How would you like to wake up every day feeling sure of yourself and totally happy with who you are?

How would it feel not to worry what other people think of you?

How would it feel to comfortably walk in a room and start a conversation with ease?

How would it feel to be the initiator, to make great plans and to really go for it in life?

How would it feel to simply be self-confident?

Awesome, right?  Well, now is your chance to increase your self confidence and claim all these things for yourself.

Don’t you want it?  Let’s make it happen!

Take Action to Increase Your Self Confidence

Two of my fellow bloggers and online friends, who I respect very much, are offering you a limited-time opportunity.  Erin Falconer of Pick the Brain and Barrie Davenport of Live Bold and Bloom, asked numerous people what they most need on their personal growth journey.

The resounding and overwhelming response was self-confidence.  Therefore, I want to assure you that you are not alone, if you feel your confidence needs a shot in the arm.  Lots of others feel the same way.

It is all right if you need and want to bolster your self confidence.  I give you permission to admit this.  You can even say it out loud if you want.  It is okay and nothing to be ashamed of.  This is a safe place.  In fact, my hat is off to you, if you have the courage to do so.

The truth is, we can all use a boost in our confidence from time to time, and trust me, the pay off is well worth it.

Okay, with that little hurdle behind us, now is the time to take action and do something about it.

The Path to Greater Self Confidence

Erin andBarrie have created a 4-week interactive online course to focus squarely on building up your self confidence. It’s called . . .

Simple Self-Confidence: A Course for Personal Empowerment, and it will be held from March 3rd to the 30th.  Psst…here’s a secret, keep reading for a very special offer (shhh…keep it quiet because not everyone will get the chance to get in on it).

If you struggle with issues related to self-confidence, or if you’d just like to improve your level of self-confidence, I invite you to enroll in this amazingly beneficial course.

During each of the 4 weeks, you will focus on increasing your self-confidence.  You will learn specific techniques for rebuilding and reinforcing the way you think of yourself.

The Simple Self-Confidence Course includes:

• Live webinars with Erin and Barrie to guide you on this journey
• Weekly guest experts in psychology and personal development to grow your understanding
• Articles, videos, and podcasts to support you during your self-confidence work
• An interactive online forum where you can share and learn with other participants
• A Simple Self-Confidence Workbook to record your insights and progress
• Plus over $300 worth of bonus materials to further assist you
• Click here for more details

You will come away from this course with specific strategies for increasing your self-confidence in all areas of your life – for the rest of your life.

I hope you will check it out. The course registration opens today, Monday, February 27th.

Self Confidence Is Essential

No matter what it is that you want to accomplish in life, you need self confidence.  It is foundational to every thing else you desire.  If you lack the proper self-confidence, then you’ll likley miss living up to your full potential.  Plus, a chance like this doesn’t come along every day.

So, unless you are the rare exception and you were born with more confidence than you’ll ever need, enroll in this course.  It may be just the inspiration and boost you need to reach that next level.

Empower yourself to:

• Get that raise
• Find that one relationship
• Step up to more opportunity
• Inspire your children
• Just feel better about yourself

I think you get the point.  I highly recommend you take a moment and check out the Simple Self-Confidence Course today.

Early Registrants Get 33% Off!

Now, here’s that special offer I mentioned earlier.

Early registrants will get a 33% discount off the regular price of this course.  Sign up early to get the best deal!

Erin and Barrie are trying to make this as easy as possible for you.  I hope you won’t hesitate.  This is a prime opporunity to invest in yourself.  It could make all the difference in the world.  Don’t miss this course or the special offer!

Check out the course: Simple Self-Confidence.

Space is limited and the time to act is now.

Note: To be totally transparent, I want you to know that if you enroll, Erin and Barrie will pay me an incentive for bringing this to your attention, but even if they didn’t I’d still be recommending their course.  It is that good.

Photo: Copyright PhotoXpress.com

This is a guest post by Trevor Edmon.

So you want more … love, money, happiness, health, … success. Where do you start?

Go to Google and type in “How to” and a gazillion websites will pop up. Should you want to build a better mouse trap that’s a very good thing. But “how to be successful in life” is too intangible. Besides, it’s different for everyone so there can’t exactly be a “one size fits all answer.”

Or can there?

I’m going to attempt that seemingly impossible feat. I’m daring to claim that by the time you have read to the end of this piece you will know the definitive way to be successful in any area of life you choose.

The Answer You Seek

Will it be meditation? Regular exercise? How about a radical change of diet? Or reciting affirmations all day long?

No. It will be none of the above, although if any of those notions appeal to you, feel free to include them in your routine. You see, those are all techniques and whilst they might lead you to feel better – so there’s nothing wrong with any of them – they cannot ever be the answer itself. They can only lead to the answer.

Let me give you this in a nutshell. Success comes to those who believe themselves to be successful.

It doesn’t matter who you are, how old you are, what your background is or if you have a wart on the end of your nose. The past is no indicator of your ability to succeed. There are endless stories of people who have turned tragedy into triumph. Check out Oprah Winfrey’s background or consider Nelson Mandela’s astonishing life story – a man who spent twenty seven years incarcerated for a crime he did not commit! You don’t have to look far for inspiration in case you need some.

