A great life does not come easy.  You have to possess the right elements to succeed and you have to employ them well.

Just like the characters in the Wizard of Oz, many people lack some of the fundamental things necessary to build a great life for themselves.

Have you struggled to create the life you really want?  If so, then maybe you need to perform a really honest gut check.  Maybe you need to ask yourself what you are lacking.  This kind of forthright inventory may reveal what you need to step up to the next level.

The scarecrow, tin man and lion were honest about what they needed in their lives.  Can you be as honest with yourself?

A Guided Self-Assessment From the Wizard of Oz

It is strange how some really basic truths about life become so clear through stories.  I’ve been reading my daughter The Wizard of Oz and it occurred to me that there are some very important life lessons that we can derive from this classic.

In fact, I think we can use their journey and soul-searching to do a little discovery of our own.  You may find that you also lack what they lacked and that is what is holding you back.

Here are three questions to ask yourself from the Wizard of Oz:

1.  Do You Lack Brains Like the Scarecrow?

It takes a lot of guts to admit that you need a brain.  I respect the scarecrow for owning up to his deficiency in this area.  Looking back over your life, could you benefit from having more brains?

When you assess yourself in this area, don’t think about book smarts or specific skills.  You can’t really change your IQ.  You are what you are in this area and we need to focus on what you can control to have any impact.

The biggest area where brains can help is in decision-making.  We can all control the decisions we make and the courses we pursue in life.  Have you been smart about your decisions?  Would those around you say that you have been wise in the way you’ve applied the intelligence you have or would they say you’ve squandered your life by making bad choices?

Remember, you have to be brutally honest with yourself if you want to really learn anything here.  Have you successfully applied your brain to get the best results possible?

If you’ve done some stupid stuff, that is okay.  We’ve all been there, done that.  Stupid is pretty common.  Some people just hide it better than others.  It is time to forget the past, forgive yourself and move on.

If you’ve made bad decisions in the past, then I’d recommend finding someone whose life decisions you respect and asking them to help you.  A mentor or life coach might be able to be your extra set of brains until you can clear your head and start making better choices for yourself.

2.  Do You Lack a Heart Like the Tin Man?

Our heart is the source of a lot of critical elements to living a great life.  For example, our heart is where our love, compassion and gentleness come from, but it is also where our motivation and desire originate. 

Do you lack heart?  Are you like the tin man who without a heart felt his life was empty?

You may look back over your life and see a path of broken relationships and heartbreak.  This is a sign that your heart might not be in the right place.  It may have grown calloused and hard or you may have simply not listened to your heart and instead pursued selfishness.  You can’t undo what’s been done, but you can start fresh today.

What purpose are you living for?  What do you really want most out of life?  Have you taken the time to really think about these questions?  The answers are crucial.  If you continue without knowing the real answers to these questions, then you are just wasting your life.  You are living without a heart.

You need to dig deep to find that small part of your heart that is still soft and pliable.  Nurture it and give it a chance to grow.  If you’ve experienced a lot of heartache, then you may need to talk to a counselor or therapist to help you open your heart again.  Finding your heart can return the color to your life.  It is the source of your inspiration.  Do whatever it takes to get your heart back.

3.  Do You Lack Courage Like the Lion?

Finally, you may know what to do and have the desire to do it, but simply lack the courage to step out and make it happen.  Has fear conquered you like it had the lion?

How is your fear holding you back?  What are you most afraid of?  The answers to these questions can be hard to dredge up inside yourself.  You may need to ask those around you what is holding you back.  You may not see it, but if you can get them to answer honestly, those closest to you almost certainly know.  It isn’t as well hidden as you think.

Fear stinks.  It smells and it stands out in your life.  Others see it even when you think you have it camouflaged so well.  It can keep you from getting that job you want, finding the spouse your desire or pursuing your lifelong dream.  Fear holds you back and it repels others.

It is just a fact that people are attracted to courage.  They want to be around others that are passionately and powerfully pursuing a purpose-filled life.

