Are You A Control Freak In Your Relationships?

PinExt Are You A Control Freak In Your Relationships?

headlock Are You A Control Freak In Your Relationships? We all want some control over our lives.  We want to feel like we govern the direction our life takes.  Of course, the circumstances of our life are largely determined by those around us.  Our spouses, kids, family members, co-workers, and friends have a huge influence.  Their behavior, good or bad, determines a lot about what we have to deal with in life.  Therefore, many of us want to control people.  Some of us even go too far in trying to control others.  We use whatever means available to get them to do what we want.  We become control freaks.

Some signs that you may be a control freak.

Control freaks rarely recognize they are one.  Admitting you are a control freak is sort of difficult because it requires you to acknowledge an unflattering thing about yourself.  It really takes quite a bit of healthy introspection and self-honesty.  These things seem fairly rare in our culture. 

We don’t like to admit we might be flawed.  Of course, control freaks especially hate to admit flaws because self-righteousness is really central to the psyche.  Control freaks are usually convinced they know the right way for everyone else to run their lives. 

However, if you are curious as to whether or not you are one, here are a few signs.  One or more of these symptoms generally exist in the life of a control freak.

  • Lack of delegation – Control freaks usually find themselves over-worked and exhausted.  Of course, we blame this on everyone else when in reality it is because we refuse to delegate.  Control freaks believe in the motto, "If you want it done right, you have to do it yourself!"  We are afraid to let anyone else do anything because the other person might screw up and their failure could reflect back on us.  We would never feel comfortable putting our livelihood in the hands of another like this.
  • Perfectionism – As you might have guessed, control freaks are often perfectionists as well.  We want everything done just so.  It is my way or the highway!  The two behaviors feed upon one another.  Again, self-righteousness is a hallmark of the control freak.  We often wonder why everyone else in the world are such idiots.  Control freaks cling to their perfectionism.  We may even be proud of it.
  • Friction and resentment – Control freaks often experience friction and resentment in their relationships.  Of course, we usually don’t understand why.  We just want what’s best for those we care about.  If they would just listen to us, then we could help them.  People don’t want to be controlled and they certainly get tired of being made to feel inadequate.  This usually creates friction and over the long-term a certain level of resentment.  The control freak usually tries to ignore this or blame it on the insecurities of others.
  • Fear – In more extreme cases, control freaks may realize others are afraid of them.   When necessary, control freaks will use intimidation to manipulate.  This intimidation can be physical or it can be emotional.  Those around us walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting us and receiving the fury of our wrath.  Somewhere in the back of their mind, control freaks know they create this fear and that it is wrong, but it is a power hard to give up.

If you identify at all with any of these, then you may want to go a little further before you call yourself a full-fledged control freak.  There’s more you can use in your diagnosis.

The tools of a control freak.

Control freaks have a lot of different methods at their disposal to get others to do what they want.  We are master manipulators.  If you aren’t sure yet whether you are a control freak, then assess yourself further by determining if you use these tactics in your relationships.

Guilt

Guilt is a favorite weapon of the control freak.  The masters can make you feel guilty without batting an eye.  It can be used in almost any situation and is effective on just about everybody.

Exaggeration

A control freak will blow the smallest thing out of proportion.  We will exaggerate our positive performance and your failures to manipulate the situation.

Withdrawal

Withholding attention and affection is another tool of the control freak.  If you don’t do what I like, then I’ll freeze you out.  Of course, withdrawal can also take the form of physical absence.

Passive-aggressive

Passive-aggressive behavior is devious.  It involves things like intentional procrastination and stubbornness.  An example might be intentionally failing to mail an important application until it is overdue thereby causing your spouse to miss an event they wanted to attend, but you opposed.

Belittling

Badgering a person continuously to ruin their self-confidence is a technique many control freaks use.  The intent is to make others weak and dependent.  I think this one gets used way too often on children.

Rage and threats

When all else fails, one of the more efficient means of controlling another person is intimidation.  The control freak can throw an impressive fit.  We will use our volume, size and strength to bully others into doing what we want.

Two steps to breaking free.

Being a control freak is unhealthy.  It generally will destroy a relationship.  Sooner or later those being controlled wake up and leave.  Once they are outside of our sphere of influence, they rarely return.  If you think you might be a control freak, then here are two first steps to breaking free.

1.  Admit the truth about yourself.

Recognizing you have a problem is often the hardest part of solving it.  If any of the above sounds familiar to you, then you probably need to come clean about your control freak tendencies.  Being honest with yourself and others won’t be easy, but it will start the healing process.  Admit your guilt and tell those around you that you are going to try to do better.  Enlist their help.

2.  Accept that performance does not equal self-worth.

Many control freaks feel that they are only as good as their latest performance.  They equate their self-worth to how well they are doing on tasks, raising a family, etc.  This is dangerous.  It makes you want to micro-manage and control every aspect of life to prevent any type of failure.  This is often a root cause of becoming a control freak.  Accept yourself for who you are!  You have intrinsic qualities that make you a valuable, lovable person even if your life isn’t perfect.

