Do you understand the real differences between introverts and extraverts?

There is a lot of misunderstanding about these two personality types.  This leads to unnecessary interpersonal conflict in the home and at work.

Which are you an introvert or an extravert?  What are your children?  What is your spouse?  It is extremely important to know.  It can explain a lot about how you get along.

I’ve heard from several people saying, “Man, if I’d only understood our differences sooner.  I could have avoided so many fights.  It all makes perfect sense now.”  My hope is that I can help you avoid being one of these people looking back with regrets by shining a little light on this issue.

Introverts Are Not Weird Just Misunderstood

I am an introvert so I’m going to approach this subject from the angle I know the best.  Also, this approach makes sense because introverts are the ones most misunderstood in the current culture. 

I don’t think it will be a surprise to anyone when I say that our society embraces being an extravert as the desired way to be.  This is despite the fact that somewhere around half of all people are introverts.

Extraverts, I implore you, please learn to understand and accept us introverts. We are not weird, lacking personality or dysfunctional.  We are simply different from you.  Nobody did this to us.  We were born this way.  Our personalities are not stunted nor do we lack confidence.  We just interact with the world differently than you do.

There are a lot of misconceptions about us introverts and we’ve had to deal with this all our lives.  We’re not asking for any special consideration or status.  We just want you to stop thinking less of us because we are different.

Ways Extraverts Don’t Understand Introverts

There are several common misconceptions about introverts that I want to uncover today to help you understand us better.  Along the way, I’ll contrast this with the way extraverts approach life to help you gain some insight into how conflicts arise.

Here are some mistaken ideas about introverts:

1.  Introverts Are Antisocial

This is not true.  We definitely crave relationships and social interaction.  We just don’t need it in the same way as an extravert.  It all boils down to the primary difference between the two personality types.  You see, extraverts gain energy from interacting with other people.  They come alive and get energized at big parties that offer lots of opportunities to interact.  Introverts on the other hand expend energy in these group settings.  We recharge by being alone and enjoying some peace and quiet.  This big difference is exactly where a lot of friction occurs in relationships.

2.  Introverts Are Shy or Lack Confidence

Again, not true and once again I think this perception is derived directly from the key difference.  Extraverts assume we are shy or lack confidence simply because we don’t feel the need to interact with strangers like they do.  Introverts are not big on small talk.  We prefer to get to the heart of the matter.  We want to have a few close friends as opposed to a wide number of casual acquaintances.  Plus, engaging with people we don’t know very well is draining to us.  Therefore, we don’t want to do it all the time.  It doesn’t mean we can’t.  It just means we don’t want to unless we are well rested and in the mood.  This tends to make extraverts think we are shy.  A totally inaccurate perception.

3.  Introverts Are Less Successful

It is commonly thought that extraverts are more successful, but this really isn’t true either.  There are plenty of successful introverts out there.  So, if you have a child that you think is an introvert, please don’t try to change them because this will likely cause more harm than good.   

You can rest assured that being an introvert will not ruin someone’s life.  Johnny Carson and Jerry Seinfeld are both introverts.  Bill Gates is an introvert.  Gwyneth Paltrow, Julia Roberts and Meg Ryan are all introverts.  So was Abraham Lincoln and Albert Einstein.  These are some pretty successful people in my book.  Being one personality type versus another has nothing to do with how successful you become.  However, understanding and accepting yourself as you are is important.

4.  Introverts Are Boring

This one makes me chuckle.  Just because we aren’t the life of the party doesn’t mean we are boring.  We just prefer different types of entertainment.  Of course, what we like will probably seem a whole lot less interesting to extraverts.  Again, this is a point of contention.  Extraverts are going to want to do things where they can interact.  It isn’t so much what they are doing, but who they are doing it with.  Introverts will likely prefer solo adventures.  You can be bungee jumping off the highest bridge in the world, but it will lack something for an extravert if there isn’t a crowd around to enjoy it with them.

Introverts may enjoy things like piloting small planes, scuba diving, traveling, kayaking, biking and mountain climbing.  Extraverts may like these too, but probably for different reasons.  They’ll want to be in the associated clubs.  We’ll just mainly want to engage in the activity.

