Are you unknowingly sabotaging your goals with self-defeating thoughts?

Words are very powerful.  In our politically correct world, we are usually very careful about what we say to others.  However, we may not be as selective with our inner dialogue.

The words we use to talk to ourselves can have a powerful effect on our attitude and motivation toward the things we want to accomplish.

Understanding this connection and consciously choosing the words we use will go a long way toward overcoming these self-defeating thoughts.

An Example of Self-Defeating Thoughts

Recently, I’ve been working on a sizeable writing project.  It was bigger than anything that I’ve done in the past and it was a little intimidating to me.  I had a deadline that I was working toward.  This added to my internal pressure to keep making progress.

When I feel overwhelmed by something, I tend to procrastinate on it.  I think this is a pretty common reaction.  Unfortunately, it is also self-defeating.  It was going to keep me from meeting my goal of finishing the writing project on the timeline I had established.

At first, I kept telling myself things like:

• I should be working on my project.
• I need to be getting that done.
• I have to get busy if I want to finish on-time.

Every time I had some free time available to work on it, I’d start telling myself these things.  This added to my anxiety and therefore made me avoid doing anything on it.  It was a vicious cycle.

The Cause of the Self-Defeating Behavior

I stopped and asked myself, “Why do I avoid working on this goal?”

I realized a big part of the problem was the words I was using.  Should, need and have are words that imply an obligation.  Essentially, I was trying to bully myself into writing.

I immediately changed my inner dialogue and things improved dramatically.  I started saying:

• I want to work on this project.
• I want to get this done.
• I want to get busy so I can finish on time.

It might seem like a small, subtle change, but it made a big difference.  The words I used when thinking about working on my project defined my attitude toward it.

When I felt forced to work on it, I refused, but when I appropriately told myself that I wanted to work on it, my lizard brain quieted down and I got busy.

Apply This to Overcome Your Self-Defeating Thoughts

My example is just one specific instance that demonstrates how uncontrolled thoughts can unwittingly work against you.  Your situation may be a little different, but you can likely apply the same strategy to overcome similar mental barriers.

You might want to eat better or lose weight or stop smoking or declutter your home or improve your job performance or get on a budget.  How you talk to yourself about these things can have a huge influence over how well you progress toward your goal.

We tend to avoid what stresses us or makes us feel inadequate or leaves us feeling confused.  During these times, we fallback on old habits.  We procrastinate on moving forward and instead start backsliding.  Again, this is self-defeating.

Ask yourself, “Is my own thinking undermining my efforts to achieve my goal?”  Examine the words you use in your head carefully to determine if you might be falling into the same trap I was.  If so, then try changing the language you use and see if it works for you.  You’ll likely find that it works wonders.

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Most regular people are likely to say ‘no’ or ‘only somewhat’ when asked to measure their success, but these are both wrong answers.

We are much more successful than we think.  We just don’t give ourselves the appropriate credit.

Failing to recognize our true level of success is very detrimental to our growth in life.  The more successful we believe ourselves to be, the more likely we are to experience future success.

Success creates positive thoughts and motivates us toward even greater heights.  Embracing our past successes can literally skyrocket us toward what we want in life.

The Reason We Need to Measure Our Success Accurately

Believing we are successful builds our self-esteem.  Self-esteem gives us the confidence to assertively take action to accomplish our goals.  This concerted effort is what will get us what we want.  Therefore, we need to count up our successes as accurately as possible.

Imagine for a moment that your self-esteem is like a stack of poker chips.  Then imagine that you and I are playing a game of poker and you have 10 chips and I have 200 chips.  Who do you think is going to play more conservatively in this game of poker?  Yes, you are.  If you lose two bets of 5 chips, you’re out of the game.  I can lose 5 chips 40 times before I’m out of the game, so I am going to take more risks because I can afford to take the losses.  Your level of self-esteem works the same way.  The more self-esteem you have, the more risks you are willing to take.
~ Jack Canfield, The Success Principles

You need to build your stack of poker chips by acknowledging your success.  Unfortunately, we generally have a much greater tendency to remember our failures.  Why is this?  Well, there is usually a lot more emotional significance placed on failures.

