Do you appreciate the good things about marriage?

It seems that in some circles today that marriage gets a bad rap.  Well, I’m here to tell you that there are a lot of good things about marriage.  I should know.  I’ve been happily married for almost 20 years.

I think it is easy to underappreciate the alliance formed when a man and a woman pledge their love for one another in holy matrimony.

Maybe we need a reminder of just how valuable and attractive marriage can be.

Here are 10 good things about marriage that might get easily overlooked:

1.  Someone to Come Home to Every Night

Like a lot of introverts, I like my alone time.  However, there is nothing better in this world than knowing that you have someone to come home to every night.  When you are married, you know that no matter what happened in your day that you have a loving spouse at home looking forward to the moment you walk in the door.  This is priceless.

2.  Someone to Build a Life With

What is the point of building a life if you don’t have a spouse on the inside to share it with?  For me, this is what makes it all worthwhile.  I can endure a lot as long as I know there is a purpose behind it.  My wife and the family we’ve created together are that purpose.  They give everything I do a sense of meaning and value.  This is a huge bonus that comes with being married.

3.  Someone to Always Be Your Best Friend

People come and go, but your spouse is always there.  My wife is definitely my best friend.  For over twenty years, we’ve done pretty much everything together.  Sure, we fight sometimes, but we always work it out and move on.  That’s what friendship and marriage is all about.  We’ve got each other’s backs.  We love the same things.  We support each other through thick and thin.  It’s nice being married to my best friend.

4.  Someone to Catch You When You Fall

Sooner or later, life is going to deal you something that you can’t handle on your own.  When this happens, it is sure comforting to know that your spouse will be there for you.  My wife was there for me when we lost our home in a tornado and when my employer unexpectedly shutdown the company.  Having another pair of shoulders to help bear these burdens was definitely a big benefit.

5.  Someone to Tell You the Truth

The truth is sometimes hard to hear.  However, there are some things, even unpleasant things, that we need to know.  Often a spouse is the only person with a big enough vested interest to tell us the unvarnished truth.  Come on, you know you’ve avoided telling a friend some hard-to-deliver info even though they needed to hear it.  This is where your spouse won’t let you down.

6.  Someone to Hug You When You Have a Bad Day

There is nothing else in the world that makes me feel better when I’ve had a bad day than getting a big hug from my wife.  Words just can’t console you like a set of loving arms can.  In addition to just being there, my wife truly cares and empathizes which is what makes her hugs really help.  Knowing another person cares deeply that you’re hurting is the best medicine around.

7.  Someone to Make You a Better Person

All too often, we like to hide in our comfort zones.  Having a spouse is like having a built-in solution to this problem.  My wife is always encouraging me to try new things and to explore new places.  She keeps me from getting too comfortable which keeps me from stagnating.  You need someone continually challenging you to improve and grow.

8.  Someone to Know Everything About You

You need someone that knows everything about you and still loves you anyway.  Spouses, over time, generally learn the good, the bad and the downright ugly about their mates.  I find it comforting to know that I’m still loved despite what all my wife knows about me.  You need at least one person that knows the real, authentic you.  The intimacy of marriage gives you this deep partnership automatically.

9.  Someone that Shares Your Point of View

Sometimes you need a sympathetic ear.  You want someone that can see things the same as you do.  Because a spouse knows your history and is involved on a daily basis in all your trials and triumphs, they are in a perfect position to be your closest ally.  They’ll stand next to you and see things in the same light.  It is nice to know you’ve always got a die-hard companion when you need one.

10.  Someone to Love You Just the Way You Are

A good spouse will tell you the hard truth about yourself and they’ll push you to grow, but in the end they’ll love you just as you are.  Acceptance is something we all want and need.  It is also difficult to find.  The world can be cold and unfeeling.  That’s why marriage is such a great thing.  It gives you that one other person whose love you can depend on.

What did I miss?  What are some more good things about marriage?  Leave a comment below and chime in.

