This is a guest post by Shilpan Patel.  Be sure to read Shilpan’s other fine articles on

“Fortune befriends the bold.”
~ John Dryden (1631-1700) British poet, dramatist and critic.

When was the last time someone approached you with an idea that you disguised in your mind?  Do you remember succumbing to this idea just for the lack of courage to say the two letter word, “No”?  It may have been your best friend asking to go see a movie that inspired you least but the scary thought of him scribbling your name from his list of friends forced you to surrender.  You’re not alone.  Most of us have been through the enigma of enduring mental strain just to please others.

Everyone including you, me and the likes of Tony Robins face this inevitable circumstance to have intense, deep inner desire to scream a word “No” yet when the moment arrives, we struggle and surrender meekly to the army of one.

If you dwell upon this behavior, if you create awareness and develop deftness to face the dreaded inevitable moment, you can win the battle without pulling a sword from your armory.  It may take a bit of adroitness to reject an idea without permeating the brain of the demanding person, but it can be done.

Why do we fear the word “No”?

There is multitude of reasons why we fear this two-lettered word.  We are creatures of an environment called social conditioning.  Over the years, we learn and stereotype habits from our elders, siblings and friends.  These habits form a belief system between our two ears.  This belief system drives our thoughts to do things that our inner voice opposes yet we listen to this devil for the powerful force of social conditioning.  Even if we don’t like playing tennis, we do act to play and enjoy tennis just because our mind chatters, “Well, If I say no, I’m going to be considered inept and a buffoon. I want to be a likable person.” — As a result, you spend hours on a tennis court exerting mental agony while showing a smile on your face to others.

I’ve found two main reasons for this behavior.  Good news is that — It can be changed as easily as a thermostat in your home.  Once you know these mind patterns and develop awareness to squash them, you are invincible.

1. Moderate self-esteem ~

We all strive for thumbs up from the rest of the world yet we harbor this fake reality in our mind that we are not good enough.  We look at the celebrities and try to compare ourselves with them.  We look at a friend with a nice car or a beautiful wife and downgrade our own worth with the comparison that only exists in our mind.  Over time, this mental conditioning weakens our desire to value ourselves high enough to reject the demands that we don’t feel comfortable about.

2. Desire to please others ~

As we grow, our desire to be likable and popular increasingly takes our thoughts.  We believe that as the reality.  We create a web of relationships and to keep feeding this ever-growing monster, we do insane things just to please the Joneses.  We purchase cars, we purchase homes and other luxuries that we can’t afford only to appear successful to this ever-growing web of relationships.  This desire to look successful takes a toll on our inner happiness.  It foments our thoughts of surrender for the social appeasement of others.

How to overcome the fear of saying “No”?

By now you and I agree that this short word – no can do wonders in our life if we learn the skill to overcome the fear of rejection and low self-esteem that we create in our mind.

1. Keep a journal of thoughts ~

Anytime you feel like screaming “No” inside yet succumb to the demand posed, write all of the thoughts that pop-up in your mind.  Our natural instinct is to kill them akin to our desire to kill those pop-ups on our computer screen.  Instead, develop awareness about these thoughts and their underlying tone.  By writing them down, you’ll be able to identify the source of your meek behavior.  This will be your first step towards learning the art of saying “No”.

2. Put the ball back into the other court ~

Well, you’ve agreed to play tennis despite the fact that you hated playing tennis.  You can hardly hit the ball with a straight racket much less hit it back to the other side.  Use your weakness as a weapon of attack.  You may want to say to the friend, “I love playing tennis with you but with your skill, you don’t want to waste your time playing with someone who is still learning the rules of the game, do you?”

Or if your boss demanded that you put everything aside and start working on this hot project, you may want to say — “Steve, that’s a great idea but we don’t want to offend one of our best customers, do we?  I’ll have to delay the other project by a week and I’m not sure that will bode well but I know that you looked at all the facts and you might have considered that already.  So, I’ll start working on it tomorrow.”

The boldness lies in our ability to say “No” with finesse and the propriety to overcome this difficult skill.  The benefits it provides are infinite for the rest of our life journey.

“Boldness, without the rules of propriety, becomes insubordination.”
~ Confucius (BC 551-BC 479) Chinese philosopher.

How do you find the strength to say, “No”?  Leave a comment and let me know.

Photo by Scott89

I have never fallen from any height so I’m not sure where my fear of heights came from, but it definitely exists.  I know it is illogical.  I can even tell myself in the moment that it is irrational.  This helps a little, but it is hard to control the thoughts and mental images that feed the fear.  It starts to takeover in my mind even when I know logically that there is nothing to fear.  We all have things that frighten us.  Emotions are powerful and when used wisely they can accelerate us toward success, but fear can also paralyze us.

What fear is holding you back?