5.  Introverts Lack Intelligence and Creativity

Introverts are definitely smart people.  Did you read the list of introverted actors, actresses, comedians and scientists above?  There is plenty of evidence that this common misconception is completely false.  Introverts are often intense thinkers, but we’ll usually hold our ideas in until they are fully formed.  Also, we’ll likely prefer to run our suggestions by a few close colleagues first before we share with the group.

Because we are often quiet and sometimes bored in meetings, we get labeled as less capable or lacking creativity.  Again, we are just different.  We like to think things over.  We like to let things percolate in our minds and we like to gather our thoughts before we engage.

A Little Understanding Can Go a Long Way

The difference between introverts and extraverts is a scale.  You can be all the way on one side or the other or you can be right about in the middle.  No two people are exactly the same even if they identify more with the introverted personality type or the extraverted type.  Everyone is unique.  Therefore, while these generalizations can help, you still need to spend some time trying to understand the individuals in your life.  Use the things I’ve presented here as a place to start.  Talk it over.  A little understanding in this area can really go a long way toward solving some pretty big differences.

Are you an introvert or extravert?  Have you struggled with being misunderstood or have you had problems in your relationships due to these issues?  Please leave a comment and let us know.  Your contribution may very well help others.

Photo: Copyright PhotoXpress.com

Marriage is never going to be without trouble.  No matter how compatible you are, tension is going to rise eventually.

You need to expect it and prepare yourself to deal with it.  Learning how to effectively handle conflict in your marriage is probably one of the key factors in determining whether or not it will last.

Couples that can handle stress and arguments avoid building up the negative thought patterns toward their spouse that often lead to break-ups.

Expert Advice on How To Make Your Marriage Last

A lasting marriage is one that is resilient.  It can stand the heat.  Even if you think you’ve found the most loving, gentle and patient person on the face of the planet, chances are at one time or another you are going to experience some friction.  The things below can literally save your marriage if you put them into practice, but don’t just take my word for it, find out what the experts are saying.

Here are five things that marriage experts say can make your marriage last forever:

1.  Abide by Marital Rules of Engagement

In a conflict, the military has specific rules of engagement to follow.  These rules define exactly how they are authorized to respond to a particular threat or encounter.  Every soldier has to abide by the rules of engagement.  One of the purposes for strict rules of engagement is to keep the fight from escalating and erupting into a huge ordeal.  This same principle can be applied to marriage.

As is pointed out in Argue Fairly With Your Spouse: The Rules of Engagement, arguments in marriage are difficult to avoid.  However, it is possible to keep a disagreement from exploding into World War III by agreeing to fight fairly.  Following the marital rules of engagement can certainly protect your relationship from lasting resentment that over time can ruin a marriage.

2.  Learn to Accept Constructive Criticism

Your marriage is likely your closest relationship.  Therefore, your spouse probably knows you better than anyone else.  They also spend a lot of time with you.  It only stands to reason that they are going to see things about you that you need to change.  If you want your marriage to last, then as pointed out at Project Happily Ever After you have to learn How to Take Criticism.

Probably the best thing you can do and the hardest is to simply listen.  Listen without getting defensive.  Listen without planning your response.  Listen with all your might.  Your spouse may be telling you something that is vitally important to your relationship and your well-being.  If you miss it, then you are doing your relationship and yourself an injustice.

3.  Understand that We All Married the Wrong Person

Love during courtship and dating tends to blind us to our partners’ faults.  Television and movies plant the idea in our heads that marriage is supposed to be passionate and carefree all day, every day.  These things are destructive to marriage.  You’ve got to learn to take the good with the bad.  There is no one perfect person for you that never will never irritate you or get on your nerves.

As Lori points out in We All Married the Wrong Person, you didn’t have all the information about your spouse when you got married.  Therefore, you are going to discover some positive and some negative things after you get married.  This is a fact for all of us.  Accepting your spouse for who they are and learning to adapt is paramount to making your marriage last.

