My Three P’s of Good Parenting
Being a parent is a tremendous and humbling responsibility. Children are so open and vulnerable to the influence of their parents. I can’t help but think that what I do in these few short formative years will likely impact my kids their entire lives. That is a lot of pressure! I want my children to grow up to be successful in whatever they choose to do. Like most of you, I want my kids to enjoy a better life than I have had. It’s not that I’ve had a bad life by any measure. I just want more for my kids. Most especially, I want to avoid making the big mistakes that could scar them for life.
I want to avoid parenting mistakes that I will regret.
I imagine every parent has some regrets. We are all less than perfect. Alex at The Next 45 Years published a very powerful article called Confessions from a Recovering Father where he lists a number of things that he wishes he would have done differently with his daughter. He states, “I wish I could have a mulligan, a do-over, with being a father.” I hope to learn from Alex and avoid the things that he regrets. I have committed myself to making my children a priority in my life.
Before I get on to the three P’s, I want to get on my soap box for a moment to hopefully help someone out there avoid a big parenting mistake. I think that staying married is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children. From a parenting perspective, I think divorce is a mistake that most will live to regret. I believe that as much as anything kids need a stable home with both a loving mom and dad. My parents divorced when I was a pre-teen. I wrote about this in Grade School Still Holding You Back?. Living with divorced parents is a never ending issue. I still deal with it today. As Ron at The Wisdom Journal points out in his article 7 Things to Discuss Before the Marriage License, “Marriages between people who love each other and agree on certain important life items have a greater chance of becoming long term, deeply understanding and loving relationships.” At the top of Ron’s list of things to discuss is the topic of children. I have been a firsthand witness to the emotional strife that divorce causes children so I hope lots of people heed Ron’s advice and build a strong marriage before they have children. It can avoid a lot of regrets later.
The three P’s of good parenting.
Now on to the three P’s, but first let me be clear that I will in no way claim to be the perfect father. I have made plenty of mistakes already and I’m sure that I will make plenty more. However, I am trying to learn and these three P’s are where I’m concentrating because I think they will have the most impact in my kids lives both now and down the road. I am proud to be a father and I want to do the best job I can. As Peter discusses in One Year On. How Fatherhood Has Changed My Life, becoming a parent changes your priorities and gives you a sense of meaning that you might not have had before. This is what has lead me to the three P’s.
Patience.
Love is patient! Raising children requires a lot of patience. In How To Be A Good Dad – 10 Things My Father Taught Me, Jason at A Miracle a Day comments that we often wish our kids would learn more quickly and do what they’re told when we tell them to do it. I often want things to be more efficient when dealing with my kids. If you are a parent, then you know how frustrating it can be when you are in a hurry and your kids are not. Sometimes it would be nice if we just had to ask once and things got done, but this is not the way it works with children. They are learning. Teaching them is a process that takes time. Fortunately, kids don’t see the world the same as adults do. They don’t feel the time pressure we do. This is good. They need time to just be kids and we need to be patient and give them this opportunity. It isn’t usually easy for me, but I really try to be patient. I wouldn’t say that patience is one of my stronger virtues, but with children I think it is absolutely necessary. This is a key way that we show our love to our children.
Playtime.
Children want our time and undivided attention more than anything else in this world. They want it much more than they want money or the things that it buys. If you look at Alex’s confessions again, notice that most of what he would do differently involves taking more time with his daughter. In his article, Is your high-powered job setting your kids up to fail, Jonathan Fields cites a study conducted by Harvard that concluded that the single most important factor in a child growing up to be well-adjusted and staying out of trouble was directly related to the amount time the parents spent with them. It was not many of the things we commonly think of like income, friends, and activities instead it was simply being involved in their lives.
I know that my kids love it when they have my attention. It doesn’t really seem to matter what it is that we are doing either. Whether it is having dinner together and discussing their day, playing a board game, or wrestling in the floor they just want to know that they matter enough to me to have some of my time. If you think about it, some of your fondest memories from childhood probably involve spending quality time with your parents. I try to make time for this everyday. Who wouldn’t have wanted more quality attention from their parents?
Priority.