Do you suffer from a lack of courage?  If so, then admit it and find help.  Read about how our lizard brain holds us back from a great life.  Facing your fear and talking it out can often be the first step in setting yourself free to go further.  Don’t waste another minute trembling in fear.  Find your courage!

The Yellow Brick Road to a Great Life

The unexamined life is not worth living.  ~ Socrates

There is no wizard that can solve all your problems.  Remember in the story how the wizard was found out to be just a man?  Even the so-called gurus often turn out to be just as fallible as you and me.  We are all human, but we can examine ourselves.  We can take time to perform a gut check to see where we are and whether or not we are on the right road to the life we desire.  This is what sets us apart.  This is what makes us such remarkable creatures.  How are you doing?  What do you lack?  Figure it out and you discovered your own yellow brick road.

Photo by courtneyBolton

I have never fallen from any height so I’m not sure where my fear of heights came from, but it definitely exists.  I know it is illogical.  I can even tell myself in the moment that it is irrational.  This helps a little, but it is hard to control the thoughts and mental images that feed the fear.  It starts to takeover in my mind even when I know logically that there is nothing to fear.  We all have things that frighten us.  Emotions are powerful and when used wisely they can accelerate us toward success, but fear can also paralyze us.

What fear is holding you back?

Fear stops us in our tracks.  When it is irrational, it holds us back from living life to the fullest.  It can impact us in any area of our life.  We can use it as an excuse.  I have been guilty of letting fear hold me back so many times.  A fear of heights is one thing, but there are other fears that are even more limiting.  Here are a few fears that have kept me from experiencing the best life has to offer:

1. Fear of rejection – This is a biggie for me.  I hate being rejected!  I’ll very often avoid the situation before I’ll risk rejection.  I remember a few girls in high school that I wanted to ask out, but never took any action because I thought I’d be rejected.  Of course, by not asking, my probability of success was nil.  This same fear has held me back in my adult life as well.  I have missed opportunities because I was afraid to ask.
2. Fear of failure – This one can make us scale back our dreams so we can avoid the risk of failing.  This is really dangerous!  It has a high price in terms of living life to the fullest.  I’m guilty of this one too.  I succumb to it and then wonder why I don’t achieve  big things.  How silly, but true.
3. Fear of confrontation – What if I express an idea or take an action that others don’t agree with?  They might confront me.  They might criticize me.  It could hurt.  It could be discouraging.  Why should I expose myself to that.  I might not be strong enough to weather their challenge.  They might see through me or expose me as a fraud.  Of course, you can see that I am familiar with this fear as well!

What fear is holding you back?  Is it one of these or something else?  Do you want more out of life?  Are you getting what you want?  If you frequently feel you are not, then you are probably being held back by one of these fears.  You may not even be consciously aware of it.  You may have never even considered that it is fear holding you back.

Recognize and acknowledge your fears.

The first step in overcoming fear is to be honest with yourself about it.  If you cannot admit your fear, then there is no way to deal with it.  Recognizing fear isn’t usually that hard, but admitting it even to ourselves can be difficult.  Our egos won’t let us admit that we are the source of our own limitations.  Additionally, if we confess that the limit is within us, then there is no one else to blame for our lack of achieving what we truly desire.  By continuing to deny our fear, we are free to blame our boss, our spouse, our circumstances, our parents, our company, or anything else outside ourselves.  So, I’ll ask again, what fear is holding you back?

How to overcome fear.

In my experience, there is only one way to overcome fear.  You have to confront it head-on.  You have to take action and press through the fear.  Unfortunately, this is the only way to defeat fear and rise above it.

Courage is not the lack of fear. It is acting in spite of it.

~Mark Twain

I so wish that it was easy and painless to overcome fear!  I wish that there was some magical secret to courage that I could give you.  I wish I could tell you a simple formula sure to cure.  Unfortunately, I don’t think one exists.  I do not know of an antidote to fear, except working through it.  You have to face it and press through to the other side.  As Mark Twain states so simply and elegantly above, you just have to take action regardless of how afraid it makes you.  Otherwise, you will live with the consequences forever.

Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.