Here’s a simple example.  A child brings home a good report card.  We pat them on the back and go on with life.  What would happen if the same child brought home a bad report card?  We would talk intensely to the child about what went wrong.  We might even punish the child for not fully applying themselves.  Which circumstance is going to stick out in the child’s mind?  That’s right , the failure.

The same thing happens at work, in our relationships and in our finances.  Even though we have fewer failures than we do successes, we tend to remember the failures more vividly giving them greater significance in our minds.  This is exactly what we need to counteract by measuring our successes more accurately so we believe we are successful.

Growth in Life Comes When We Count Our Successes

Again, we need to consciously and clearly bring to mind where we have triumphed to give ourselves that boost of self-esteem and confidence needed to move to the next level.

Doing this is a very powerful way to elevate your thinking.  Accurately counting up your past successes is like pouring rocket fuel in your engine.  It will give you a tremendous boost toward your goals.

Here are a couple of techniques you can use to count up your successes:

1.  Create a List of 100 or More Successes

Get out a sheet of paper and start making a list of successes in your life.  Your goal is to get to 100.  In order to do this, you are going to need to dig deep.  We often set the bar too high for what we think of as a success.  You need to give yourself credit for all the things you’ve accomplished in your life. 

You may have to include things like getting your first job, learning to ride a bike, getting your baby to sleep through the night, catching a touchdown pass in high school, getting an article published, making an A in math, getting married, having children, surviving basic training and completing a drawing course.  These are all successes.  We just take them for granted.  We forget about them.  This exercise is designed to help you recall and acknowledge how much success you’ve already achieved.  Work on it until you get to 100!

2.  Keep a Victory Log

A great way to increase the emotional significance of your successes so they add to your stack of poker chips is to maintain a victory log.  In other words, keep an ongoing list of all your accomplishments.  You can do this on your computer or in a spiral notebook.  It doesn’t matter.  You just need to log your successes to make them more memorable.  You can include things like paid cash for a car, cleaned up my office and closed the deal we needed at work.  The point is to write it all down.

Reviewing this log of successes is a very powerful way to give yourself a boost of confidence when you need it.  Before you walk in to ask your boss for a raise, take out your victory log and recall all the success you have produced in the past.  This will bolster your confidence and soon you’ll have another victory to add to the list!

This Will Produce the Growth in Life You Want

You’ve been a lot more successful over the years than you’ve realized.  It is vitally important that you acknowledge all your past success so you can experience even greater levels of success in the future.  This is truly a confidence-boosting way to live.  It will also help you maintain a more positive attitude.  All of which will skyrocket you to greater heights in your life.  Success breeds success!

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You have to elevate your thinking to raise your life beyond where it is today.  Marshall Goldsmith got it right when he said, “What got you here won’t get you there.”

If you want different results than what you’ve been getting, then you have to start acting differently.  But first, you must change your mind.  I mean this quite literally.  You must work to transform your thoughts to elevate your life.

Our actions are driven by our thoughts.  Therefore, by elevating our thoughts on a particular topic, we can produce better results in that area of our life.

An Example of How Elevated Thoughts Elevated My Life

A few years ago, I decided I wanted to do better with my personal finances.  I hadn’t done a terrible job, but I just wasn’t really getting ahead in the way that I wanted either.  I was stuck.

I knew I needed help to elevate my situation.  I turned to where I almost always go to learn new things.  I looked for a book on the subject and I got lucky.  I found Dave Ramsey’s The Total Money Makeover: A Proven Plan for Financial Fitness.  Well, actually my wife found it and read it first, but she twisted my arm until I read it too thankfully passed it along to me.