4.  Check Your Level of Commitment

When you said, “Until death do us part”, did you really mean it?  Short of things like physical and emotional abuse, you need to perform a gut check and verify that you are in this to the end.  As David puts it, Marriage Is the Willingness to Be Miserable.  It sounds pretty negative, but what he is saying is that life has many highs and lows.  Are you willing to stick with your spouse even during long spells when life is completely miserable?

Life throws a lot of curve balls at you.  Your spouse is going to go through some hard times.  They are going to struggle physically, mentally, emotionally, financially and probably in numerous other ways over the course of a lifetime.  Do you have what it takes to stick it out?  Can you be there in the tough times as a supportive and encouraging partner?  I’d recommend checking your level of commitment before you say, “I do” if you want your marriage to last.

5.  Acknowledge You Are Different

Different is good.  It gives you depth.  If you and your spouse are too much alike, then you won’t have the wherewithal needed to handle all that will come your way in life.  However, differences can also lead to problems especially on those hard days.  Shannon explores this brilliantly in Marriage Under Stress: Do you and your spouse cope differently in times of stress?

As Shannon was reminded, men and women often have a very different approach to tough times.  Understanding and accepting this will save you from a lot of heartache and misunderstanding.  Neither response is necessarily wrong and both are often needed, but knowing how to handle the differences when feelings are raw is critical to getting along for the long haul.

Photo by p0psicle

There is a lot of confusion and misinformation out there about these two natural tendencies.  Understanding the difference correctly can vastly improve one’s life, relationships and self-perception.

I know I have personally struggled with the way that I am.  I’ve grossly misunderstood myself and why I act the way I do for a good portion of my life.

I am an introvert.  There I said it.  It is out in the open now.  I’ve known this for a long time, but I didn’t really fully understand what it means.  I thought introversion was something negative, but it is not.

What I’ve learned about introversion and extroversion has really helped me.  I’ve developed a greater appreciation for both and this understanding has helped me to become more comfortable with myself and with all the crazy extroverts in this world. 

The Difference Between Introverts and Extroverts

Again, there is a lot of misunderstanding perpetuated via books, the web and television about what it means to be an introvert or extrovert.

I used to think that shyness is what made a person an introvert.  I knew that shyness was an undesirable trait so I really fought against thinking of myself in this way.  The thing is, I had it all wrong.

I recently read Introvert Power by Laurie Helgoe, PhD.  It was truly an eye-opening book. 

If you’ve struggled with self-doubt because of being an introvert, then I’d highly recommend you read it.  Also, if you suspect that maybe your spouse, child or close friend is an introvert, then again you could really learn some valuable information from this book.

For example, simply understanding the real difference between introverts and extroverts can make relationships much smoother.

Extroverts gain energy from interacting with other people and expend energy while reflecting.  That’s why they like to go to parties and constantly hang out with their friends.  Extroverts very seldom want to be left alone with their own thoughts.

On the other hand, introverts gain energy from being alone and reflecting.  They expend energy when interacting.  This is why introverts prefer solitary activities or smaller, more intimate gatherings.  We like to read a good book, spend time writing in our journals and just hang out at home.

Most of us have some introverted and some extroverted tendencies.  However, we generally have one orientation that we prefer and that fits us best.

The best way to decide if you are an introvert or extrovert is to look at your leisure time.  How do you prefer to spend it?  Do you relax and re-energize yourself by being alone or with others?

Where Conflicts Between Introverts and Extroverts Arise

Imagine an introvert married to an extrovert.  The extrovert loves to go out with friends and attend every party they can find.  It makes them feel alive and energized. 

They can’t understand why their introverted spouse just wants to stay at home.  They think, “What a stick in the mud!”  It gets really old having to beg him/her to go all the time.

Extroverts are very persuasive so oftentimes the introvert gives in and follows their spouse to the party.  It seems like the “right thing to do”.  They are married after all.  However, over time, the introvert starts to resent their extroverted partner for constantly dragging them to these events.

Once they are at the party, the extrovert disappears.  He/she loves to mingle and talk to everyone and doesn’t understand why they find their introverted mate alone on the couch an hour later.  They think their spouse doesn’t even try to make friends.