~Dale Carnegie

The longer we continue to wallow in our self-pity and fear, the more it imprisons us.  I have tried to overcome fear by reading books, meditating, and even self-hypnosis.  What a crock!  I was looking for that epiphany that would cure me.  It never came.  As I look back, I realize that my fears persisted until I faced them and worked through them.   Trust me, there is no other cure!

I believe that anyone can conquer fear by doing the things he fears to do, provided he keeps doing them until he gets a record of successful experience behind him.

~Eleanor Roosevelt

Mrs. Roosevelt has it right.  The only way to overcome fear is by taking action and exposing it as a fraud.  It takes time and it is scary.  Sometimes it is so scary that it is almost impossible to move in that direction.  In this case, you just have to take baby steps.  Move slowly, but move.  Keep moving toward your fear and gradually, you will build a record of success and before you know it, the fear will be so small that you will barely notice it anymore.

Action cures fear for me.

Over the years, I have pushed myself and consciously chose activities that expose me to uncomfortable heights.  I have climbed ladders, rappelled, and rode zip lines.  The more I do these things, the less frightened I become.  My fear has gradually subsided.  I have faced and conquered this fear.  I still hear it in the back of my mind from time-to-time, but it has much less control over me than it used to. 

This same thing works for other fears as well.  When I start getting nervous at work about calling someone to ask for something, I force myself to immediately pick up the phone and start dialing.  If I procrastinate, the fear grows and becomes a monster of my imagination that is hard to kill.  However, by taking immediate and decisive action, I squelch the fear before it has a chance to get a hold of me.  This same approach has worked for me in any number of situations.  Give it a try the next time you start feeling nervous or anxious about a particular action.  Act immediately.  I think you will find it works.

Don’t let fear hold you back any longer.  Acknowledge what you are afraid of, immediately proceed by taking action in the direction of your fear, and the fear will shrink.  In certain extreme cases, it may not go away completely, but you will become its master instead of its slave.  This is enough to help you have a full and successful life.

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Photo by Wolfcreeker

Learning to cope with the hand that life deals us isn’t always easy.  Sometimes we can go through some pretty tough ordeals very early in life.  These experiences can affect our attitudes and beliefs well into adulthood.  Yesterday, in Part One, I told the story of how a series of events occurred in my life and the impact they had on me.  Is something that happened to you in grade school still holding you back from living life to the fullest?  If so, then please read on because today I am going to share how I found the courage and strength to move on after these events.  I have had a great life and I know there is still more awesome times to come.  We do not have to let old wounds destroy us or those we love.  It is possible to make a difference.

It is important that we learn from other people’s experiences.  It is my sincere hope that by hearing what helped me, it will provide you with insights that might allow you to overcome something in your own life or help someone else.  It seems that there are plenty of kids out there that need help.  Just listen to the news and hear what is happening in our schools today to confirm this.  We need people with courage to stand in the gap and help these kids deal with the issues that are haunting them. 

A short recap of where we left off in the story.

I was a preteen boy in middle school and my confidence was shot.  My home life had disintegrated and I was doing poorly in school.  I had been mistakenly labeled and put in what was widely known as a class for the “dumb” kids.  I had a bully coach riding me relentlessly and all the emotional stress caused me to start having stomachaches.  I was struggling and wanting very much to escape.  I could have just folded.  I could have succumbed to it all and resigned from life, but I didn’t.  I found the strength and encouragement to move on.  Here are the things that I believe helped me the most.

The power of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

My grandma always told me as far back as I can remember that I was going to be somebody when I grew up.  She repeated to me that one day I would be President of the United States.  She created a positive, self-fulfilling prophecy in me.  This started well before my troubles in middle school, but I believe that it created an attitude in me that refused to give up.  It made me want to succeed and believe that I could even when everything was working against me. 

I am trying very hard to use this same technique with my children.  I tell them often that they are going to be successful in their lives.  I help them develop images in their minds of what their lives will look like in the future.  I think this is a powerful way that one person can make a significant difference in the life of a child.  Of course, even as adults it can mean a lot when someone expresses confidence in our ability to deal with a situation. 