If the belief that you can succeed at whatever you want in life is all you need, how do you acquire it, let alone keep it in the face of great adversity?

How to Acquire Self Belief for Success

I’ve already hinted that techniques are not the way to go, but perhaps I should explain that in more depth. Techniques are like arts or crafts. If you want to play a guitar you first need to learn some techniques. But if you really want to be a great musician merely knowing where to put your fingers to make some chords won’t be enough. The musical expression comes from you – and no one will ever play quite the way you do.

Here are 3 steps to bring that wonderful energy, your belief, to the forefront.

Step 1 – Remember How Special You Are.

Apparently there are about seven billion of us swarming all over this little planet of ours right now. That’s right now. Even if you’re an identical twin there isn’t one who is an exact replica of you. Never has been and never will be. You have your own thoughts, ways of doing things, your own special set of memories, tastes, idiosyncrasies … that whole package that is YOU. So stop worrying about what everyone else thinks of you and do your thing, man! (As Dylan might have said).

Far too many people worry about what other people will think of them, but this isn’t a philosophy that will lead to a life well lived. In the end, it is the “one-offs” – those who are not afraid to be themselves – who are the most loved and often the best remembered and they are also often the ones who make the biggest differences too. Not that that should be your goal. Just being yourself is enough!

Consider this strange list:

Bob Dylan. People aren’t supposed to write songs like that, sing out of tune or play guitar out of tune either. One of the best known and most revered musicians of the last fifty years.

Nelson Mandela. He should have been resentful or have had his spirit broken by his experience in prison. One of the world’s greatest peace makers in modern times.

Eddie Izzard. Proudly proclaimed his transvestism – and publicly appeared dressed in women’s clothes and has become one of the world’s most respected, loved and revered comedians and actors.

Rosa Parks. Refused to give up her seat on a bus just because she was black and changed the race discrimination laws of the USA.

Sylvester Stallone. Almost ran out of money and nearly lost his marriage in his determination to become an actor. When he wrote the screenplay to Rocky, agents didn’t want him – an unknown – to be in it. (They wanted Ryan O’Neill!) Stallone, despite being penniless, refused until he was offered, reluctantly, a tiny percentage of sales to star in it. The agent expected a minor B movie, but instead it made Stallone a multi-millionaire and a household name. I don’t know what became of the agent!

Let’s do one more. Muhammad Ali, who as the young Cassius Clay, used the power of his mind, as well as toning his body, to become the greatest boxer of all time. Who doesn’t know that that man repeatedly declared himself “the greatest.” And so he became.

Yes, I know I said you don’t need to repeat affirmations to believe in yourself, but I didn’t say you shouldn’t either. That would be just as much a “technique” as doing it. It suited Clay/Ali’s personality to use that. It felt good to him. But if it had felt stupid or embarrassing it wouldn’t have worked.

And there’s the point. You need to find what makes you feel good.

Step 2 – Trust Your Connection to All Things.

One of the biggest culturally held premises that stops millions from succeeding in life is the sense that you are alone and separate from everything. I’m not going to talk about God; that’s too controversial. Besides, a lot of people think of God as a separate being who gives them a lot of rules to follow. That’s still separation. And it’s like having a big, powerful boss.

I’m talking about your connection to Energy. Even at the simplest level you couldn’t survive without air, water, gravity or sunshine, so to consider those things separate from you is meaningless. Moreover, the energy is intelligent. Acorns always grow into oak trees and never become daffodils. Have you ever seen a nature documentary where a caterpillar metamorphoses into a butterfly? Do you know that Monarch butterflies migrate thousands of miles and return to the very same tree! All with a brain smaller than a pinhead!

If you cut yourself or even break a bone, your body immediately sets about healing the injury. Your food gets digested, your blood circulates and old cells are replenished and replaced with new ones billions of times a day – all “on their own.”

The miracles we take for granted are everywhere.

What does this mean in terms of self belief? It means trust your inner guidance – which you feel as emotions. Jiminy Cricket may have advised you to let your conscience be your guide, but I think your emotions are better. If it feels good – by which I mean you have passion or enthusiasm for something, or it feels joyful to do, then follow it. If it feels wrong in some way, leave it alone. Or change direction to something that feels more exciting.

Which brings us to step 3.

Step 3 – Be Prepared to Take Risks.

“Most people tiptoe through life hoping to make it safely to death,” I think it was Earl Nightingale who said this.

I ask you, what is the point of that? If your life consists of work that feels like drudgery to pay bills you struggle to meet and feel resentful about; or if you are in a relationship where at least one of you is hurting all the time; or if you are waiting for retirement so that you can finally have a bit of time to yourself to do what you really want to do … you aren’t living at all.

That is classified as survival, and although there is some satisfaction in surviving against the odds, in my mind, this is merely existing.

You are endowed with the most adaptable physiology on Earth. There is virtually no environment in which humans cannot live and thrive. More than that, you are endowed with an incredible faculty – imagination. You can dream, and that’s not an accident. Dreams give rise to desires and desires may challenge us, but there is no challenge you can think of that at least one human, if not entire nations, have not achieved once they decided to.

