There is probably nothing that steals my happiness and contentment faster than comparing myself to another. Why do I do this? It robs me of enjoying what I have and who I am. There always seems to be someone that has a better job, more money, a fancier car or nicer looks than I do. Also, there are those people that seem to have it all together. Have you fallen into the habit of comparing yourself to others?
Of course, we only see what’s on the surface. We make assumptions based on outward appearance and we usually don’t give ourselves the credit due. These comparisons just drag us down.
I’ve been guilty of this on many occasions. I’ll meet someone in business and think, "Wow, he’s really smart. Why don’t I know as much about this as he does? He looks like he’s making good money too. Why aren’t I doing as well as him? What did he do to get so much further along than me? We look to be about the same age. I always seem to be lagging behind everyone else." These types of thoughts rush through my mind continuing ad nauseam. They leave me feeling unhappy, insecure and dejected.
The pit we dig when we compare ourselves to others.
There are a number of ways that comparing ourselves to others does damage and if it goes on, then we can dig a real emotional hole. Here’s some of the things I feel when I’ve been comparing myself to others. See if it effects you in the same way.
1. Steals my contentment.
Right off the bat, it robs me of my contentment. It steals away my opportunity to enjoy what I have and what I’ve accomplished. It creates envy in my heart. I start wanting what the other person has. The grass starts looking greener on the other side of the fence. It is crazy really. Why do I let myself think this way and give away my happiness?
2. Creates feelings of inadequacy.
I start to feel like I don’t measure up when I compare myself to someone that appears to be doing better than me. Of course, I don’t really know anything about their situation. I rarely know how they got to where they’re at, but I imagine they did it by being smarter, wiser, and better than me.
3. Makes me insecure.
Comparing myself in this way destroys my self-confidence. It makes me start questioning everything about myself. I start feeling like a sham. I worry what other people are thinking about me. I start thinking that maybe people are taking advantage of me. It is a slippery slope that can get out of control.
These feelings of discontentment, inadequacy, and insecurity pile upon one another if I let them. They become a deep pit that zaps me of my motivation and joy. Of course, there are ways to avoid this trap altogether.
The ways that I avoid comparing myself to others.
Over the years, I have tried to train myself to stop comparing myself to others. I have realized that this thinking is bad for me and something I need to consciously avoid. Here’s some of what I do. I hope it will help you develop a plan to avoid such comparisons.
1. Nip it in the bud.
First, I do my best to take control of my thoughts. When I recognize that I’m comparing myself to others, I stop immediately. I redirect my thinking to all that I have to be thankful for. I recount in my mind that I have a wonderful family, a great job, and that I’ve led a fantastic life. I’ve even made lists of all I have to be grateful about in case I really get in a pit. These lists then serve to elevate my thinking quickly.
2. Not everything is as it appears.
I remind myself that I am only looking at the surface of the other person’s life. I have found over and over again that things are not always as they appear once you get to know someone. Those that seem financially very successful often have terrible relationships. Some that have a lot of freedom and go jet setting around the globe are often very lonely. It is important not to judge a book by its cover.
3. Externals are not what matters.
I remind myself that my value is not based on external factors such as how much money I have, what I drive, and where I live. It is easy to get caught up in this trap. Our society pushes this type of thinking. We often measure people based on these things. However, real self-worth should come from knowing we love others, make wise choices, and make a positive contribution. We all have qualities to be appreciated, but we are each unique and valuable in our own way.
Stop comparing yourself to others and start living.
Living a full and happy life is about developing our unique gifts and talents. It is about finding our passion and developing our strengths. We should avoid the tendency to want to conform or become like others. We have to develop an appreciation for what we have and who we are. This comes by taking control of our thoughts, practicing gratitude, and realizing our self-worth.
What do you do to avoid comparing yourself to others?
Photo by LollyKnit
Hi there, this is my first visit here and I like what I see.
Excellent post!