Before long, the introvert begins to feel like they’ve “done their duty” and wants to leave.  Of course, the extrovert thinks it is way too early to leave now.  The party is just getting started.  If the introvert persists, then the extrovert may leave, but only with a healthy dose of frustration brewing.

In the car, tensions erupt.  The extrovert can’t understand why the introvert is so boring and antisocial.  The introvert doesn’t get why they can’t just enjoy one another’s company.  They wonder, “Why does my spouse want to hang out with everyone but me?”

The Truth About Introverts and Extroverts

Have you ever experienced anything similar to the conflict above?  I’ve been there, done that and it sucks.  We live in a society here in America that assumes extroversion is the way to be.  When you don’t want to party with people, something must be awry.

Have you ever told an extroverted friend or spouse that you just want to stay home on a Friday night only to be asked, “What’s wrong?”  This same person might tell you that all you need is a good night out on the town to get you out of your doldrums.  This is the way our extroverted society thinks.

I’ve spent a good portion of my life wondering what is wrong with me because of our culture of extroversion.  I thought I was shy, anti-social, lacking self-confidence and just plain weird. 

The truth is that I’m an introvert.  I only want large-scale social interaction when my batteries are fully charged.  Otherwise, I just don’t have the energy.  Friday night after a long week at work is not the time to ask me to a party.

The funny thing about our society is that about half of us are introverts.  It is true.

You’ve probably read a much different statistic in the past, but Helgoe went straight to the source to discover the truth.  She found that 50.7 percent of us are introverts according to a large-scale population study published in the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) Manual.

This is truly astonishing to me!  Why have I always felt so much in the minority?  Half the population is just like me.  There are a lot more introverts than you would think.  This was a great relief to me and it helped me to more fully embrace the way I am.

Basically, I’m not as weird as I thought.  I’m simply different from what our society assumes.  This is the truth about me and it is about you too if you are a fellow introvert.

Being an Introvert Is a Good Thing

I can’t believe it has taken me this long in my life to figure out that being an introvert isn’t so bad and that it explains a great deal of my behavior that was previously a mystery.

Now I’m willing to go even one step further to say that I’m glad that I’m an introvert.

It’s true.  I’m moving beyond that old baggage and embracing my strengths as an introvert or my Introvert Power.

Here are some of the reasons that I think it is good to be an introvert:

• Introverts are the great thinkers, artists, inventors and problem-solvers in our world.  They spend a lot of time contemplating the whys and hows that make the world go round.  Without them, we would sacrifice a lot of the great discoveries and refinements in life.
• Introverts are willing to spend time working on themselves.  In fact, introverts relish in this kind of self-exploration.  They are very introspective and often invest heavily in their own well-being.
• Introverts are smart.  One university found that 65% of their Phi Beta Kappa Honor Students were introverts.
• Introverts are great conversationalists.  They love to delve deep into noteworthy subjects.  Leave the small talk to the extroverts.  We want meat in our conversations!

It really is great to be an introvert.  I found Laurie Helgoe’s book extremely enlightening.  As a fellow introvert she was really able to help me unpack all the stereotypes and misinformation about introversion.  If you’ve felt like a second-class citizen because you’re an introvert, then you absolutely need to read this book.

Photo by Felix Francis

Often, when we take up a cause of any kind, we find others standing up against us.  Being the initiator or champion of change is a difficult job!

The conflict from such opposition is often tiring and discouraging. 

However, we should view it in a completely different light.  We should be thankful for it!

Why people offer opposition to our efforts

A lot of people seem to despise change even if it is ultimately for the better.  Change implies a move in a new direction into the unknown.

Spouses can fear us seeking a new job or starting our own business.  Employees can fear reorganizations or changes in compensation plans.  Whole segments of society can fear changes in immigration or gun control laws.

People often imagine the worst case scenario when they picture change in their mind.  Therefore, they resist and oppose such change.

They will argue with you.  They will stall.  They will attempt to create roadblocks.  They will whine.  They will fuss.  They will incite others against you.  They will often do everything in their power to obstruct, disrupt, dissuade, discourage and delay whatever it is you are doing that they don’t like.