When I say “take risks” I don’t mean you should jump out of airplanes without a ‘chute or gamble your family’s home, I mean for you to use the guidance system you were born with.  Trust the universe knows how to deliver what you have fixed in your mind’s eye and have the adventure you were always meant to have. It’s called your LIFE.  Live it!

There You Have It: The Secret to Success

Have I achieved the impossible?  Have I convinced you this is the definitive way to success?  Do you understand the “formula”?  The only way to be sure is if you go out and give it a try – which means believing in yourself and being all you want to be.  My hope is you will prove I am right.  Self belief is the secret to success.

About the Author:
Trevor Emdon trained in psychiatry and psychotherapy, studied Eastern philosophies and metaphysics, went to the U.S. to attend Anthony Robbins’ “Mastery University” and one day discovered that he not only had been happy for a good while, but that he was pretty good at passing his wisdom onto others – and it was changing lives.

He is in his 50s, happily married, lives in a gorgeous rural English village, has great health, and makes some of his income from his self help books online amongst other success coaching activities. You can get 2 free reports about success from his website www.thebookofbeing.com

Photo: Copyright PhotoXpress.com

Most regular people are likely to say ‘no’ or ‘only somewhat’ when asked to measure their success, but these are both wrong answers.

We are much more successful than we think.  We just don’t give ourselves the appropriate credit.

Failing to recognize our true level of success is very detrimental to our growth in life.  The more successful we believe ourselves to be, the more likely we are to experience future success.

Success creates positive thoughts and motivates us toward even greater heights.  Embracing our past successes can literally skyrocket us toward what we want in life.

The Reason We Need to Measure Our Success Accurately

Believing we are successful builds our self-esteem.  Self-esteem gives us the confidence to assertively take action to accomplish our goals.  This concerted effort is what will get us what we want.  Therefore, we need to count up our successes as accurately as possible.

Imagine for a moment that your self-esteem is like a stack of poker chips.  Then imagine that you and I are playing a game of poker and you have 10 chips and I have 200 chips.  Who do you think is going to play more conservatively in this game of poker?  Yes, you are.  If you lose two bets of 5 chips, you’re out of the game.  I can lose 5 chips 40 times before I’m out of the game, so I am going to take more risks because I can afford to take the losses.  Your level of self-esteem works the same way.  The more self-esteem you have, the more risks you are willing to take.
~ Jack Canfield, The Success Principles

You need to build your stack of poker chips by acknowledging your success.  Unfortunately, we generally have a much greater tendency to remember our failures.  Why is this?  Well, there is usually a lot more emotional significance placed on failures.

Here’s a simple example.  A child brings home a good report card.  We pat them on the back and go on with life.  What would happen if the same child brought home a bad report card?  We would talk intensely to the child about what went wrong.  We might even punish the child for not fully applying themselves.  Which circumstance is going to stick out in the child’s mind?  That’s right , the failure.

The same thing happens at work, in our relationships and in our finances.  Even though we have fewer failures than we do successes, we tend to remember the failures more vividly giving them greater significance in our minds.  This is exactly what we need to counteract by measuring our successes more accurately so we believe we are successful.

Growth in Life Comes When We Count Our Successes

Again, we need to consciously and clearly bring to mind where we have triumphed to give ourselves that boost of self-esteem and confidence needed to move to the next level.

Doing this is a very powerful way to elevate your thinking.  Accurately counting up your past successes is like pouring rocket fuel in your engine.  It will give you a tremendous boost toward your goals.

Here are a couple of techniques you can use to count up your successes:

1.  Create a List of 100 or More Successes

Get out a sheet of paper and start making a list of successes in your life.  Your goal is to get to 100.  In order to do this, you are going to need to dig deep.  We often set the bar too high for what we think of as a success.  You need to give yourself credit for all the things you’ve accomplished in your life. 

You may have to include things like getting your first job, learning to ride a bike, getting your baby to sleep through the night, catching a touchdown pass in high school, getting an article published, making an A in math, getting married, having children, surviving basic training and completing a drawing course.  These are all successes.  We just take them for granted.  We forget about them.  This exercise is designed to help you recall and acknowledge how much success you’ve already achieved.  Work on it until you get to 100!

2.  Keep a Victory Log

A great way to increase the emotional significance of your successes so they add to your stack of poker chips is to maintain a victory log.  In other words, keep an ongoing list of all your accomplishments.  You can do this on your computer or in a spiral notebook.  It doesn’t matter.  You just need to log your successes to make them more memorable.  You can include things like paid cash for a car, cleaned up my office and closed the deal we needed at work.  The point is to write it all down.

Reviewing this log of successes is a very powerful way to give yourself a boost of confidence when you need it.  Before you walk in to ask your boss for a raise, take out your victory log and recall all the success you have produced in the past.  This will bolster your confidence and soon you’ll have another victory to add to the list!

This Will Produce the Growth in Life You Want

You’ve been a lot more successful over the years than you’ve realized.  It is vitally important that you acknowledge all your past success so you can experience even greater levels of success in the future.  This is truly a confidence-boosting way to live.  It will also help you maintain a more positive attitude.  All of which will skyrocket you to greater heights in your life.  Success breeds success!

Photo by jurvetson

That’s kind of a silly question because we all do.  At least, I think everyone else does or maybe I’m just weird.  It’s probably just me.  I’ve always been kind of a loser.

