Reader Poll: Is Love Or Commitment Most Important In Marriage?
What is most important in keeping a marriage alive? Is it love or is it commitment? I am posing this question because I think it is vitally important and 
I know my readers are extremely intelligent. I want to hear your thoughts on how these two components of marriage have played out in your life.
Depending on who you ask, most say that about 50% of all marriages in America end in divorce. This is tragic. There is no such thing as a simple divorce. We treat it like it is an easy dissolution of a contract, but it is more like a complex surgical separation of two conjoined bodies.
Don’t let anyone kid you. Divorce is crippling emotionally, financially, and it even takes a toll on your health. So, what is most important in preserving marriage?
How do we keep marriage alive to avoid these negative consequences and live a full and complete life?
Some thoughts and questions on love and marriage
If you ask most couples why they are getting married, the answer would likely be, “Because we love each other.” Isn’t it great when you feel all those warm, fuzzy emotions for another person? You can’t hardly stand to be apart. You talk on the phone for hours. You think about them all the time. You become totally consumed with the one you love.
Of course, this intensity of emotion seldom lasts in any relationship. I doubt that many of us expect this fever-pitch level to continue. However many seem disillusioned and ready for divorce when these feelings wear off beyond a certain level in marriage. Is this the end of love? Is this falling out of love? Can you remain married even when these feelings wear off?
We all want to feel loved, accepted and special in our relationships. Shouldn’t love be the central theme in a relationship as important as marriage? Wasn’t love the reason we got married in the first place? Was it our love for the other person or the feeling of being loved and cherished by them that made us want to marry them?
When you hear someone being asked why they are getting a divorce, it often seems like the reply is, “Because we just don’t love each other anymore.” The feelings have obviously worn off. One or both parties may feel an attraction to other people. They may want to start this dance all over again, but will it end any differently? Are these feelings of love central to a marriage?
What role does commitment play in marriage?
In marriage, we commit ourselves to the relationship. We usually take a vow or make a solemn promise before witnesses to stay committed to our partner “for as long as we both shall live.” Is this idea outdated? Is it antiquated?
If 50% of marriages end in divorce, why do so many people fail to live up to this promise? Were they kidding themselves when they said, “I do”? Did they really mean it or were they deceiving someone? Why are we so quick to go back on such a solemn vow?
I suppose most people would say that they just didn’t know what they were getting into. They didn’t expect things to wind up this way. The behavior of their spouse is just intolerable. They aren’t happy anymore. Are these reasons that release you from fulfilling the vow you made? Is this staying true in good times and bad, in sickness and in health?
Do the promises we make at the altar outweigh our fickle feelings? Don’t emotions ebb and flow? Can’t we feel close and loving one minute and then distant the next? Yes, it is possible to feel lonely even in marriage. Even when you see each other everyday, but is this justification to end the marriage? Will love return in these circumstances or is it hopeless?
Do the promises we made at the wedding altar commit us to sticking it out even when the feeling we call love has diminished?
What is most important to keeping a marriage alive?
What do you think? Is love more important or is it the commitment that you made to your partner on your wedding day? Don’t say both because that would too easy. Both of these have some role in a marital relationship, but which is most important?
Have you been married and divorced? If so, what happened? What was the result?
I look forward to hearing your thoughts! I hope we can all learn something about how to keep our marriages strong, vibrant and alive. Thanks in advance for sharing your thoughts!
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Ron@TheWisdomJournal | Oct 27, 2008 | Reply
Personally, I think it’s committment. Love grows through committment. Love without commitment isn’t really love at all.
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Angelsong | Oct 27, 2008 | Reply
I believe commitment is vital in a marriage, because without commitment, love is hollow and means little more than an attraction. Commitment will carry a couple through a solid relationship after the excitement has worn down; no one can maintain that fever pitch indefinitely. Yes, I have been married and divorced. I loved my first husband, but he was abusive and is an active alcoholic and used drugs. I left with my children because to stay would have cost me and my children our lives. I was a single parent for ten years before I met my current husband. I love him very much, but our relationship is not without its challenges, and it is commitment that helps us to see past the areas that cause discord at times, and helps us continue to communicate. It is commitment to each other and to our marriage that leads us each to consider the other person’s needs before our own.
tricia | Oct 27, 2008 | Reply
Commitment. Love is a feeling that can wax and wane.