Photo: Copyright PhotoXpress.com

Marriage is never going to be without trouble.  No matter how compatible you are, tension is going to rise eventually.

You need to expect it and prepare yourself to deal with it.  Learning how to effectively handle conflict in your marriage is probably one of the key factors in determining whether or not it will last.

Couples that can handle stress and arguments avoid building up the negative thought patterns toward their spouse that often lead to break-ups.

Expert Advice on How To Make Your Marriage Last

A lasting marriage is one that is resilient.  It can stand the heat.  Even if you think you’ve found the most loving, gentle and patient person on the face of the planet, chances are at one time or another you are going to experience some friction.  The things below can literally save your marriage if you put them into practice, but don’t just take my word for it, find out what the experts are saying.

Here are five things that marriage experts say can make your marriage last forever:

1.  Abide by Marital Rules of Engagement

In a conflict, the military has specific rules of engagement to follow.  These rules define exactly how they are authorized to respond to a particular threat or encounter.  Every soldier has to abide by the rules of engagement.  One of the purposes for strict rules of engagement is to keep the fight from escalating and erupting into a huge ordeal.  This same principle can be applied to marriage.

As is pointed out in Argue Fairly With Your Spouse: The Rules of Engagement, arguments in marriage are difficult to avoid.  However, it is possible to keep a disagreement from exploding into World War III by agreeing to fight fairly.  Following the marital rules of engagement can certainly protect your relationship from lasting resentment that over time can ruin a marriage.

2.  Learn to Accept Constructive Criticism

Your marriage is likely your closest relationship.  Therefore, your spouse probably knows you better than anyone else.  They also spend a lot of time with you.  It only stands to reason that they are going to see things about you that you need to change.  If you want your marriage to last, then as pointed out at Project Happily Ever After you have to learn How to Take Criticism.

Probably the best thing you can do and the hardest is to simply listen.  Listen without getting defensive.  Listen without planning your response.  Listen with all your might.  Your spouse may be telling you something that is vitally important to your relationship and your well-being.  If you miss it, then you are doing your relationship and yourself an injustice.

3.  Understand that We All Married the Wrong Person

Love during courtship and dating tends to blind us to our partners’ faults.  Television and movies plant the idea in our heads that marriage is supposed to be passionate and carefree all day, every day.  These things are destructive to marriage.  You’ve got to learn to take the good with the bad.  There is no one perfect person for you that never will never irritate you or get on your nerves.

As Lori points out in We All Married the Wrong Person, you didn’t have all the information about your spouse when you got married.  Therefore, you are going to discover some positive and some negative things after you get married.  This is a fact for all of us.  Accepting your spouse for who they are and learning to adapt is paramount to making your marriage last.

4.  Check Your Level of Commitment

When you said, “Until death do us part”, did you really mean it?  Short of things like physical and emotional abuse, you need to perform a gut check and verify that you are in this to the end.  As David puts it, Marriage Is the Willingness to Be Miserable.  It sounds pretty negative, but what he is saying is that life has many highs and lows.  Are you willing to stick with your spouse even during long spells when life is completely miserable?

Life throws a lot of curve balls at you.  Your spouse is going to go through some hard times.  They are going to struggle physically, mentally, emotionally, financially and probably in numerous other ways over the course of a lifetime.  Do you have what it takes to stick it out?  Can you be there in the tough times as a supportive and encouraging partner?  I’d recommend checking your level of commitment before you say, “I do” if you want your marriage to last.

5.  Acknowledge You Are Different

Different is good.  It gives you depth.  If you and your spouse are too much alike, then you won’t have the wherewithal needed to handle all that will come your way in life.  However, differences can also lead to problems especially on those hard days.  Shannon explores this brilliantly in Marriage Under Stress: Do you and your spouse cope differently in times of stress?

As Shannon was reminded, men and women often have a very different approach to tough times.  Understanding and accepting this will save you from a lot of heartache and misunderstanding.  Neither response is necessarily wrong and both are often needed, but knowing how to handle the differences when feelings are raw is critical to getting along for the long haul.

