvement begins with contentment.” This is something I hadn’t considered, and it really struck a chord with me. Without being able to be satisfied, nothing’s ever going to click. I really enjoyed this one, and it’ll be on my mind for quite awhile.
@Jess – I’m glad this article struck a chord with you. I have some escapist tendencies so I wrote this as much for myself as anyone.
@Jason – Honoring our commitments is really what this article is all about. We can seek to live life to the fullest without bailing on our families and other obligations.
@HIB – I’m glad you found my site and thanks for subscribing!
@Sara – I’m glad to hear it had such a powerful impact on you. I really believe that you have to start from a place of contentment. Once you’ve accepted who you are and where you’re at, then you can begin to truly change.
I sincerely appreciate all your valuable comments!
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