Jeff | Oct 27, 2008 | Reply
@Ron - It seems that you believe there is a deeper love that one discovers with time. Is this right?
@Angelsong - I admire the courage you had to get yourself and your children out of a bad situation. Ten years is a long time to be a single parent. I have two kids and I don’t know how single parents do it.
@tricia - The feelings and emotions that we call love certainly do come and go. Isn’t it funny though that love is usually the reason we give for getting married and also for getting divorced? It just seems odd to me.
Thanks for expressing your opinions! Let’s hear some more!
wpb136 | Oct 27, 2008 | Reply
Commitment - your post prompted me to write an email to my wife.
“Thank you for your commitment.
My love for you grows daily. I can, without hesitation, state I love you wholly, completely and without reservation. I realize that I have grown into that over time - not just the warm fuzzy love we had at the start. I am a lucky man.”
So, I can say commitment. My wife and I have had ups and downs, and the commitment has made our love stronger. At least my love for my wife, I cant speak for how she might respond!
Thanks for bringing up the topic
Ann | Oct 27, 2008 | Reply
Commitment- I think it allows a couple to work through challenges and keep the marriage alive.
valerie | Oct 27, 2008 | Reply
Love has ups and downs. Had I (or my husband) jumped ship when we didn’t feel in love, we would have missed so much. Commitment is vital. Commitment is constant but our feelings of love cannot be trusted. Commit through the hard times and the warm fuzzies of love will return. That’s my experience.
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Hilary | Oct 27, 2008 | Reply
Brilliant article. Thanks. I think commitment is more important than love. I’m divorced - and as you say it is a very painful experience. For me it was a release as I spent the loneliest times of my life when I was married. Being single is much better than that. I envy couples who have good marriages - though they do seem few and far between…
Jeff | Oct 27, 2008 | Reply
@wpb136 - Beautiful letter to your wife! I bet she was deeply moved. You’re awesome!
@Ann - Commitment seems to be getting a lot of votes. What role does love play? Is it possible for marriage to exist without it?
@valerie - Great point! Love is an action. We have to take loving actions even when the feelings do not exist. However, the feeling usually returns when we apply ourselves in this way. Of course, it can be very hard to get started.
@Hilary - Marriage can be lonely. I’m sorry to hear it didn’t work out for you. Good marriages do exist, but I think that too many people are deceived into looking for a Utopia that doesn’t exist.
Excellent comments! Thanks for sharing!
Mary@SimplyForties | Oct 30, 2008 | Reply
Commitment, absolutely. I’m divorced and I can say that we were not committed. The love waned and we wandered off. I am completely committed to the relationship with the man I’m in love with now and expect a completely different end result!
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(i) | Nov 3, 2008 | Reply
Well, I don’t really have much experience in the relationship department, but I would definitely say after the first months it takes more commitment than love. And to make it more specific: it takes commitment from both, not just one! Love is what starts a relationship, mutual commitment keeps it going and growing.
jessica | Nov 4, 2008 | Reply
A heart TRULY IN LOVE knows how to listen and of course aware of his/her functions in the scenario,not just merely to love and have his/her prescence…whatever kind of relationship a certain person may have,COMMITMENT plays a vital role..COMMITMENT complicates everything…it complicates if you don’t know what you should do and ought to be doing in the relationship you were into’..COMMUNICATION is essential,WITHOUT PROPER COMMUNICATION,relationship fails’…couples were bound to be one’ function as one’so since they were UNITED,they should be COMMITTED’..Relationship OFTEN FAILS because of too much EXPECTATIONS and DISSAPOINTMENTS’..FOR the relationship to continue its way’LET THE LOVE GROWS…BE AWARE not BEWARE’
Nivash | Nov 12, 2008 | Reply
Love. What we call love, the feelings, the emotions is only one aspect of love.
Love is more than an feeling. Real love, genuine love encompasses commitment.It encompasses self sacrifice. It’s about putting the other person first all the time.