Fear stops us in our tracks.  When it is irrational, it holds us back from living life to the fullest.  It can impact us in any area of our life.  We can use it as an excuse.  I have been guilty of letting fear hold me back so many times.  A fear of heights is one thing, but there are other fears that are even more limiting.  Here are a few fears that have kept me from experiencing the best life has to offer:

1. Fear of rejection – This is a biggie for me.  I hate being rejected!  I’ll very often avoid the situation before I’ll risk rejection.  I remember a few girls in high school that I wanted to ask out, but never took any action because I thought I’d be rejected.  Of course, by not asking, my probability of success was nil.  This same fear has held me back in my adult life as well.  I have missed opportunities because I was afraid to ask.
2. Fear of failure – This one can make us scale back our dreams so we can avoid the risk of failing.  This is really dangerous!  It has a high price in terms of living life to the fullest.  I’m guilty of this one too.  I succumb to it and then wonder why I don’t achieve  big things.  How silly, but true.
3. Fear of confrontation – What if I express an idea or take an action that others don’t agree with?  They might confront me.  They might criticize me.  It could hurt.  It could be discouraging.  Why should I expose myself to that.  I might not be strong enough to weather their challenge.  They might see through me or expose me as a fraud.  Of course, you can see that I am familiar with this fear as well!

What fear is holding you back?  Is it one of these or something else?  Do you want more out of life?  Are you getting what you want?  If you frequently feel you are not, then you are probably being held back by one of these fears.  You may not even be consciously aware of it.  You may have never even considered that it is fear holding you back.

Recognize and acknowledge your fears.

The first step in overcoming fear is to be honest with yourself about it.  If you cannot admit your fear, then there is no way to deal with it.  Recognizing fear isn’t usually that hard, but admitting it even to ourselves can be difficult.  Our egos won’t let us admit that we are the source of our own limitations.  Additionally, if we confess that the limit is within us, then there is no one else to blame for our lack of achieving what we truly desire.  By continuing to deny our fear, we are free to blame our boss, our spouse, our circumstances, our parents, our company, or anything else outside ourselves.  So, I’ll ask again, what fear is holding you back?

How to overcome fear.

In my experience, there is only one way to overcome fear.  You have to confront it head-on.  You have to take action and press through the fear.  Unfortunately, this is the only way to defeat fear and rise above it.

Courage is not the lack of fear. It is acting in spite of it.

~Mark Twain

I so wish that it was easy and painless to overcome fear!  I wish that there was some magical secret to courage that I could give you.  I wish I could tell you a simple formula sure to cure.  Unfortunately, I don’t think one exists.  I do not know of an antidote to fear, except working through it.  You have to face it and press through to the other side.  As Mark Twain states so simply and elegantly above, you just have to take action regardless of how afraid it makes you.  Otherwise, you will live with the consequences forever.

Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.

~Dale Carnegie

The longer we continue to wallow in our self-pity and fear, the more it imprisons us.  I have tried to overcome fear by reading books, meditating, and even self-hypnosis.  What a crock!  I was looking for that epiphany that would cure me.  It never came.  As I look back, I realize that my fears persisted until I faced them and worked through them.   Trust me, there is no other cure!

I believe that anyone can conquer fear by doing the things he fears to do, provided he keeps doing them until he gets a record of successful experience behind him.

~Eleanor Roosevelt

Mrs. Roosevelt has it right.  The only way to overcome fear is by taking action and exposing it as a fraud.  It takes time and it is scary.  Sometimes it is so scary that it is almost impossible to move in that direction.  In this case, you just have to take baby steps.  Move slowly, but move.  Keep moving toward your fear and gradually, you will build a record of success and before you know it, the fear will be so small that you will barely notice it anymore.

Action cures fear for me.

Over the years, I have pushed myself and consciously chose activities that expose me to uncomfortable heights.  I have climbed ladders, rappelled, and rode zip lines.  The more I do these things, the less frightened I become.  My fear has gradually subsided.  I have faced and conquered this fear.  I still hear it in the back of my mind from time-to-time, but it has much less control over me than it used to. 

This same thing works for other fears as well.  When I start getting nervous at work about calling someone to ask for something, I force myself to immediately pick up the phone and start dialing.  If I procrastinate, the fear grows and becomes a monster of my imagination that is hard to kill.  However, by taking immediate and decisive action, I squelch the fear before it has a chance to get a hold of me.  This same approach has worked for me in any number of situations.  Give it a try the next time you start feeling nervous or anxious about a particular action.  Act immediately.  I think you will find it works.

Don’t let fear hold you back any longer.  Acknowledge what you are afraid of, immediately proceed by taking action in the direction of your fear, and the fear will shrink.  In certain extreme cases, it may not go away completely, but you will become its master instead of its slave.  This is enough to help you have a full and successful life.

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Photo by Wolfcreeker