Isn’t that how it normally goes?  Your brain just kind of runs away on you.  One minute everything is fine and the next you feel totally small and insignificant.

Why do we do this to ourselves and how can we avoid it?

We need to battle feelings of insignificance to be successful

Feelings of inferiority undermine our success.

Our doubts about ourselves rob us of the confidence we need to take the action necessary to achieve positive things in our lives.

In other words, feelings of insignificance lead to doubt which grows to fear.  Fear paralyzes us preventing us from taking action.

Success requires action.

It doesn’t really matter how you define success.  It requires you to DO something to get there. 

When we are constantly battling feelings of inferiority and insignificance, you aren’t likely to take the appropriate steps to get to where you want to go. 

Therefore, in order to live a full and rewarding life, we must learn to quiet the negative voice in our heads that pulls us down and step forward toward where we want to be.

Do you have an inferiority complex?

First, let’s deal with the worst case scenario.

Most of us probably don’t really have a true inferiority complex.  Generally, this condition is characterized by extremely low self-esteem and insignificance.

If you are concerned that you might suffer from an inferiority complex, then please take a look at the 7 Signs You Have An Inferiority Complex to evaluate yourself.

Again, many of us have feelings of inferiority to a lesser degree from time-to-time, but if you are one of the few that regularly and strongly identifies with the seven signs, then I would encourage you to seek some professional counseling.

It is possible to free yourself from an inferiority complex so you can live a more full and happy life, but you probably need some assistance to get back on the right path.

With just a little help from a good counselor, you will develop a healthy self-image which will give you the confidence to live a happier, more fulfilling life!

How to deal with occasional feelings of insignificance

Okay, so you don’t have an inferiority complex, but you still battle feelings of insignificance and insecurity once in awhile.

How do you overcome some of this so you have the confidence to step up to the next level of fulfillment in your life?

Here are some ideas that might help:

1.  Learn to recognize when the negative talk in your head starts

Becoming acutely aware of your own negative self-talk is important.  Isn’t it odd that we are often our own worst enemies?  Your thoughts are your own.  Acknowledge what you are doing to yourself, learn to consciously hear it when it starts and then refuse to continue beating yourself up.  Easier said than done, but worth the effort!

2.  Train your brain to think and respond more positively

Our minds operate on the garbage in, garbage out principle.  Feed your mind positive, affirming information and it will respond in kind.  Have you ever tried positive affirmations?  Don’t laugh until you’ve given it a shot.  I’ve used sound recordings of positive affirmations and they seem to me to work.  They are like a vitamin for your self-confidence!

3.  Find yourself a personal cheerleader

When you set out to accomplish an important project, find yourself a cheerleader.  I’m not talking about the kind that wears short skirts and skimpy tops either.  You need someone that will reassure you and encourage you through those moments of doubt.  This is why Alcoholics Anonymous uses sponsors.  Everyone needs someone cheering them on when they are facing a crisis in self-confidence.

4.  Make a detailed written plan

I don’t know exactly why, but somehow writing out a plan takes some of the scariness out of challenging situations.  Maybe it takes some of the emotion of of it.  Whatever it is, it works.  It also serves as a way that your cheerleader can help hold you accountable.  This positive pressure will push you beyond the fear that traps you in procrastination.

These steps will help you overcome feelings of insignificance

I have found that by following the tips above that I have been much more successful in achieving my goals.  Every step gets me a little closer to the success I desire.

Don’t continue to let your thoughts run wild!  Those whispers of doubt have a bigger impact than you think.  Getting past them will unleash a level of success you haven’t previously experienced!

How do you overcome your feelings of insecurity and insignificance?  Let me know!

Photo by *Zara

Randy Pausch taught us a lot about adversity.

A great example of this is Randy Pausch.  Randy could have curled up in a ball and given up when he learned that he had pancreatic cancer, but he didn’t.  Instead, he decided to live out the days he had remaining with the best attitude he could muster.  As a result, he made a difference for himself, his family, and millions of others that have watched, heard, and read his Last Lecture. 

Randy inspired numerous people to achieve their dreams.  What an incredible legacy to leave and he did it all in spite of the cancer that was killing him.  What kinds of things helped Randy handle his adversity so well?  Although Randy didn’t exactly put it in the same words, I think he would agree with the ideas below.

Survival skills to help you weather adversity.

Staying alive in an adventure survival situation depends on a number of factors, but researchers are discovering that a lot of it has to do with the way a person thinks.  You have to be able to stay calm and think clearly despite the stress if you want to be a survivor instead of a statistic.  These same skills will translate to help us handle other types of stressful situations.

Recently, I read a great article about Everyday Survival in National Geographic Adventure magazine.  In this article, Laurence Gonzales points out that things like character, emotion, personality, thinking style, and ways of viewing the world contribute significantly to the way people survive to be rescued. 

I ‘d like to highlight a few of the things mentioned in the article and how I think these can help us cope with any adversity in life.

1.  Do the right next thing.

Survivors have to be able to break down complex situations into smaller, more manageable tasks.  How do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time!  The smaller the steps you take in a difficult situation, the better.  This allows you to build confidence and regain your composure.  A little success can go a long way toward helping you to regain your senses.  The article points out that even unassociated tasks can help restore more organized thinking.  For instance, when a problem situation arises you might do a little house work.  This will help you calm yourself and restore some order to your thinking.  Once your brain is back on track you will make better decisions about your next move.

