Is your past holding you back?

You cannot obtain all the happiness, success and fulfillment that you desire when negatives from your past are holding you back.

If you feel something is stopping you short of achieving all you really long for, chances are it originates inside you.

You must learn to let go of the past if you want to truly soar.

Of course, letting go is not always easy.  Most of us are stuck in the past in one way or another.  We have a blindspot that some past experience created and this is holding us back from realizing our dreams.

Learn to Turn Past Negatives Into Positives

Recently, Brian Tracy’s publicity manager contacted me and asked me if I’d like a copy of Brian’s latest book to review.  I jumped at the opportunity to get a free copy because I always love what Brian has to say and find his work very useful in my life.

Brian wrote Kiss That Frog!: 12 Great Ways to Turn Negatives into Positives in Your Life and Work along with his daughter, Christina Tracy Stein.  Christina is a psychotherapist in private practice.  Together, Brian and Christina, deliver a powerful and insightful set of strategies to overcome past negatives in your life.

I found several real nuggets in this book that are helping me let go of the past and rise higher.  Things I wasn’t aware of before.

It is easy to believe that you’ve already fully dealt with all the negatives from your past, but that’s often not the case.  As I discovered as I read the book, most of us, can benefit from further work and understanding in this area.

Here are a few of the things that really impacted me from the book.

1.  One Past Negative Is One Too Many

“But holding on to this single negative emotion, refusing to forgive this one person or forgive what happened in that situation, is enough to undermine and destroy all your hopes and dreams for health, happiness, and personal fulfillment.”  ~ Brian Tracy

Brian equates holding on to one past negative — even unknowingly — to driving a car with one front wheel locked so it doesn’t rotate.  No matter how much you accelerate, you aren’t going to get too far.  You’ll just go round and round in circles.

If you are hanging on to unforgiveness, bitterness or pain from the past, you are still allowing that person or situation to have power over you.  Often, we think that by remaining angry or upset, we are punishing the one that wronged us.  In fact, we are only hurting ourselves.

Releasing that past negative is the best and only way to ultimately defeat it.

One past negative is one too many.  Letting go will free you to soar.

2.  Have a Happy Past

“Imagine that you chose your parents deliberately so that you could experience the trials and tribulations of a child growing up in that family because that was the only way you could learn, evolve, and grow into a better person.”  ~ Brian Tracy

The fastest way to overcome past negatives is to see them in a different light.  You get stuck interpreting your past through one specific lens.  However, there are often a number of different ways to make sense of what has happened to you.  You just need to look at it and process it differently.

A great example is your childhood (however, this same technique can be applied to any past relationship).  Most of us have some negative feelings about how we were raised.  After all, our parents were human, and therefore made mistakes.

Revise your interpretation of your childhood and you can have a happy past, one that lifts you up instead of holds you back.

The quote above really helped me see my childhood in a different light.  My parents divorced when I was about 13.  It devastated me.  However, as an adult, I can look back and see how that event also made me stronger, more reslient and exposed me to new people that had a positive impact on me.

I wouldn’t be the same person today if my parents didn’t divorce.  Ultimately, it helped me evolve into a better person.

It isn’t easy to admit because I’ve been stuck looking at it in the negative sense for so long.  It is so difficult to wrap my mind around this new perspective, but as I do, this new interpretation of the past is helping me in the present to be happier and more confident.

3.  Seek the Valuable Lesson

“Therefore, to teach you, to train you, and guide you toward your higher good, this great power sends you lessons, each accompanied by pain, so that you will listen and pay attention.”  ~ Brian Tracy

A powerful way to turn negatives into positives is to seek the valuable lesson in every problem or difficulty you encounter.  “Every problem or difficulty you face contains the seed of an equal or greater advantage or benefit,” according to Napoleon Hill.  Once you can identify the gift you are supposed to receive from a difficulty, you will have a more positive view of it.

I’ll admit this can be a tough one.  When you are in the middle of a difficult or painful situation, it is often very hard to see any kind of lesson or benefit.

However, later, after time has past and the raw emotion has faded, it is often possible to look back and learn from what has happened.  Knowing that you got some benefit from even the most difficult of situations, will take some of the sting out of it and help you to move on.