It is exhausting trying to stroke these people and calm their fears.  However, it is essential to accomplish your bigger objective.

The good news about facing opposition and resistance

People that are facing such opposition are the very ones that are making good things happen in our businesses, families and government.  They refuse to just go along with the status quo.

Change just for the sake of change is no good, but those that can influence an organization or family to change for the better are the kind of leaders we need.

These leaders of change are the kind of people that earn the big bucks.  They are the kind that get to stick around during a layoff and they are the ones that get promoted.

So, the good news is that if you are facing opposition, if you are ruffling people’s feathers by pushing them to get better, then you must be doing something right!

Congratulate yourself because you are on the right path!

On the other hand, if your days are peaceful and easy, if you seldom feel anyone pushing back against what you are trying to accomplish, then you should be worried.

You probably need to step it up a notch.  You need to turn up the tempo.  You need to go out and find a cause to make your own.

Find a cause, make a stand and welcome the opposition!

Complacency is peaceful, but it is dangerous.  It is seriously more threatening to your well-being than any resistance you might encounter.

Do not let another day go by without stirring up some resistance by initiating meaningful and needed change!

If you are already feeling the opposition, then sit back for a moment and smile.  You are on the path to success!

What have you done lately that was met with opposition?  Let me know!

Photo by rocketjim54

Great post! You really dug deep to define the meaning of a true apology. What was really interesting was how you mentioned not to apologize until you truly feel sorry.

On multiple occasions I have seen people apologize due to pressure from their friends/family circle, even if they truly didn’t feel sorry. Eventually, leading to greater conflict down the road. What would be an ideal way to handle a situation like this?  ~Bobby Saini

This is certainly a tricky situation.  You are sort of caught between a rock and a hard place.  We all want to please our friends and family to avoid creating an additional issue with them.  However, apologizing before one really feels sorry is hard to pull off.  You may come across as insincere.  A bad apology can worsen the situation.  It may even prolong the time before a reconciliation can be achieved.

The relationship factor adds complexity

This question brings to light a powerful point.  We are all interconnected.  Relationships do not exist in a vacuum.  When we experience conflict with another individual, it usually impacts more than just the two people involved.  These situations frequently arise between people with common friends or family.  The friends or family hear of the discord and become concerned.  They want to help repair the relationship.  They know that a good apology will usually fix things.  It is only natural for them, out of their concern, to recommend apologizing to one or both parties. 

However, what friends and family usually discount is the emotions involved.  Those that aren’t directly involved in the situation are looking at it from a logical standpoint.  They aren’t experiencing the powerful emotions involved when two people are at odds with one another.  They often don’t understand the reluctance to apologize.  They just want the conflict to be over.  They exert their influence to try to hasten a return to peace.

How I would handle the pressure to apologize.

First, let me say that I am no expert in the field of human relationships.  Of course, I do have a lot of experience with apologizing.    I’m not sure if that helps or hurts my credibility, but either way, I’m still going to share my thoughts on how I would handle this situation.

Even though I know it is difficult, I would still resist the temptation to apologize before I was truly ready.  I would try to explain to my friends or family that although an apology may be due, I was not ready yet.  I know that the pressure may intensify, but I am pretty sure that waiting until I know I am ready is the best course of action.  I have a hard time hiding my feelings when I’m upset.  I would not want this to come through in any way when I render an apology.  Therefore, I could stick pretty tightly to my conviction on this. 

Of course, while I was waiting, I would continue to keep the lines of communication open with my friends and family to let them know that I was not simply ignoring their advice.  I would update them regularly on my feelings and seek their continued advice.  Hopefully, by keeping them involved, I would avoid any conflict with them.

What would your recommendation be in this situation?

How would recommend handling this situation?  What have I missed?  I hope you will help me make some additional suggestions so we can all learn how to better handle this situation in the future.  Please share any experiences you have had that might shed light on how this type of pressure to apologize can be dealt with more effectively.

Photo by Ed Yourdon