This book changed my mind about how I handle money and propelled me to greater financial achievement.  Here are a few examples of the new thinking that it gave me:

• I will spend less if I pay for most things with cash instead of a debit or credit card. – I used to always pay for everything with my debit card.  It was easy and convenient.  It was so easy that I spent more than I should have.  Psychologically speaking, studies have shown that it is just harder to hand cold, hard cash over to the clerk behind the counter than it is to whip out some plastic.  This one realization helped me significantly reduce frivolous spending.
• I absolutely must have a budget to adequately direct my money toward my priorities. – I never even balanced my checkbook before I read Dave’s book.  Honestly, I resisted the idea of living on a budget.  I thought it would cramp my style.  However, slowly, but surely I became convinced that a budget was the tool I needed to accomplish my financial goals.  Since I started using a budget, I’ve really started winning with money and building my net worth.
• I need to be debt free to get ahead financially. – I’ve had debt since I was in high school.  I borrowed money to buy cars and in college I got my first credit card.  I thought owing other people money was just what adults did.  However, Dave educated me and helped me to see that my debt was draining me of all my financial power.  It was the ball and chain keeping me from getting ahead.  Now I’m debt free except for my mortgage and I’m saving a nice little nest egg.
• I can become wealthy even though I’m just a regular guy. – Previously, I thought that the only people that become wealthy were those that won the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes or that inherited a ton of money from a long, lost relative.  However, my thoughts have changed on this notion as well.  I now realize that accumulating cash has a lot more to do with having a plan and being disciplined in executing the plan over time than it does coming into some big windfall.  I know that regular people can become very prosperous.

Can you see how my thinking on the subject of money evolved?  Dave Ramsey’s book started turning my mind in a different direction which resulted in new behavior that I’d never exhibited before.  This new behavior produced new and better results.  I elevated my thoughts and it elevated my life.

You can apply this same technique in any area of your life where you want to see improvement!

3 Steps to Elevate Your Thinking to Elevate Your Life

Do you have an area of your life that you’d like to improve?  If so, then I’d suggest following these three steps to elevate your thinking so you can quickly reach your goals.

1.  Expose Yourself   (not like that!)

“You will be the same person in five years as you are today except for the people you meet and the books you read.” ~ Charles “Tremendous” Jones

Identify a way to expose yourself to some new ideas in the area in which you want to improve.  You want to educate yourself on how people with demonstrated success in your chosen area have done it.    For me, I usually turn to books or web sites, but you might be different.  You might prefer a class, a seminar or just talking to other successful people about it.  The method doesn’t matter, seeking the keys that made others successful is what you are after in anyway that you can get it.

However, you find this new information, I’d highly suggest that you record it somehow for later reference.  At the very least, write down the key things that struck you in a journal so you can refer back to them later.  Changing your mind will likely take a little while.  Don’t rush it.  Let the new ideas soak in thoroughly by referring back to them often.

2.  Question Your Thinking

“The man who views the world at fifty the same as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life.”  ~ Muhammad Ali

As you mull over these new ideas, start questioning your old thinking and behavior.  Ask yourself, “Why do I believe the way I do about this?  How do my beliefs influence my behavior in this area?”  Try to be honest with yourself and really unpack the whys and hows of your thinking on the subject.  Play the role of Dr. Phil and ask yourself, “How’s that workin’ for ya?”  List out the outcomes you’ve experienced compared to the results you really desire.  This will help you to see where your old thinking has fallen short and it will help you to see the logic in the new ideas. 

Spend some time with the ideas you want to reject out right.  These could be where you can experience the most gain.  These might just be the keys to your success!

This is probably a good time to refer back to the reference material you established in Step 1.  I’d also suggest that you talk it over with a trusted advisor.  Saying things out loud helps to sort it all out.  Through all this, you will likely start to see a new path towards greater achievement!

3.  Start Acting

“The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing.” ~ Walt Disney

Develop a plan based on your new elevated thinking and act on it daily.  Set written goals for yourself and check them off as you accomplish them.  The documented results will build your confidence and maintain your motivation for your new, elevated thinking.

Beware because you are likely going to encounter some resistance to your new thinking.  Someone or something in your life will likely resist the change that you are creating.  This is typical.  You should expect it and be comforted when it appears.  This means that you are on the right track.  You are actually changing enough to make a difference!  Be firm, but gentle and continue until you have overcome the resistance.  Don’t let it discourage or dissuade you!