Several years ago, I was in business for myself.  The relationship with my largest client dissolved right before my eyes.  This was something I had invested a ton of time developing.  It was also what kept my business afloat.  Needless to say, I was crushed.  However, now I can look back and understand many valuable lessons from that experience.  I’ve grown as a result and what I learned has helped me achieve greater success.  The positives outweigh the negatives now that I see the valuable lessons.

Soar Like an Eagle by Letting Go of the Past

This is just a small slice of the wisdom that Brian and Christina share in Kiss That Frog!  I found this to be a very insightful and useful read.  I can certainly see how letting go of the past is so incredibly important if you want to live the best life possible.  As I said earlier, I think we all have work to do in this area, so I’d highly recommend this book.

Photo: Copyright PhotoXpress.com

I want to be able to get my relationships back on track when I do something that hurts a loved one’s feelings.  I have studied how to say I’m sorry a bit in order to get it right so, I thought I’d share a few thoughts about making an effective apology.

A simple, but effective apology

I believe a short and simple apology is often the most effective.  In fact, when we ramble on, we take the risk of offending the person further.  We could easily say something that additionally complicates the situation.  Here’s my recommendation:

<Person’s name>, I’m sorry that I <state very specifically what you are apologizing for>.  Will you forgive me? <stop talking>

Let me break down the parts of this apology a little to explain why it is effective.

1. Leading off with the person’s name -  This gets their attention.  Nothing attracts someone’s attention like hearing their name.  It also lets them know that this apology is specifically and especially for them.
2. I’m sorry that I – This is a short phrase that packs a lot of wallop.  Every word has a purpose.  Right after getting the person’s attention, you say I’m sorry to let them know from the beginning that you are apologizing.  This will help them feel safe enough to listen.  The next two words, that I, communicates that you are taking responsibility for your actions.  Very important!
3. State very specifically what you are sorry for – This is the meat, but it does not need to be lengthy.  In fact, I would encourage brevity.  If you want your apology to be accepted, then you must come 100% clean.  Do not beat around the bush or try to dodge any blame.  State as clearly as you can the exact and specific thing you said or did that upset the person.
4. Will you forgive me? – Ask for what you want.  In the case of an apology, we want forgiveness.  In most cases, if we admit our crime and seem genuinely sorry, then most reasonable people are going to forgive us at this point.  By asking, we simply help them get there.
5. Stop talking – This is very important.  There is really nothing more that needs to be said in an apology.  However, it seems that shutting up is one of the hardest things for us to do.  So let me emphasize that continuing to talk is like walking blindfolded along the edge of a treacherous cliff!  Don’t do it!

A few other pointers for making an effective apology

Here are a few other things that I would suggest when saying sorry:

1. Be sincere – Do not start an apology until you really mean it.  The person will detect your insincerity if you don’t come to them with a humble attitude.
2. Look them in the eye – Let them search your eyes and know that you are being genuine.  Look them straight in the eye as you say the suggested apology above.
3. Apologize in private – Pull the person aside and render your apology in private.  This reduces the pressure and distractions.  If a public apology is needed, then you can do this later.
4. Apologize in person – Go to the person to apologize whenever possible.  Don’t ask them to come to you.  Don’t apologize over the phone or via e-mail unless a face-to-face meeting is impossible.
5. Watch your body language – A lot of communication is non-verbal.  Be careful what you say with your body.  If you are truly sorry, then this will likely take care of itself.
6. Don’t delay – Apologize sooner rather than later!  If emotions are high, then wait until things have cooled off, but don’t wait too long.  You don’t want ill feelings to fester.

An effective apology will preserve a relationship

I am so thankful for apologies!  They have helped me to save many relationships over the years.  I have received a lot of forgiveness by simply offering an effective apology.  If you are reading this, then it is likely that you feel like you need to apologize to someone.  What are you waiting for?  Use these suggestions and you will be making up before you know it!

What tips would you suggest for making an effective apology?

Photo by Half Chinese

The contradictions in my thinking.