Control freaks please don’t continue to do damage to your most valuable relationships!  Use this information to recognize what you’ve been doing and start making changes.  The results will amaze you.

Are you a control freak?

Photo by Glutnix

PinExt Are You A Control Freak In Your Relationships?

16 thoughts on “Are You A Control Freak In Your Relationships?

  1. Alternatively, people do need to “take control” of their own lives and life choices. There are a lot of people out there who are waiting for their significant other to make all the choices. I hear a lot of “my husband/boyfriend/whomever won’t let me.” Taking control of the flow of your own life is not, of course, the same as being a control freak. Maybe the trick is to figure out which one is which!

  2. Hi there I agree with Mary- I wrote a book called “The Control Freak Revolution” (Career Press 2008) aimed at people taking positive control in the workplace. Believe it or not many people do not know that any of their behaviors are controlling. You can usually tell because people will avoid you, not invite you for lunch and generally have a look of dread when you walk up to them. However taking positive control means valuing yourself and others while taking positive action to create what you want in life.

  3. @Mary and @Cheryl – You make an excellent point. There is such a thing as positive control that is very important to becoming successful. However, this does differ from being a control freak which tries to micro-manage everything and everybody.

    If you find the people in your life responding negatively to your control, then you might be a control freak. Another way to tell is to just ask those around you, if you dare!

    Thanks for pointing this out!

  4. I didn’t think I was a control freak, but I may be. This was great reading, and I love how you used “we” as if you are one too, even if you’re not.

    When it comes to lack of delegation, I have become like that because I live with a passive aggressive. Anyone who’s been in that type of relationship for any length of time knows they cannot delegate to them and keep your sanity. LOL.

    I do have a tendancy to give advice, because I’m old, “been there, done that”. If they choose not to take my advice that’s up to them. I do understand people have to make their own experiences and mistakes.

    Fear- Yeah, but only because they know as well as I do I asked “nicely” 50 times before I went psycho. Then they want to fix it, but then it’s too late. You should have fixed it after I asked the 49th time. LOL.

  5. When you’re the man of the house, why the hell shouldnt you be in control? After all isnt it your paycheck, your sweat and blood that makes the family function? If I make a rule thats in the familys best interest, shouldnt it be followed? Just because I command respect doesnt mean Im a control “freak”, someone has to be in control. This was obviuosly written by a woman who was controlled, not the man in charge.

    A control freak has to have EVERYTHING his way, im just Large and in Charge.

    • I can’t believe no on called “Andre” out on his bizarre, neanderthal post. Was the guy kidding in some “guy” way that few women would understand? Or did the other readers merely bypass commenting on this loon, since he’s obviously beyond redemption?

      • Karen…Andre is a perfect example of a “control freak”!!! This is just the exact comment that I have heard in my life from other control freaks. They cannot even see how they are. He is exhibiting the exact characteristics of a control freak in this article and he doesn’t even see it!!! Classic!

  6. Interesting article, I found another one that goes into the narcissistic tendencies as well, where we can talk incessantly of ourselves and be convinced that everyone is fascinated. When others turn the conversation to themselves we show disinterest and manipulate it back to ourselves. I am definetely a control freak and show a lot of the symptoms, it is time for me to rid myself of this and have healthy relationships I know I have many good qualities and have spent years managing other illnesses that I have, now it is time to finalise it and chill some more.

  7. I guess I’m a control freak. Hey, acceptance is the first step :) Whether it’s at work or at home, I always feel the urge to do everything myself. It’s not like I think I’m better than anyone else, but I like to be in control of the whole process, also because I feel that’s the only way I will learn from my experiences. I’ve always been kind of a ‘trial and error’ person.
    Femita´s last [type] ..How To Become Less Of A Control Freak At Work

  8. I am worried that I may have been a control freak all my life, I now have high blood pressure and mild heart problems. I always thought I was very laid back and a lot of people who don’t know me think I am. But people who get to Know me avoid me I only talk about me so I end up not socialising at all. I have had a rocky 30 years with my wife she now does exactly what she wants to and I struggle to accept it and feel she goes out her way to do what I hate and to make sure she does not do what I like. I do work alone because I worry that other people might not do things right. This has come to my attention because I didn’t get my way over a new ride on mower (how stupid) I am a assistant warden and are old mower is a wreck which I have nurtured back to life, someone traded it in for a slightly newer one and I felt we should keep the old one. they were helping me, above other things they could do, because I have done so much for them recently and all I did is complained about loosing the old worn-out mower. I feel such a prat because I made such an issue I think just because I didn’t get my way.
    I have honestly spent my whole 48yrs thinking I way laid back.
    sorry so long post
    Paul

  9. My wife has left me and gone to a man who wants to do everything for her , but he has stopped her talking or seeing her x husband . He will not let her talk her husbands child to meet him , and everything she says to her husband she has to tell him . is this bf a control freak ) if so how can he be stopped , and how can i get my wife away from him ?

  10. Geoff,

    Get some help, buddy. Your “wife” is no longer yours to control–maybe with a ton of counseling, you’ll understand that she never was your property. Get help; move on.

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