2.  Deny denial.

One of the first stages of grief and other forms of adversity is usually denial.  We refuse to accept that bad things are happening to us.  This denial can be detrimental to a quick recovery.  When we fail to accept our reality, we delay taking positive action to recover from the circumstances.  My optimism makes me especially susceptible to this.  I do not want to believe that bad things are happening.  When my home was being threatened by a tornado, I didn’t want to believe it was going to hit us.  If I had continued in this denial, then I might not have taken cover soon enough.  We have to learn to recognize when we are denying the reality of our situation and move past it quickly.

3.  Trust your instincts.

Our brains are able to gather and process a lot of information.  In crucial moments, our bodies automatically adapt very rapidly prioritizing resources where they are likely to be needed to survive.  In these moments, learn to trust your instincts.  Listen to that small voice in the back of your head.  Instead, we often let our emotions take over.  We convince ourselves to do some really dumb things because of fear.  Generally, we would be much better off to trust our instincts right from the beginning.  Intuition can go a long way toward saving your skin and helping you to cope with adversity.

4.  Know Plan B.

When attempting a risky undertaking, always have a bailout plan.  In business, we call this an exit strategy.  You should have this plan figured out before you need it.  Define the parameters by which you will decide to bail, discuss it with any partners, and then stick to your plan.  Once things get heated, you may get caught up in the momentum of the situation which usually seriously impairs judgement.  In its simplest form, you can witness this by watching the television show Deal or No Deal.  Contestants take unnecessary risks because they get carried away by their emotions and fail to follow logic.  A well thought out bailout plan might save you from a catastrophe.  This is why firemen encourage us to have fire drills!

5.  Surrender, but don’t give up.

This is a way of saying, “Accept your situation, but don’t give up.”  I have heard many people profess that in adverse conditions we should examine our situation, imagine the worst possible outcome, and then accept it, but don’t give in to it.  By accepting the worst possible outcome, we can relax.  In a survival or terminal illness situation, many learn to accept that they may die.  Once they do, they find a sense of peace about it.  They stop trying to control things they have no power over and focus on those actions they can take.  This actually increases their chance of survival.  It sounds almost contradictory, but by accepting your limitations, you diffuse the emotions that can work against you.

Adversity is tough, but you can survive!

In adverse situations, we need to calm ourselves down so we can think clearly and make good decisions.  This is crucial.  You can train yourself for the big event, but applying these ideas in smaller scenarios.  Use these same techniques when difficult times occur at work.  By doing this, you will build confidence and train yourself so that you automatically react in the right way in a more intense situation.  This will significantly increase your chances of surviving anything life can throw at you!

How do you deal with adversity?

Photos by papalars and DavidK-Oregon

This is a guest post by Shilpan Patel.  Be sure to read Shilpan’s other fine articles on

“Fortune befriends the bold.”
~ John Dryden (1631-1700) British poet, dramatist and critic.

When was the last time someone approached you with an idea that you disguised in your mind?  Do you remember succumbing to this idea just for the lack of courage to say the two letter word, “No”?  It may have been your best friend asking to go see a movie that inspired you least but the scary thought of him scribbling your name from his list of friends forced you to surrender.  You’re not alone.  Most of us have been through the enigma of enduring mental strain just to please others.

Everyone including you, me and the likes of Tony Robins face this inevitable circumstance to have intense, deep inner desire to scream a word “No” yet when the moment arrives, we struggle and surrender meekly to the army of one.

If you dwell upon this behavior, if you create awareness and develop deftness to face the dreaded inevitable moment, you can win the battle without pulling a sword from your armory.  It may take a bit of adroitness to reject an idea without permeating the brain of the demanding person, but it can be done.

Why do we fear the word “No”?

There is multitude of reasons why we fear this two-lettered word.  We are creatures of an environment called social conditioning.  Over the years, we learn and stereotype habits from our elders, siblings and friends.  These habits form a belief system between our two ears.  This belief system drives our thoughts to do things that our inner voice opposes yet we listen to this devil for the powerful force of social conditioning.  Even if we don’t like playing tennis, we do act to play and enjoy tennis just because our mind chatters, “Well, If I say no, I’m going to be considered inept and a buffoon. I want to be a likable person.” — As a result, you spend hours on a tennis court exerting mental agony while showing a smile on your face to others.

I’ve found two main reasons for this behavior.  Good news is that — It can be changed as easily as a thermostat in your home.  Once you know these mind patterns and develop awareness to squash them, you are invincible.

1. Moderate self-esteem ~

We all strive for thumbs up from the rest of the world yet we harbor this fake reality in our mind that we are not good enough.  We look at the celebrities and try to compare ourselves with them.  We look at a friend with a nice car or a beautiful wife and downgrade our own worth with the comparison that only exists in our mind.  Over time, this mental conditioning weakens our desire to value ourselves high enough to reject the demands that we don’t feel comfortable about.