Living life to the fullest requires that we successfully navigate all the crazy situations that come our way.  Thinking through our convictions and constantly reevaluating where we stand given the new information we acquire as we go through life is important.  Here’s some of the issues I struggle to balance:

1.  Giving to charity versus my belief everyone should work.

I firmly believe in giving generously to those in need.  We have had a number of disasters in this country lately where those affected become dependent on others for all their needs.  I have been in this situation and the generosity I received during that time still makes me emotional.  I feel an obligation to pay forward the kindness I received during my time of need.  I definitely believe that real charity is an admirable quality.

However, I also think that every person with decent health should work to earn a living.   A few months ago, I wrote an article called How To Protect Your Money From Panhandlers.  In it, I expressed my frustration with able-bodied people begging for money.  I would help another human being that was truly in need at the drop of a hat, but I don’t want to get scammed.  At times, it isn’t easy to reconcile these two beliefs.

2.  Freedom of speech versus racy shows on television.

I love the freedoms we enjoy in America.  In fact, I often feel that we have lost too much freedom because people always want the government to do something to solve their personal plight.  Laws are then enacted that restrict our choices to “protect us”.  Our freedom of speech is important.  It is a necessary check and balance to guard against government becoming corrupt and dictatorial.

However, I am also concerned about the sex and violence that is shown on television.  I don’t think this stuff is good for anyone, but most especially I am convinced it is bad for our children.  They are just too impressionable to see the wicked murders, dead bodies, serial rapists, nudity, and promiscuous sex shown on many television shows.  I think parents are primarily responsible for policing what their children watch, but networks often show commercials for these inappropriate shows right in the middle of family programming.  I am not a prude, but I do believe we should exercise common sense about what children watch.  How do we handle this while preserving our freedom?

3.  Right to bear arms versus concern about violence.

I support each citizens’ right to own a gun in America.  This gives individuals the power to protect themselves and their property.  This country’s independence was partially won by minutemen from the colonial militia.  These men often armed themselves with their hunting rifles.  I am not a gun enthusiast, but I do believe Americans should have the right to own the weapon of their choice.

On the other hand, there are a number of violent tragedies that have occurred that concern me about the easy availability of guns.  For instance, the shootings at Columbine High School and Virginia Tech are both examples that bring rise to the idea that we need to more tightly control who can access guns.  Of course, I don’t know how you keep them out of the hands of those that would perpetrate such crimes without impeding on the rights of law-abiding citizens.  My feelings about guns are often contradictory and hard to resolve.

4.  The death penalty versus the sanctity of human life.

When people commit hideous crimes, they deserve severe punishment.  Punishment usually involves a loss of certain rights.  When the crime takes the life of one or more individuals and is particularly brutal, I think the criminal should lose their right to life.  They should be put to death.  They deserve to have their life taken from them just like they took the life of someone else.  At times, I think this is the only punishment that fits the crime.  Anything less wouldn’t be just to the families of the victims.

However, I don’t think the execution of murderers produces closure or a sense of vindication for families.  Plus, our justice system sometimes wrongly accuses people.  It is no doubt imperfect.  This creates a problem because while you can later let someone out of prison, you cannot bring them back to life when you realize you were wrong.  Therefore, even though this issue seems very black and white at times, it gets complicated in certain cases.  Does an eye-for-an-eye accomplish the desired result?

5.  The need for national defense versus the desire for peace.

I believe we have to aggressively defend our freedom and ideals.  For instance, I do not subscribe to the belief that if we leave terrorists alone that they will leave us alone.  What were we doing to them prior to 9/11?  Sometimes, you have to take the fight to the enemy.  You have to go on the offensive to effectively defend yourself.  I am not a warmonger, but I am a veteran and I firmly believe that a good national defense is a must.  I believe Reagan used it effectively to win the Cold War.  I will always support our military and the right the President has as Commander-in-Chief.

Of course, I desire peace over war.  My heart goes out to those families that have paid the ultimate sacrifice.  I can’t imagine losing one of my children to a war.  It would be devastating to say the least.  As we all know, the justification for war is not always 100% clear and accurate.  In addition, we may not all agree when the need to go to war has been met.  Furthermore, members of the military do not get to vote on whether they agree or not with the justification despite the fact that they have to lay their lives on the line.  For these reasons and others, I struggle with going to war.

The reason I am confessing my contradictions.