What do you do to elevate your thoughts to elevate your life?  Leave me a comment and let me know! 

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What was your attitude this morning as you got out of bed about the day that lay before you?  Were you expectant or were you dreading something? 

Life can either be a chore or an adventure.  It is really up to us.  We choose how we view our days.

Danger lurks all around us, but one of the sneakiest and deadliest menaces we face is this tendency to start a day dreading it.

How your mind will rob you of all the adventure in life if you let it

It is so incredibly easy to slip into thinking negatively about a day, event or activity.  It might be because it is going to be too hot or too cold or too far to travel or with the wrong people or because you have to be away from home or it’s out of your comfort zone or whatever.

A negative thought creeps in and suddenly, before you know it, you are dreading the day.  Your expectations for the period are totally twisted and knotted to the point that you become completely apprehensive about the whole thing.

It could be a day at work, a meeting, a trip or even something that is supposed to be fun like a date, a vacation or a holiday.  We have an amazing ability to psych ourselves out over the most trivial of details.

This negative thinking and dread is the mass murderer of all the fun and adventure in our life.  It silently and efficiently destroys our enjoyment leaving us bound up in fear, boredom and isolation.  It is truly a cancer of the mind!

My personal experience dealing with this cancer of the mind

I’ve made the mistake of dreading way too many of my days.  I’m not a complete sourpuss, but at times I have fallen into a rut of viewing a lot of things, things that could be seen in a positive light, with dread.

For example, I remember back when I was in the Air Force.  I was part of a flight crew that got deployed to various parts of the world.  I often dreaded these trips because they took me away from my home and loved ones for extended periods of time.

Obviously, being away was less than optimal, but at the same time I got to travel to places that many people never get to see.  I got to experience cultures and happenings that broadened my view of the world.  As a result, I know things many others do not.

However, the dread often overshadowed the opportunity in these trips.  It hung as a dark cloud over me for days before and even during these trips.  It robbed me of some of the enjoyment and adventure that I could have experienced if I wouldn’t have focused so intensely on the negative.

I’m not saying that being away shouldn’t have bothered me, but I should have controlled it instead of letting it control me.

There are also simpler examples in my day-to-day life.  For instance, on occasion, my wife suggests we do something like go to the zoo with the kids or take a day trip somewhere.  I have to admit that my first thought is sometimes a negative one.  I think it will be too much walking or too much time in the car or that I’d rather just stay home and relax.

If I let these thoughts run wild, then they can blossom into full-blown dread.  Fortunately, I am learning to squelch these thoughts quickly.

How to overcome dread and embrace the adventure in life

Dread can arise in our work or personal life.  It will derail you from living life to the fullest.  It is truly a cancer that kills your adventure and enjoyment. 

Here’s how I have started combating it:

1.  Consciously examine your thoughts and attitudes

I have really become aware lately of the little ways that I start developing a negative attitude toward something.  I’ve been listening closely to my speech and my thoughts and I’m amazed at how often subtle forms of negativity have crept into my life.  This conscious awareness is the starting point for defeating dread.  Recognizing what you are up against is often the first step in beating it.

2.  Halt the negative thinking as soon as you recognize it

Whenever you realize that you are starting down a path toward dread, then stop immediately.  Squelch the negative thoughts!  Shake them off!  Sometimes I actually physically shake my head (when I’m alone) to get the negative thoughts out of my mind.  Another technique I use to overcome negative thinking is distraction.  I divert my mind by reading a positive book or engaging in an absorbing hobby.  The point is that you have to immediately stop yourself from continuing down the path to dread.

3.  Replace negative thoughts with positive ones

I make a list of the positive benefits I’ll gain from what I’m beginning to dread.  You can do this in your mind, orally with another person or on paper.  For me, it depends on the situation.  If I’m alone, then I often just do this mentally.  If I’m with someone else like my wife, then I’ll start discussing with her the good things that could result from the activity.  If it is something that will occur further out in the future, then I often write down my positive thoughts so I can refer back to them often.  Emphasizing positive outcomes in your mind is a powerful antidote.