2. Desire to please others ~

As we grow, our desire to be likable and popular increasingly takes our thoughts.  We believe that as the reality.  We create a web of relationships and to keep feeding this ever-growing monster, we do insane things just to please the Joneses.  We purchase cars, we purchase homes and other luxuries that we can’t afford only to appear successful to this ever-growing web of relationships.  This desire to look successful takes a toll on our inner happiness.  It foments our thoughts of surrender for the social appeasement of others.

How to overcome the fear of saying “No”?

By now you and I agree that this short word – no can do wonders in our life if we learn the skill to overcome the fear of rejection and low self-esteem that we create in our mind.

1. Keep a journal of thoughts ~

Anytime you feel like screaming “No” inside yet succumb to the demand posed, write all of the thoughts that pop-up in your mind.  Our natural instinct is to kill them akin to our desire to kill those pop-ups on our computer screen.  Instead, develop awareness about these thoughts and their underlying tone.  By writing them down, you’ll be able to identify the source of your meek behavior.  This will be your first step towards learning the art of saying “No”.

2. Put the ball back into the other court ~

Well, you’ve agreed to play tennis despite the fact that you hated playing tennis.  You can hardly hit the ball with a straight racket much less hit it back to the other side.  Use your weakness as a weapon of attack.  You may want to say to the friend, “I love playing tennis with you but with your skill, you don’t want to waste your time playing with someone who is still learning the rules of the game, do you?”

Or if your boss demanded that you put everything aside and start working on this hot project, you may want to say — “Steve, that’s a great idea but we don’t want to offend one of our best customers, do we?  I’ll have to delay the other project by a week and I’m not sure that will bode well but I know that you looked at all the facts and you might have considered that already.  So, I’ll start working on it tomorrow.”

The boldness lies in our ability to say “No” with finesse and the propriety to overcome this difficult skill.  The benefits it provides are infinite for the rest of our life journey.

“Boldness, without the rules of propriety, becomes insubordination.”
~ Confucius (BC 551-BC 479) Chinese philosopher.

How do you find the strength to say, “No”?  Leave a comment and let me know.

Photo by Scott89

Learning to cope with the hand that life deals us isn’t always easy.  Sometimes we can go through some pretty tough ordeals very early in life.  These experiences can affect our attitudes and beliefs well into adulthood.  Yesterday, in Part One, I told the story of how a series of events occurred in my life and the impact they had on me.  Is something that happened to you in grade school still holding you back from living life to the fullest?  If so, then please read on because today I am going to share how I found the courage and strength to move on after these events.  I have had a great life and I know there is still more awesome times to come.  We do not have to let old wounds destroy us or those we love.  It is possible to make a difference.

It is important that we learn from other people’s experiences.  It is my sincere hope that by hearing what helped me, it will provide you with insights that might allow you to overcome something in your own life or help someone else.  It seems that there are plenty of kids out there that need help.  Just listen to the news and hear what is happening in our schools today to confirm this.  We need people with courage to stand in the gap and help these kids deal with the issues that are haunting them. 

A short recap of where we left off in the story.

I was a preteen boy in middle school and my confidence was shot.  My home life had disintegrated and I was doing poorly in school.  I had been mistakenly labeled and put in what was widely known as a class for the “dumb” kids.  I had a bully coach riding me relentlessly and all the emotional stress caused me to start having stomachaches.  I was struggling and wanting very much to escape.  I could have just folded.  I could have succumbed to it all and resigned from life, but I didn’t.  I found the strength and encouragement to move on.  Here are the things that I believe helped me the most.

The power of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

My grandma always told me as far back as I can remember that I was going to be somebody when I grew up.  She repeated to me that one day I would be President of the United States.  She created a positive, self-fulfilling prophecy in me.  This started well before my troubles in middle school, but I believe that it created an attitude in me that refused to give up.  It made me want to succeed and believe that I could even when everything was working against me. 

I am trying very hard to use this same technique with my children.  I tell them often that they are going to be successful in their lives.  I help them develop images in their minds of what their lives will look like in the future.  I think this is a powerful way that one person can make a significant difference in the life of a child.  Of course, even as adults it can mean a lot when someone expresses confidence in our ability to deal with a situation. 

A school counselor came to the rescue.

It amazes me still to this day when I look back that it took so long for an adult to realize that my stomachaches were caused by the emotional stress of my circumstances.  It often seems that adults are either blind to situations in kid’s lives or reluctant to get involved.  Thankfully for me, there was a school counselor that finally took me aside and started discussing with me why my grades had slipped and what was causing my stomachaches.  This one outsider and confidante provided an outlet where I could discuss my problems.  It seemed to make an immediate difference.  Just knowing that one other person in the world cared and empathized with my situation gave me a lot of encouragement.  She also helped me sort out my feelings and develop a plan to get my grades back on track.  Talking with a friend or being a friend, especially to a child can really have a tremendous impact.  Don’t wait for them to come to you.  People in distress aren’t thinking straight.  Ask and listen.  This is all you need to do.

A new environment gave me a fresh start.

In my situation, a new playground with new playmates proved to be very beneficial.  Sometimes a person just needs a change of environment to help them get over things from the past.  The next school year my mom remarried and we moved to a new school district.  It was in the same town, but the new school offered an entirely different atmosphere.  I also had the chance to make some new friends that knew nothing of my past.  The teachers didn’t know me and weren’t familiar with my problems from the last two years.  I had a clean slate, a chance to start fresh.  It worked wonders for me.  My grades rebounded and my stomachaches went away.  My social life began to recover and I was happy again.  I had hope. 