I confess these things to make this point.  We all need to live with a little more empathy and consideration for one another’s views.  Life is complicated.  We all have had different experiences and inputs that have developed our views of the world.  There often isn’t just one right way of seeing things.  Take a few minutes and try to see things from the other person’s perspective.  Put yourself in their shoes.  You might just learn something, broaden your view of the world, and make a friend in the process.

What contradictions do you struggle with?

Photos by The Wandering Angel and kcdsTM and soldiersmediacenter

“When you realize you’ve made a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to eat crow while it’s still warm.” ~Dan Heist

An effective apology can cure many bad situations in relationships.  Contrary to what some think, apologizing is not a sign of weakness, but rather a clear sign of strength and confidence.  It takes guts to put your ego aside and to humbly apologize for inappropriate actions or comments.  In addition, apologizing is often the smartest thing to do.  It clears the way for future progress in a relationship.  Saying, “I’m sorry”, is often one of the most effective ways of repairing a situation and returning it to a productive state.

Tips to increase the meaningfulness of your apologies.

You want to make every effort to be sure that your apology makes amends for the damage done.  There are a number of things to consider to enhance the effectiveness of your apologies.  Here are some of the best suggestions I have come across:

1.  Offer your apology in a timely manner.

We should offer an apology the moment we realize we have done something to upset someone else.  Of course, this isn’t always an easy thing to do.  It often takes a little distance before we realize our mistake.  However, being as timely as possible will help to minimize the impact of our offense.

2.  Be certain that you have control of your emotions.

Usually, when I owe someone an apology it is because my emotions got the better of me.  In the heat of the moment, I said or did something that I later regretted.  I damaged the relationship and hurt the other person’s feelings with my callousness. 

While you want an apology to be timely, you also want to be sure that you have complete control of your emotions before proceeding.  You absolutely, positively do not want to let your emotions flare up again when you are apologizing.  This can be disastrous, so make sure you are cooled down.

3.  Don’t offer an apology until you really feel sorry.

You have to be sincere if you want your apology to mean something.  You cannot fake true sincerity.  Reflect upon your words or actions and decide exactly what your mistakes were before apologizing.  Attempt an apology only after you truly feel sorry for what  you did.  This will ensure that your body language and other nonverbal cues are in harmony with your verbal message.

4.  Whenever possible, make your apology in-person.

A face-to-face apology carries the most weight.  This way the other person can better judge your sincerity.  When they see that you are truly sorry, they will be more likely to forgive you. 

If you absolutely cannot apologize in person, then the next best method is to make a phone call.  As a last resort, put your apology in writing, but back this up as soon as possible in-person or over the phone.

5.  Fully Admit your guilt.

An effective and meaningful apology includes a full admission of guilt.  You have to acknowledge your exact offense.  If you are truly sorry, then this shouldn’t be that difficult.  Of course, it does require that we swallow our pride and confess our mistake.  Accepting full responsibility for our actions is the first step in setting things right.

6.  Tell your story of what happened.

You can explain your behavior by simply telling your story.  Be completely truthful even if the details aren’t flattering.  The more honest and vulnerable you are, the more meaningful your apology will be to the other person.  Your story will also help them to see things from your point of view.  This can help to trigger their empathy.

7.  Say I’m sorry and ask for forgiveness.

Express how sorry you are for the offense and describe your understanding of how this was wrong.  Be as specific as possible about what you are sorry about.  True remorse for bad actions is usually a prerequisite for quick and complete forgiveness.

8.  Offer to take action to repair the damage.

If physical damage occurred, then take responsibility and fix whatever is broken at your cost.  Make it better than it was before.  When you are apologizing for hurting another’s feelings, then your goal is to restore their dignity.  Ask them what would help.  Listen carefully to their response and act decisively.

9.  Approach the whole situation with complete humility.

You have to go to the person you wronged completely humble.  Your apology may fail or even backfire if you go expecting them to reciprocate or admit any guilt themselves.  You are taking the first step in repairing the relationship.  If this is important enough to you, then you should have already forgiven the person completely before offering your apology.

10.  Do not expect them to reciprocate.

Apologizing with the expectation of getting an apology in return is a recipe for disaster.  Don’t do it!  If you do this right, then you may lower the other person’s defenses enough that they will apologize, but you have to be prepared to let it go if they don’t.  The health of the relationship is more important than anything they could say.