Photo by p0psicle

At one time, you were likely madly in love with your spouse.  You probably couldn’t get enough of each other.  Wasn’t that a wonderful feeling?  Wouldn’t you like to reclaim the passion and excitement you felt back then?

Marriage is not easy.  However, a fulfilling, lifelong relationship is a vital part of living life to the fullest.  We need each other to experience all that life has to offer.

If your marriage is not what it used to be or not what you expected, then please don’t just stand by and watch it wither on the vine.  That would be an incredible tragedy.  Marriages survive and thrive because the individuals involved value the relationship enough to invest in it.

The Reasons You Need to Revive Your Marriage

There is no substitute for the comfort supplied by the utterly taken-for granted relationship.  ~Iris Murdoch

We really do take for granted the comfort and value our marriages are in our lives.  Let me take a few moments to remind you of a few of the reasons that you need to revive your marriage.

1.  You Love Each Other

Whether your relationship is just a little stale or if you are on the brink of divorce, deep down inside you still love each other.  Several years after a divorce, I’ve heard one spouse or the other say that I’ll always have a place for him/her in my heart.  Love is too hard to find to let it grow cold.  You shouldn’t put yourself through this.  A vibrant relationship is too important to each person’s well-being to let it fade.

2.  Your Children Need You Both

Children are much more perceptive than we often give them credit for being.  They are also more sensitive than we think.  If there is strife in your marriage, then your kids feel it and it bothers them.  If you won’t do it for yourself or your spouse, then at least make an attempt to revive your marriage for your children.  They deserve it from you.

3.  You Are a Team

Let’s face it.  Life is harder for single people.  They have no one to lean on.  Again, we get a lot of comfort and support from our spouses.  More than we will generally acknowledge.  Dividing up the load life puts upon us and having someone to come home to at night makes life more comfortable.  You need each other and if you think back to better times, you’ll probably agree that you make a pretty good team.

4.  You Want a Great Life

Studies have shown that there are big benefits in marriage.  As a married person, you will generally experience better health, more happiness and increased material well-being.  Some studies have even shown that you will live longer.  Of course, if you are going to be together, then you might as well make the best of it by keeping the flame burning brightly.

5.  Divorce Is Messy and Painful

Divorce is something that you don’t want to experience.  You may not feel that is the direction you are headed, but you wouldn’t be the first person surprised when their spouse announces they’ve fell out of love.  It just isn’t worth the risk.  A good marriage takes effort.  It needs your undivided attention.

An Opportunity to Revive Your Marriage in 16 Weeks

Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.  ~Barnett R. Brickner

Don’t you believe that your marriage is worth reviving?  If so, then be the right mate and demonstrate it in a very concrete manner by enrolling in the Blow Up My Marriage class offered by Dr. Corey Allan, Ph.D.

Dr. Allan has a doctorate degree in Family Therapy.  He is also a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a Licensed Professional Counselor.  On top of this, he has been in private practice working with couples for 9 years.  Through all of this he has learned and wants to teach you some key lessons that can totally transform your marriage into the relationship you most desire.

Dr. Allan has a real heart for helping people revive their marriages and that’s why I’m suggesting his class.  He has put together something really innovative.  He conducts his marriage class online.

Advantages of Blow Up My Marriage Approach

There are a number of benefits to this 16 week online approach.  Here are just a few of the main advantages:

• It is available to anyone, anywhere.
• It is very discrete.
• It is extremely affordable.
• It is convenient enough to fit anyone’s schedule.

How this Class Will Transform Your Marriage from Good to Great!

Here is what Dr. Allan says that you will learn in the class:

• How to create the best marriage from your strengths, not by looking at what’s wrong.
• How to see that it’s the relationship that’s the issue, not you or your spouse.
• Why you never want to lean on your spouse.
• How to create a great life and have your marriage be the icing on the cake.
• And, how to transform your sex life.

I absolutely love the positive and practical approach that Dr. Allan has applied to this class.  He has obviously created something very powerful.  You can read the testimonials from past class participants on Dr. Allan’s site.