A school counselor came to the rescue.

It amazes me still to this day when I look back that it took so long for an adult to realize that my stomachaches were caused by the emotional stress of my circumstances.  It often seems that adults are either blind to situations in kid’s lives or reluctant to get involved.  Thankfully for me, there was a school counselor that finally took me aside and started discussing with me why my grades had slipped and what was causing my stomachaches.  This one outsider and confidante provided an outlet where I could discuss my problems.  It seemed to make an immediate difference.  Just knowing that one other person in the world cared and empathized with my situation gave me a lot of encouragement.  She also helped me sort out my feelings and develop a plan to get my grades back on track.  Talking with a friend or being a friend, especially to a child can really have a tremendous impact.  Don’t wait for them to come to you.  People in distress aren’t thinking straight.  Ask and listen.  This is all you need to do.

A new environment gave me a fresh start.

In my situation, a new playground with new playmates proved to be very beneficial.  Sometimes a person just needs a change of environment to help them get over things from the past.  The next school year my mom remarried and we moved to a new school district.  It was in the same town, but the new school offered an entirely different atmosphere.  I also had the chance to make some new friends that knew nothing of my past.  The teachers didn’t know me and weren’t familiar with my problems from the last two years.  I had a clean slate, a chance to start fresh.  It worked wonders for me.  My grades rebounded and my stomachaches went away.  My social life began to recover and I was happy again.  I had hope. 

Of course, I think you have to be careful with this one.  It worked for me, but in another situation a move could cause more stress.  I think the fact that I just changed schools without moving to a new town helped.  The school was where a lot of my problems had manifested themselves.  By getting away from that environment, I think it helped me to leave all that behind.

I had something bigger to believe in.

Faith in a higher power is an amazing elixir for difficulties in life.  Also, when you belong to a group such as a church or support group you have caring people around you to lean on during difficult times.  Fortunately, my parents had gotten me involved in Sunday School at a local church before any of these events took place in my life.  I remember clearly the feeling of optimism I got when I read inspirational verses from the Bible.  Things like Psalms 37:4 that states, “Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.”  When you don’t feel like you have the power to change a bad situation, positive, encouraging words like these give hope.  We all need to hope in something.  Having a support group and belief in a power bigger than myself and my problems has gotten me through more than one struggle in my life.  I don’t know how people that are all alone without something to give hope are able to handle these kind of difficulties.

Conclusion

This was a dark season in my life, but because a few people cared, I got through it.  Part of the things that helped me were in place before the hard times came.  This is important.  Had my grandmother not instilled a positive prophecy in me beforehand and had my parents not had me involved in Sunday School, I am convinced things would have been harder for me.  Of course, even with these things, I still needed the new friends and guidance of a caring adult to move on.  If you are struggling or even more importantly if you know a child that is going through a tough time, I hope you have found something here that you can do to help.  Take it from me.  It is truly amazing the difference it will make!

Photos by Tim in Sydney and kilobar and Leonard John Matthews

It is amazing that a series of negative events that happened so long ago can still have such an impact on our lives.  When I was in middle school, I had a series of what I would call incidents happen to me that I believe still have a profound impact on my level of confidence to this day.  I think that as a result, I developed certain habits of behavior that aren’t always productive.  Are things that happened to you in grade school still holding you back?  It is an interesting question to ponder.

A part of living life to the fullest is honest and open self-evaluation.  It is about exploring areas of our lives where we can improve.  I want to continually reflect and learn about myself so I can strive for excellence.  Today, I thought I’d share some of my story and tomorrow I am going to continue with how I was able to deal with these issues and move on.

How an achievement test started it all.

The best that I can remember, it started with a math achievement test.  I had always done pretty well in school.  However, I vividly recall this one achievement test and what happened.  Each student was required to complete a multiple choice math test using one of those sheets with all the circles.  It was the kind you had to complete with only a #2 pencil and every circle had to be filled in completely for the computer to read it properly.  These math tests were timed and strictly proctored.  Somewhere in the middle of the test, I accidentally skipped a line of circles so all my answers were off by one line.  I tried to fix it, but I ran out of time.  Unfortunately, I didn’t understand the importance of the test at the time, so I didn’t tell anyone. 