Read Irene | Light Beckons’s lastest article – Epiphanies From Freaking Out
Great post, I’m surprised it is your first visit here Irene, I see jeff and this site everywhere
The main issue with comparing yourself to others is that you are always going to find something in others you probably can’t match up too and will get you down. Yet, you might not even know they are doing the same thing
Good stuff
Cheers,
Glen
Read Glen Allsopp’s lastest article – The Art of Authenticity
Ouch! You touched close to home with this article.
One thing that helps me when I catch myself comparing myself to others is to remember what a friend once said: You’re comparing their outsides to your insides.
When we realize that what see on the surface is not the whole story, it helps to put things in perspective.
Thanks for discussing this troublesome habit.
@Irene – Glad you stopped by! I hope you’ll come back often.
@Glen – It is true. The person that you are comparing yourself to might be looking at you and thinking the same things!
@Flora – It is very common for all of us to do this from time to time. I like what your friend said. It makes perfect sense!
Thanks for taking the time to comment!
The best way to stop is to use the same line I tell myself when I’m about to judge another. “That’s me too!” Whether good or bad I’ve got some of the same in me so I’m grateful that another has done so well or I’m grateful for the dose of humility. Gratitude works well.
Excellent insights Jeff. I think one of the roots of comparing ourselves to others is simple jealousy. We hope we measure up to others and hope we can top their accomplishments just a bit. I used to drive around the subdivisions where the “rich” people lived and covet their homes and possessions. Then one person who lived there told me that the bigger the house, the bigger the mortgage and that he was struggling to make ends meet. It really made me think about the entrapment of comparing what I am and what I have to other people.
I’m a lot more content now and thankful for what I do have and for who I am.
@Tom – It is important to remember that we all have the capacity to achieve anything we set our minds on. If we use other people as a inspriation, then that is certainly a positive.
@Ron – I have a competitive nature so I can relate to the desire for topping other people’s accomplishments. I find that by setting goals and measuring my progress against them, I can keep track of my progress. This helps me to realize that I am continually moving forward.
Thanks for your fantastic comments!
Great post. I went through a period a few years back when I was always comparing myself to others its possibly the worst thing one can do as it makes things seem better or worse depending on the circumstances, I really do think a lot of it comes from jealousy which is driven by our ego…… Thanks for the post really enjoyed it
Read Chris – Zen to Fitness’s lastest article – When to Take Time off Training
Sometimes it may be good to compare. Look to the people of places like Mali and Darfur and be grateful for what we got. I do this when it comes to material issues.
On spiritual issues, I compare against the more knowledgeable ones.
good post. I just suffered from comparing myself to my boyfriend’s ex the whole day. I couldn’t sleep. Once I lie down and close my eyes, I start having all these negative thoughts and analysing everything good he’s said about her. This makes me feel extremely bad and not confident at all. I hate the insecurity inside of me. I don’t want to ruin my relationship because of this. I really need to stop. It feels much much better when I am not comparing.
Great post!! I desperately need help. I lost my job a month before my wedding last year. I had been there for almost 5 years and was gone with less than 24 hours notice. Anyway I hated what I did and what the job was doing to my personal life. Four months after my wedding, I finally found another employment opportunity. From a financial perspective the opportunity is where I wanted to be if not better, but in terms of career progression, it is not what I had imagined. My biggest problem is that I constantly compare myself to everyone, specifically people close to me (Brother, friends, co-workers and more importantly people I use to work with as we all chose the same career path). This constant comparison with others makes me feel very dejected. I feel like I have no motivation and in need of desperate help. It’s gotten to a point where my marriage is being negatively impacted due to my lack of self esteem and built up frustration.