How to Sign Up and What It Will Cost to Revive Your Marriage

You can sign up for the Blow Up My Marriage Class by clicking the link below:

Class begins Monday, August 30, 2010: Click Here to Enroll

Enrollment closes a week after the class begins and is limited to the first 60 sign-ups.  You can participate in the class alone or with your spouse for the same price.

The class costs $275 per individual or couple.  This is an incredible bargain!

Let me put this into perspective for you.  The cost for this class that can revive your marriage is:

• The equivalent of about two sessions with an equally qualified marriage counselor.
• Less than the average monthly car payment in the United States.
• Thousands less than getting a divorce.
• Only $2.45 per day for the 16-week course which is less than the cost of a daily Starbucks latte.

The cost of the class is not inconsequential, but I can’t think of any other way to make such a big difference in the most important relationship in your life.  Can you?

Please don’t procrastinate on this.  Dr. Allan says the class will fill up and you don’t want to miss this incredible opportunity.  Go revive your marriage!

If you click on the link above and sign up for Dr. Allan’s class, then a portion of the proceeds will go towards supporting this site.  Thank you!

Photo by masochismtango

I want to steer you towards a terrific relationship resource that will give you quick, but powerful ideas to make the most important relationship in your life even better.  It is the free 27-chapter collaborative e-book written to help you learn how to make your marriage extraordinary amongst the chaos of life.

Several of the authors are participating in the Love Every Day e-book tour.  Over the next several weeks, we are posting our articles to give you a glimpse of just how valuable of a resource is available for you to download.  For example, Brad at Enemy of Debt kicked off the tour last week with his article called Cleaning Up After a Mess (Apology and Forgiveness) which is an absolute must read!

I am posting my article this week.  After reading this post, be sure to download a complete copy of LOVE EVERY DAY absolutely free!

Behind the Wheel: What’s Steering Your Relationship?

Do you want a great relationship that will last?

Relationships need a well-defined purpose behind the wheel to steer them toward the desired goal. Both partners need to see and agree on this vision for the relationship to survive and thrive.

How Many Relationships Wind Up Lost

Imagine this, you set out on a vacation with your spouse. You decide to drive continuously to get to your goal as soon as possible. You take turns behind the wheel so one of you steers while the other naps. You do not agree on or even discuss the intended destination. However, you both have your own ideas about how you should spend your time. You don’t discuss it because you both think the other already knows where you want to go. On your driving shift, you steer toward your desired destination and on their shift your spouse steers toward where they want to go. How’s this going to work out?

This is exactly the way many of us handle our relationships. We never agree on or even discuss a common purpose to work toward. We assume our spouse has the same goals in mind as we do. Bad idea! Often by the time you realize you both want different things, it is too late. The relationship is lost, or at the very least, severely off track!

Define a Clear Purpose to Steer Your Relationship

Marriages and relationships that stand the test of time have a common goal that both partners agree to and work toward. This purpose is clear and well-defined. It is never assumed or presupposed. This ensures that both partners get what they want and expect.

Here are some steps to help you define a common purpose:

1. Clarify Your Values

Identify the things that are most important to both of you. What do you value the most? Is it faithfulness, kindness, availability, peace, good humor? Clarify what means the most to you individually and together. These serve as the defined boundaries for your relationship.

2. Set Some Goals

Establish some common goals to work toward. Knowing where you are headed reduces the likelihood of getting lost. What do you want or need to accomplish in your relationship? Do you need to work on becoming debt free? Do you want to spend more time together? Set some goals that will serve as your common destination.

3. Look for a Higher Purpose

Seek a purpose for your relationship that is bigger than your individual desires. Find something that inspires you both to greater heights and moves you beyond any selfish desires. It could be faith in God or raising great children or saving the environment. It just needs to be something you are both passionate about. This higher purpose will give you longevity so your relationship will stand the test of time!

NEXT MONDAY (4/19/2010): You can read The Snooze Button by Carrie Burgan at Make Mine Happen.  This is the next stop on our LOVE EVERY DAY e-book tour.