11.  Don’t apologize too often.

Some people are in the habit of apologizing even when they didn’t really do anything wrong.  This dilutes the meaningfulness of apologies.  If you are in this habit, then stop it!  Some conversations are difficult by nature, but you need not apologize for this.

Never underestimate the power of a good apology

“It takes a great deal of character strength to apologize quickly out of one’s heart rather than out of pity. A person must possess himself and have a deep sense of security in fundamental principles and values in order to genuinely apologize.” ~Stephen Covey

A good apology will go a long way toward fixing a grave mistake in a relationship.  You should never underestimate the impact.  These suggestions should go along way toward making your apology effective, but even if you don’t get your apology exactly right, most reasonable people will forgive you.  They will give you a lot of credit for having the guts to try to make things right again.  Why wait?  Go apologize!

What suggestions do you have for effective apologies?

Photo by SouthbankSteve

I struggle with managing my stress.  I have for years and I have experienced most of the signs of stress at one time or another.  As a result, I have sought out numerous ways to dissipate my stress and thereby improve my effectiveness.  I thought I’d share a few of those with you today.  Here are 10 things that I do to beat stress:

1. Exercise regularly.  The many benefits of cardiovascular exercise are well documented and I’m sure you’re as familiar with them as am I, but honestly I don’t know if I would stick with it and exercise regularly if it weren’t for the way it relieves my stress.  For me, there is nothing more effective at dissipating tension than about a 30 minute cardio workout.  I prefer the exercise bike because I like to read while I ride.  This way I can exercise my mind and body at the same time.
2. Get plenty of sleep.  If I’m tired, then it compounds the stress I accumulate throughout the day.  I strive to get eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.  Of course, it doesn’t always work out for me, but the benefits of a good night’s sleep are worth it.
3. Give up or lessen caffeine intake.  I know this is radical, but please do not stop reading.  Caffeine is, of course, a stimulant.  I find that the more caffeine I ingest, the more stimulated I become which leads to more stress.  I seem particularly sensitive to the effects of caffeine and how it can contribute to stress so I try to stay away from it as much as possible.  There are other ways to get yourself going rather than using caffeine.
4. Forgive quickly.  When we hold a grudge or continue a dispute, it builds stress in our lives.  If we forgive and forget the perceived offenses, then we will lower our stress and live happier, healthier lives.  I know it can be hard to forgive some things.  However, when we hold on to our grudges, we do more damage to ourselves than to the other person.
5. Eliminate debt.  Money is a source of stress for many of us.  Of course, it is the poor way we manage our money that really creates the stress.  I have found that by living a debt-free life, I have eliminated a major source of stress.
6. Get outdoors.  I find that spending time in nature camping, backpacking, and hiking are great ways to eliminate stress.  I enjoy the beauty of nature.  It gets my mind  off of the things that stress me out.  I also find the sun, wind, and sounds of nature soothing.
7. Spend time alone.  For me, solitude is an essential element of a healthy lifestyle.  I need time alone to think and clear my head.  When I’m alone for an hour or two, I feel refreshed and rejuvenated.
8. Meditate.  Meditation means a lot of different things to different people.  I am merely suggesting that you spend time focusing your thoughts on positive things.  You can pray, use positive affirmations, or just think about positive things you have read.  By intentionally directing my thoughts, I can lower my stress.
9. Avoid Worrying.  Worry is definitely a source of stress.  This one isn’t a really big one for me, but if you tend to worry about things then it can significantly impact your stress level.
10. Take a break.  When was the last time you took a day off to relax?  The whole concept of vacation and recreation were conceived of for a reason.  We have to give our minds and bodies a break occasionally.  When we do, we are able to let go of the stress and return with a fresh outlook on life.  I try to take short breaks like three-day weekends from time-to-time.  I also try to take off at least two full weeks during the year.  This gives me time to relieve stress and avoid burnout.

What do you do to manage your stress?  It doesn’t take a lot of time or effort, but taking proactive steps to beat stress pays off in increased effectiveness and clearer thinking.  Leave me a comment with your ideas and suggestions.  I am always looking for new ideas on this subject.