A few weeks later the results came back and obviously I didn’t do well at all.  What I then learned was that these tests were being used to divide us up into different classes.  There were three classes.  The kids that scored the highest were in the “smart” class so they could continue to be challenged.  The kids that scored in the average range were in another class and those of us that scored below average were in what everyone recognized as the “dumb” class.  I was devastated.  I just knew I should have been in the “smart” class.  It was where all my friends were at.  It was where I belonged.  However, despite my history of good grades in math, no one questioned the achievement test and I was left in the slow learners class.  It was a blow to my ego and in my mind a travesty of justice.  I was dazed and confused and I think a little in shock that adults would let this happen to me.

The summer that shook my world.

Summer started and I soon found out that my parents were a little preoccupied at the time  of my achievement test which is probably why they didn’t step in.  One bright, sunny afternoon while playing some basketball with me, my dad announces that my mom is moving out and taking my brother and I with her.  I felt like the rug was jerked out from underneath me.  My world was starting to spin out of control.  It seems like it was only a few days later that our stuff was loaded up and moved into an apartment.  I was so emotionally upset by my parents’ divorce that I literally felt sick for months. 

When the new school year started, I remember calling my mom often to come pick me up because I had a stomachache.  I did this over and over.  She took me to the doctor, but of course, they couldn’t find anything physically wrong with me.  I now know that it was the emotional stress that was making me feel sick.  However, no one else seemed to get it.  Eventually, my mom began refusing to come get me.  She had to work and there wasn’t anything that the doctors could find that was wrong with me.  It was a tough time.

The coach that didn’t care.

This new school year brought another challenge to my shaky little life.  I encountered my first male teacher that was also a coach.  My confidence and ego were already badly bruised, but this guy didn’t know or care.  He taught science and he liked to intimidate.  I was obviously very distracted and vulnerable.  My grades were slipping.  I started struggling in his class.  His method of motivation was to try to bully his students into doing better.  He jumped on me and proceeded to try to use his middle school coaching skills to get me moving.  Given where I was at emotionally, this did not bode well for me.  It felt like he was a drill sergeant that was sent in to break me.  He was just about the final straw.  The additional pressure that he added to my life almost made me give up altogether.

How all this affected me.

It seems we are so vulnerable as children to these incidents.  Our minds are so open and primed for influence.  I know my experiences were mild compared to what many go through with physical, sexual, and emotional abuse.  I don’t know how they endure it.  Nevertheless, my experiences are no less valid.  They influenced my way of thinking and seeing myself.  In addition, I think these events took place at a very critical stage in my life.  I was a preteen boy that was just starting to try to figure out who he was in the world.  Unfortunately, the answers that were handed to me weren’t pretty.

These incidents told me that unjust things can happen that are out of my control to fix.  As a result, I started expecting bad things to occur to me.  I also felt powerless.  This is what I hated the most.  I wanted to fix it, but I couldn’t, so instead I tried to just roll over and take the beating that life offered.  I felt sorry for myself.  I adopted a kind of “poor me” way of dealing with negative experiences.  I started to accept the belief that I was truly powerless.  I wanted to just give up so that I could escape.  When you start thinking this way, people sense it and they do one of two things.  Some just move away from you and others attack.  It is like the weak wildebeest on the African grasslands.   Its friends around it in the herd move away to protect themselves and the predators move in for an easy kill.

How I dealt with it and moved on with my life.

As much as I wanted to, I didn’t give up.  I moved on.  I got through it.  In Part 2 tomorrow, I will tell you what I think gave me the strength and encouragement to do it.  We all encounter difficulties in life.  How we deal with these and how we help other people deal with them are what differentiates those that succeed from those that don’t.  I hope that by sharing my story, you will be able to better help yourself or someone that you are close to in your life.

If you have had similar experiences in your life, I would love to hear about them.  Please leave a comment and let me know your thoughts.

Photos by Tim in Sydney and colourize and saltoricco