Reader Question: How to Maintain a Super-Charged Life When Others Try to Bring You Down
Do you have people in your life that try to hold you back from living life to the fullest?
Sometimes the people closest to us are unwittingly our worst enemies when we try to pursue a Super-Charged Life.
The poor things just can’t seem to help themselves. They become like boat anchors that try to keep us from moving on.
This seems to be the case for Sarah who commented on my recent article about Designing a Better Life. This is a very important topic, so I wanted to respond to Sarah outside the comment area.
I also wanted to give you a chance to chime in and help Sarah as well. After all, a few thousand heads are better than one!
Sarah’s Predicament: How to Deal with Those Trying to Bring You Down
Here is Sarah’s situation and question:
Sarah asks:
What do you do when you have a Super-Charged Life, but others tend to keep trying to bring you down?
I am one of these people I don’t watch tv. I’d rather get out and do things and meet people. I also tend to fill my time either doing something better for my family, myself or someone in need rather than watch mindless shows. Not watching television has given me a ton of freedom in life and a great deal of time.
I have worked two and three jobs and no I do not find it draining. I find it makes my life full. However when I am done working and I have managed to put away a little money for my retirement I have a number of folks who stand with hands held out. They feel entitled to my cash.
Now these same folks will say they don’t have any time to do like I do. Ask these same folks how much tv or even wasted computer games etc time they have and it is a ton! So when I use tough love and say no, they twist things and make me out to be the bad guy.
So how do you keep a Super-Charged Life in these circumstances?
Some Suggestions I Would Offer to Sarah
First and foremost, I want to congratulate you Sarah for being such a great role model for Super-Charged Living! You have taken personal responsibility for your situation and you are doing whatever it takes to improve your life. You are a star in my book!
I also want to acknowledge this can be a tricky and delicate situation. Every set of circumstances is unique because the people involved are unique. We all have different personalities and backgrounds that factor into how this should be handled. Tread lightly, but don’t be afraid to address this!
I’m assuming these people that are trying to bring you down are important in your life. I’m guessing they are friends, family members, etc. If they are not, then just get away from them. Who cares what they think? You have to do what’s right for you!
Okay, given our assumption about these people being important to Sarah, I do have a few suggestions I’d like to offer.
1. Be Honest and Direct
The direct approach is often the best approach. I would suggest sitting down in private with those that have their hands held out to explain to them your view of the situation. You need to do this when you are emotionally strong so you can remain composed. You do not want to get into an argument about it.
You simply want to calmly, but directly explain your side of the story regardless of the reaction. Stick to the facts and avoid using absolutes like “You always…” or “You never…” Instead, focus on a concrete example of when the person exhibited the undesirable behavior. State the facts, tell how you felt about it and then explain how you want things to go in the future. Do this calmly and in a non-accusatory tone.
Also, I’d suggest thinking about the ways your past behavior might have encouraged these people to think you would be willing to do what they want now. Confess to them your past mistakes and explain why you see things differently now. This will help them to see you are really changing and your confession will likely help them to accept your new boundaries in the relationship.
2. Be Patient and Persistent
Recognize that you might have to have the above conversation a few times before you really see the change you desire. Prepare yourself to be patient, but persistent. Again, it is likely that your past behavior has somehow fostered, at least in a passive way, these expectations in the one’s you feel are trying to hold you back. If you can see this, then it will help you to take responsibility for fixing the situation now.
I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to remain calm and patient throughout this period of adjustment. If you lose your temper or blow up in anyway, then you are going to significantly decrease your likelihood of success. You really need a strong rapport with these people in order to change their minds and behavior towards you.
If you do this well, then it is likely that very shortly you’ll see the undesirable behavior in those around you go away. Also, it is likely that word will get around. So, you’ll probably only have to do this with one or two of those closest to you. The others will catch the clue.
3. Be Prepared to Make the Hard Choice
What if talking to them doesn’t work even after several conversations and a lot of patience? Sarah, I say this with the utmost sensitivity to your situation, but you have to be prepared to make the hard choice. If the undesirable behavior is too much of a downer in your life, then you have to be willing to cut the ties that bind. In other words, you’ve got to get some distance between you and these people.
I’ll admit that this can be very difficult especially if these people are family members. However, you really have to set some clear boundaries for your own benefit and for theirs. Sometimes this requires establishing some distance. It may have to be physical and emotional distance. You may even have to end some friendships because you simply cannot change others. You can only change yourself and your circumstances. If they can’t adapt to the new you, then set them free!
Obviously, you are trying very hard to live a better life and the only way you are going to be able to do so is if you shed some of the “extra weight” that is trying to pull you back. Again, I realize this can be hard and I don’t suggest it lightly. I’m a big believer in the value of strong relationships, but I also believe you have to take care of yourself so you can be your best for the relationships in your life that matter the most.
What Other Advice Would You Offer Sarah?
Okay, that’s one man’s opinion of how to handle this situation. What would you do? What advice would you offer Sarah? I know I have a lot of smart readers out there. How about helping someone that really needs some sound advice? Now is your chance to really assist someone that is asking for our help.
Please leave a comment below with your advice to Sarah!
Photo by Horia Varlan