Of course, I think you have to be careful with this one.  It worked for me, but in another situation a move could cause more stress.  I think the fact that I just changed schools without moving to a new town helped.  The school was where a lot of my problems had manifested themselves.  By getting away from that environment, I think it helped me to leave all that behind.

I had something bigger to believe in.

Faith in a higher power is an amazing elixir for difficulties in life.  Also, when you belong to a group such as a church or support group you have caring people around you to lean on during difficult times.  Fortunately, my parents had gotten me involved in Sunday School at a local church before any of these events took place in my life.  I remember clearly the feeling of optimism I got when I read inspirational verses from the Bible.  Things like Psalms 37:4 that states, “Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.”  When you don’t feel like you have the power to change a bad situation, positive, encouraging words like these give hope.  We all need to hope in something.  Having a support group and belief in a power bigger than myself and my problems has gotten me through more than one struggle in my life.  I don’t know how people that are all alone without something to give hope are able to handle these kind of difficulties.

Conclusion

This was a dark season in my life, but because a few people cared, I got through it.  Part of the things that helped me were in place before the hard times came.  This is important.  Had my grandmother not instilled a positive prophecy in me beforehand and had my parents not had me involved in Sunday School, I am convinced things would have been harder for me.  Of course, even with these things, I still needed the new friends and guidance of a caring adult to move on.  If you are struggling or even more importantly if you know a child that is going through a tough time, I hope you have found something here that you can do to help.  Take it from me.  It is truly amazing the difference it will make!

Photos by Tim in Sydney and kilobar and Leonard John Matthews

It is amazing that a series of negative events that happened so long ago can still have such an impact on our lives.  When I was in middle school, I had a series of what I would call incidents happen to me that I believe still have a profound impact on my level of confidence to this day.  I think that as a result, I developed certain habits of behavior that aren’t always productive.  Are things that happened to you in grade school still holding you back?  It is an interesting question to ponder.

A part of living life to the fullest is honest and open self-evaluation.  It is about exploring areas of our lives where we can improve.  I want to continually reflect and learn about myself so I can strive for excellence.  Today, I thought I’d share some of my story and tomorrow I am going to continue with how I was able to deal with these issues and move on.

How an achievement test started it all.

The best that I can remember, it started with a math achievement test.  I had always done pretty well in school.  However, I vividly recall this one achievement test and what happened.  Each student was required to complete a multiple choice math test using one of those sheets with all the circles.  It was the kind you had to complete with only a #2 pencil and every circle had to be filled in completely for the computer to read it properly.  These math tests were timed and strictly proctored.  Somewhere in the middle of the test, I accidentally skipped a line of circles so all my answers were off by one line.  I tried to fix it, but I ran out of time.  Unfortunately, I didn’t understand the importance of the test at the time, so I didn’t tell anyone. 

A few weeks later the results came back and obviously I didn’t do well at all.  What I then learned was that these tests were being used to divide us up into different classes.  There were three classes.  The kids that scored the highest were in the “smart” class so they could continue to be challenged.  The kids that scored in the average range were in another class and those of us that scored below average were in what everyone recognized as the “dumb” class.  I was devastated.  I just knew I should have been in the “smart” class.  It was where all my friends were at.  It was where I belonged.  However, despite my history of good grades in math, no one questioned the achievement test and I was left in the slow learners class.  It was a blow to my ego and in my mind a travesty of justice.  I was dazed and confused and I think a little in shock that adults would let this happen to me.

The summer that shook my world.

Summer started and I soon found out that my parents were a little preoccupied at the time  of my achievement test which is probably why they didn’t step in.  One bright, sunny afternoon while playing some basketball with me, my dad announces that my mom is moving out and taking my brother and I with her.  I felt like the rug was jerked out from underneath me.  My world was starting to spin out of control.  It seems like it was only a few days later that our stuff was loaded up and moved into an apartment.  I was so emotionally upset by my parents’ divorce that I literally felt sick for months. 

When the new school year started, I remember calling my mom often to come pick me up because I had a stomachache.  I did this over and over.  She took me to the doctor, but of course, they couldn’t find anything physically wrong with me.  I now know that it was the emotional stress that was making me feel sick.  However, no one else seemed to get it.  Eventually, my mom began refusing to come get me.  She had to work and there wasn’t anything that the doctors could find that was wrong with me.  It was a tough time.

The coach that didn’t care.

This new school year brought another challenge to my shaky little life.  I encountered my first male teacher that was also a coach.  My confidence and ego were already badly bruised, but this guy didn’t know or care.  He taught science and he liked to intimidate.  I was obviously very distracted and vulnerable.  My grades were slipping.  I started struggling in his class.  His method of motivation was to try to bully his students into doing better.  He jumped on me and proceeded to try to use his middle school coaching skills to get me moving.  Given where I was at emotionally, this did not bode well for me.  It felt like he was a drill sergeant that was sent in to break me.  He was just about the final straw.  The additional pressure that he added to my life almost made me give up altogether.

How all this affected me.