This is a topic very close to my heart. I have remember compareing my self to others way, way back. I am talking childhood. I wasn’t that good looking crooked teeth, (my parents either did not realize that I need braces or did not have the money. I had them put on-myself when I was in my late 30’s) there were other physical features that “I thought” made me look funny also. And of course it was no help that it was supported by the outside world. All the girls were always attracted to my friends and never to me. Even when I was older and at the beach with my two friends, a girl and her mate called me ugly! Wow, so you can see that it has been with me along time. As I grew older I started to use money and “people pleasing” to show that I was as good as anyone else. Well I got married and was still very competitive with my friends. As mentioned in an earlier post, I compare my self on everything, looks, money, size, career, etc, etc,etc, I am close to fifty years old, I have been unemployed over 12 times during my career, have been on welfare twice, lost the 2 homes in my adult life because of job loses. Ok, I am not looking for pity I just sometimes wonder if this is my lot in life and that Almighty GOD will have something better for me on the other side. I know for a fact that I have not always made the best decisions but dam, sometime you think when can I get a break, Sorry for rambling. Back to the topic at hand, this comparison thing is killing me. I am going to try again and stop it because it is so destructive. Because this issue started for me so long ago maybe I need professional help. It just make’s me tired! I am never good enough, and in my own mind I may never be. Maybe I should just give up and be a looser. It would be allot easier and then I could get some rest. Thanks for being a friend.
David,
I can feel your struggle as I read your post. Many people are taught to compare themselves to others at a very young age. Our society and culture reinforce this practice. This is why it is so difficult to give up the practice even when you know it’s not helpful. Since the negative impact of comparing yourself to others is connected to other beliefs you learned between infancy and about 6 to 8 years of age; not comparing yourself is a good start but may not always put an end to feeling bad about yourself. However, there is hope because you can learn to challenge and modify any belief you have that may be causing you problems. I am not a professional in the health field, but I know that it can be helpful to get professional help. A professional will be able to direct you to ways of healing the emotional wounds you have suffered and help uncover beliefs that may be keeping you from feeling good.
I have been on my own 35 year journey to emotional health and I know that there is hope. Hang in there and don’t give up.
Vance
Jeff,
I came across this information today. Even though it was posted a couple of years ago, it really helped me. You were able to put into words what I would feel when I compared myself to others.
Your advice is really appreciated.
Great job and keep up the good work.
Vance
Vance, I’m glad you found what you needed, when you needed it. That’s what my site is all about. Thanks for letting me know my article helped!
i came across this today and it was much needed. it’s a gem.
i’ve struggled with this a good portion of my life. it’s not the easiest thing to shake but persistence pays off. if you keep grinding back your negative thoughts (no matter how hopeless you think it is) some day….and in some way your brain/heart/soul will become attuned to that. if you turn it into a habit then you’ll never stop doing the steps jeff illustrates above. i’ve come to a point in my life where i’m starting to automatically counterattack thoughts- i rationally invalidate the negative comparisons, focus on at least one positive thing and in the end just let it go. a couple suggestions on my part:
MEDITATE. MEDITATE. MEDITATE.
can’t stress this enough. even 5 mins in the morning after you wake up, but before you start filling your day with to do lists and the news. you can do traditional methods like focusing on your breath and allowing all thoughts to drop away. if you keep practicing this then when your faced with negative thoughts in the future they wont have SUCH a grasp on you.
you can also spend a few minutes telling yourself (and really feeling it) positive affirmations. things like “i know the life i want. i create the life i want.” or “i attract the very best life has to offer” etc…
the second thing is to bless or celebrate what others have. it might be tough because it’s hard to do this when you’re envying or comparing. but honestly, imagine one person with certain qualities that you want. whether they are successful at their job, have countless friends, or a supportive family….imagine them in your mind exuding that quality. then with everything you got, feel as much happiness for them as you can. celebrate them as if your favorite rock band just got on the stage. see, here is a fundamental thing: we ALL, on some level, share everything. what you see in others is an extension of YOUR qualities. when you extend gratitude and celebration to another human being you are celebrating something that you have within yourself.
so, to anyone reading hope that helped.
thanks again to jeff. what a great post!!