Photo by masochismtango

The unexpected loss of income can be very difficult to handle.  In addition, getting fired will have some negative emotional consequences. 

If the person losing their job is your spouse, then you’d better be ready to help or things could go downhill quickly!

How to support your spouse after they have lost their job

No matter the circumstances, losing a job can be very upsetting.  It can cause feelings of insecurity and bitterness.  Of course, neither of these is helpful in regaining employment.

If you husband or wife has lost their job, then it is critical that you immediately become very supportive.  Here are some suggestions:

1.  Reassure your spouse that they are valuable and smart

A layoff can make a person start questioning, “Why me?”  It can undermine their confidence and stir up all kinds of insecurities.  Be sure to spend ample time reassuring your spouse that they have a lot to offer.  Point out contributions they made at their former employer and remind them of their strongest talents.

2.  Help your spouse to look to future instead of dwelling on the past

Most people get angry when they get laid off.  This is natural.  It is okay to be upset for a couple of days, but it is important to move on.  Help your spouse by focusing their thoughts on the future instead of continually dredging up the past.  There is very little to gain in rehashing the layoff over and over again.  Suggest that maybe the layoff happened for a reason and that something better is just around the corner.

3.  Support their ideas and encourage them to explore opportunities

A layoff can be viewed as an opportunity to realign one’s career with what they really want to do.  It can be a time to seek significance and meaning or to rekindle an old dream.  Be supportive.  Some of the ideas that come from your spouse may seem a little far fetched, but give them some room to be creative.  If they have a responsible track record, they will likely come to the right conclusion anyway and they might stumble onto something very profitable along the way!

How to adjust your finances to live on one income

Losing a job also means the loss of a source of income.  It is imperative that you take immediate action to mitigate the financial damage that this can cause and to give your spouse time to replace the revenue.

Here are some things to consider doing:

1.  Re-evaluate your monthly budget

You have a written budget right?  If not, then get started budgeting your money now!  Re-evaluate the necessity of all your expenses.  Cut out all non-essential items immediately!  This may seem extreme, but I believe that swift action early will accomplish two things.  It will maximize the amount of time that you can live on one income which in turn will take some pressure off your spouse.

2.  Come up with an estimate of how long you can survive financially

Once you’ve adjusted your budget, figure out how long you can last financially on just one income.  When will your emergency fund run out?  How long can you last before you’ll start getting behind on your bills?  Hopefully, you have enough saved to last at least 3 to 6 months.  If not, then you and your spouse may need to consider part-time jobs to generate more income.  This step is a necessary reality check!

3.  Look for ways to temporarily increase income

Besides part-time employment, there are other ways to temporarily increase your take-home pay.  You can adjust your payroll tax withholdings.  You can also adjust or stop retirement contributions to your 401k or IRA on a temporary basis.  Talk to your HR or payroll people at work and explain your situation.  They might be able to think of other ways to help increase your take-home pay.

4.  Sell possessions to generate income and reduce expenses

Take an inventory of the items you own.  Now might be a good time to sell things of value that you don’t use or that cost you money for storage and upkeep.  I have sold boats, computers and a hot tub via craigslist or local classified ads.  Your spouse should have the time to help with this project and you might be surprised at how good it feels to get rid of some stuff.

5.  Consider down-sizing your lifestyle permanently

Face it.  Your income may never be what it was before the layoff.  Your spouse might decide to pursue more satisfying, but lower paying employment or they might decide to stay at home with the kids.  You may need to make permanent adjustments to your lifestyle to cope.  You might decide to sell your house, get rid of one of your cars and start being frugal.  It sounds crazy, but it might be the best move you’ve ever made!

Losing a job is not the end of the world if you take action

The key to surviving your spouse losing their job is to take decisive action quickly.  You need to provide emotional support and organize your finances quickly.  If you do these things, then you’ll be well on your way to weathering this storm!

What other suggestions would you offer?

Photo by Kai Hendry