It seems we are so vulnerable as children to these incidents.  Our minds are so open and primed for influence.  I know my experiences were mild compared to what many go through with physical, sexual, and emotional abuse.  I don’t know how they endure it.  Nevertheless, my experiences are no less valid.  They influenced my way of thinking and seeing myself.  In addition, I think these events took place at a very critical stage in my life.  I was a preteen boy that was just starting to try to figure out who he was in the world.  Unfortunately, the answers that were handed to me weren’t pretty.

These incidents told me that unjust things can happen that are out of my control to fix.  As a result, I started expecting bad things to occur to me.  I also felt powerless.  This is what I hated the most.  I wanted to fix it, but I couldn’t, so instead I tried to just roll over and take the beating that life offered.  I felt sorry for myself.  I adopted a kind of “poor me” way of dealing with negative experiences.  I started to accept the belief that I was truly powerless.  I wanted to just give up so that I could escape.  When you start thinking this way, people sense it and they do one of two things.  Some just move away from you and others attack.  It is like the weak wildebeest on the African grasslands.   Its friends around it in the herd move away to protect themselves and the predators move in for an easy kill.

How I dealt with it and moved on with my life.

As much as I wanted to, I didn’t give up.  I moved on.  I got through it.  In Part 2 tomorrow, I will tell you what I think gave me the strength and encouragement to do it.  We all encounter difficulties in life.  How we deal with these and how we help other people deal with them are what differentiates those that succeed from those that don’t.  I hope that by sharing my story, you will be able to better help yourself or someone that you are close to in your life.

If you have had similar experiences in your life, I would love to hear about them.  Please leave a comment and let me know your thoughts.

Photos by Tim in Sydney and colourize and saltoricco

Attitude Check:  How’s your current attitude toward your goals?

I found the quick video below where Jack Canfield, the originator of the “Chicken Soup for the Soul” series, discusses the benefit of being consistent in our attitude no matter what the circumstances.  I hope you enjoy it!

If you found this to be useful, please click the links below to give it a Stumble or Digg.

Entrepreneurs know what I’m talking about here.  Up until a couple of years ago, I was a partner in a small business.  Have you ever tried marketing a small business?  It wasn’t easy.  It takes intensity.  You have to be so committed and intense that it almost becomes an obsession.  It has to be what you think about every waking moment.  This level of intensity is what it takes to get people to notice you and your business.  Why do you think that car dealers bombard us constantly with television commercials?  It is difficult to get noticed and even more difficult to motivate people to take the action we want them to take to buy our product or engage our services.  Of course, most small business owners do not have the marketing budget to run non-stop commercials, so they need intensity to do guerilla marketing.

The attitude has to be one of “Do or die!” or “California or bust!”  Settlers that left good homes in the East and traveled to California back in the 1800s had intensity.  They faced unimaginable obstacles that threatened their lives everyday.  It wasn’t just their financial livelihood at stake, if they went bust, then it probably meant the death for them and their families.  That is pressure that will motivate you to do whatever it takes and to never stop.  This is the same level of intensity we must bring to our endeavors if we want to see them succeed in a big way.

White-hot intensity pushes fear aside for me.  When I’m intensely committed to something, I won’t let anything get in my way.  When obstacles arise and they almost always do, I improvise.  I workaround them.  I find someone that can help.  I try and try again until I find the perfect combination of things to do to overcome the issue.  I have a whole different level of confidence and determination when intensity is working for me.  There is no room in my mind for self-doubt.  I am completely consumed with doing everything I can to make my endeavor a success.

We typically say that athletes are “in the zone” when they are playing with this level of intensity.  You can see it in their eyes.  I have seen it in Tiger Woods eyes on numerous occasions.  His level of concentration toward the game of golf is what makes him a champion.  He doesn’t let anything distract him from the shot he needs to make.  He isn’t thinking “What if I hit into that bunker?” or “Wow, I bet there is going to be a great celebration when I win.”  He is just concentrating on doing exactly what he needs to do to get the ball from where it is to where he wants it to be.  Thinking about the bad things that might happen or how much I am going to party when I succeed are just distractions that take my mind off what I need to do to succeed.

Another thing about intensity is that it seems to have a positive physiological effect on me.  I have more energy and stamina.  I get up earlier to get more done toward my project.  When the alarm goes off, I get right up rather than laying there wondering how morning arrived so quickly.  I work at a pace that would normally wear me out, but I find that when I’m doing what I love, I am able to keep going.  This effect often amazes me, but I thoroughly enjoy it.  I suppose this is another aspect of intensity that benefits athletes as well.

There is a potential pitfall to this level of intensity.  The single-mindedness that I need to succeed is sometimes detrimental to the balance in my life.  I get so intense that I devote all my time and energy to my endeavor and neglect other areas.  I get agitated and frustrated when other important people and things in my life “distract” me from my present initiative.  Fortunately, by attacking things with such intensity, I am usually able to succeed with them in a fairly short period of time.  This allows me to regain the balance in my life quickly.  However, I still have to guard against this because relationships are easily damaged.

My present project is this blog.  I have been going after it with passion and intensity.  I hope you find it beneficial.  Please leave a comment and let me know how intensity works for you.  Also, if you enjoyed this please Digg or Stumble It so others will know.