You have to take the high road and do the things that are best for your children even when it is not the easiest way to go. This means that our children have to be our highest priority in life for the brief period that the live under our roofs. I learned this one from my wife. She is always willing to sacrifice her own comfort, needs, and desires for whatever is best for the children. This doesn’t mean that she gives into them. It is really the contrary. She will do what she knows is going to be the best for them despite how much they cry, fuss, or complain. Don’t get me wrong. She is not cruel, but she is committed to doing what’s right. I respect this and have learned from it. This is really what it means to be a parent. I see way too many moms and dads that give in too easily to their children. The kids run the family. This is not the proper way to raise children. They have to be taught to behave when they are young. This is the time in their lives when the consequences for mistakes and bad behavior is low. If they don’t learn the right way to live now, then they probably never will and they will pay dearly for it later. We have to make teaching and disciplining them a priority no matter how inconvenient it is for us. They are only young once!
These three P’s aren’t easy, but they are worth it.
Good parenting is pretty simple, but it isn’t easy. I really believe that patience, playtime, and making my kids a priority are the things that will make the biggest difference in their lives. I want to invest now so I can reap the benefits later when I get to watch them blossom into adults. I don’t want to regret not spending the time and effort it takes to make my kids feel secure, confident, and loved. I will concentrate on these three P’s to be a good parent.
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Photos by SuperFantastic and heidigoseek
Nice article. Patience is key for me because I’m around kids all day.
Priority is a huge one for a lot of the parents I deal with It seems a lot of parents these days are just concerned with how they can dump their kids off on someone else for an hour or two instead of signing them up for activities and then participating or at least staying and watching.
Excellent article, Jeff. You know, so many people spend their lives chasing the dime because they think they are doing the right thing for their children. In fact, if they cut their hours in half, earned less money and doubled the amount of time they spent with their kids they would all be better off for it.
This is especially true of us dads, who have been told for decades that it is our responsiblity to “provide for” our children, and by provide they really mean, buy them anything and everything under the sun! So we go off to work 60 hour weeks, travel all about the country away from our families, and become weekend visitors to our own children. The sooner we can get out of that rat race the better!
Thanks for letting me rant a bit on your blog – can you tell your article touched a nerve?
@Kevin – Making your kids the priority in your life is definitely important. It isn’t always easy put your own wants and desires behind theirs, but it is the adult thing to do.
@FD – Rant all you want here! I’m glad to hear that my article had meaning for you. You are absolutely right about the perception that we are doing right by our kids when we work longer hours to earn more. I think any kid would tell you that this is off base. They would rather have more time with their dad instead of another toy or gadget.
I appreciate you taking the time to comment!
Jeff,
Great post. In constant chase for our own goals, we often forget that we have a higher purpose in life. That purpose is to nurture our own kids. You’ve precisely described three P’s that are so essential for this nurturing process.
I have just posted a post “10 Pillars of Successful Youth”. I’d love to have your comments on that.
http://www.successsoul.com/2008/04/10/10-pillars-of-successful-youth/
Thanks
Shilpan
Hi Jeff,
Since discovering you over on the Change Your Tree forum, I wanted to drop by as promised and check things out.
This is a great article for dads and moms. You’re right about making children a priority, right at the top of the list.
Bringing kids into the world is an enormous responsibility, and too many parents aren’t being responsible parents.
Don’t beat yourself up too much though, everyone makes mistakes in parenting their kids and as you said, kids are very forgiving. Subscribed!
@Shilpan – Thanks for the link! I’ll give it a read.
@Lin – We are fortunate that kids are forgiving and flexible. You are right. They usually bounce back in an amazing way.
Thanks for participating and subscribing!
[...] My Three P’s of Good Parenting at My Super Charged Life [...]
[...] at My Super-Charged Life wrote My Three Ps of Good Parenting. Enough said. Read it and nod along and then implement. [...]
I got to know of your post from Emily at Remodelling This Life. As a not too competent father, I fully appreciate the points you have made.
I have also looked back at my mistakes and wish we all are given a chance to make amends.
@fathersez – I’m sure we all have areas of our lives where we could have done better. Of course, unfortunately, we can’t go back and erase what is done. However, we can start today to build a better relationship, be more caring, and show our love.
[...] blog since he joined the Change Your Tree Forum, of which I am a moderator. In his article, “My Three P’s of Good Parenting”, Jeff explains some parenting mistakes that he regrets as a father, and steps he took to make [...]