4.  Accept and be open to new experiences

We often control all the adventure right out of our lives.  We over plan and over analyze to the point that we drain the fun out of most things.  As I start thinking more positively about a situation, I automatically relax and feel more open to the new experience it brings.  This openness leaves room for adventure.  It makes serendipity or unexpected fortunate discoveries possible!  It is truly the path to a full and fun life!

A ship in harbor is safe — but that is not what ships are built for.
~ John A. Shedd

These simple steps are all it takes to welcome adventure!

These are truly basic, simple steps that anyone can take.  Some might write them off as being too simplistic, but I’ve been using them myself and I can tell you that they work.  A positive, expectant attitude is such a better way to live!  It opens doors for new adventures and experiences.  It frees you from fear and worry.  And it will take you places that you would have never gone otherwise!

Have you let dread get the better of you?  How will you combat it?

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Changing our attitude and beliefs toward an area of life that is an obstacle to our success will change our behavior and therefore change the outcome.  Continually doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different end result is crazy.

Are there areas in your life where you have hit a glass ceiling?  Does it seem like you keep trying and trying, but fail to make any progress past a certain point?  Are you frustrated that you cannot get ahead in an area of your life?  Read on!

How can we change our thoughts to overcome obstacles?

Changing how we think about certain situations in life is often difficult, but essential.  Otherwise, we end up continually fighting the same problem repeatedly without ever making any progress.

As an example, we seem to get into the same arguments over and over again with our spouses.  We feel stuck in dead-end jobs.  We continue bad habits even though we know they aren’t good for us.  Why?  Because we persist in looking at the problem from the same angle.  We cling to inaccurate or incorrect thinking without really reevaluating our position.

It often seems that changing our point of view is almost impossible.  How can we change the way we think about these things so we can overcome these obstacles?  I ran across an illustration that I think will help.

Imagine that you are holding a glass of dirty water in your hand.  It’s full of all kinds of particles, sand and dirt.

If you were to pour fresh, clean water into that glass continually and just let it overflow, eventually all the dirty water would be gone.

All you would have left would be the pure, clean water.  And you wouldn’t have to really do anything to get rid of the dirty water except allow the new, clean water to flow.

~ Joel Osteen

Overcoming obstacles is easy once we understand

You might want to reread the quote above.  Isn’t it amazing?  It basically says that we can overcome the biggest and most difficult obstacles in our lives very easily.  All we have to do is allow the pure, clean water to flow into the place where our impure thoughts exist.

We just need to continually pour the right thinking into our minds so that it eventually forces the inaccurate thoughts out.  In other words, we can retrain our thoughts by simply repeatedly and frequently filling our minds with the right thoughts.

We can essentially brainwash ourselves to behave in anyway we want.  It just takes good input, an open mind, and time. 

Start to retrain your thoughts for success

Give this a try.  Choose an area of your life where you seem stuck.  It could be your marriage, your finances, your career, or your relationship with your children.  It can be any area of your life.  Just pick an area where you want to experience more success.

Once you’ve chosen the area, then start locating the fresh, clean water.  Find new inputs that will help you change your thinking.  Please realize that you need new inputs with a point of view that is different than what you hold now. 

You need to change your thinking and the only way to do that is to fill you mind with new thoughts.  Don’t choose inputs that simply reinforce the way you think now.  It won’t help.  Instead, find people that have already accomplished what you hope to accomplish and then find out how they did it.

Go fill your mind with their thoughts.  If you want to be a millionaire, then find someone with lots of money to talk to.  If you want to be a great spouse, then find someone that has been successfully married for 50 years.  If you want to become CEO, then find heads of companies and ask them how they did it.

How to keep pouring the right thoughts into your mind

It is likely that you will need to keep pouring the right kind of thinking into your mind for weeks, months and maybe even years before you will succeed.  How do you do this?

You can’t sit with a person 24 hours a day.  Therefore, besides just finding others who have succeeded in the area you have chosen, you also need to find other inputs.  Of course, you want to be sure that you only follow the advice of those who have already accomplished what you want to do.  This is crucial. 

Here are some ideas:

• Read books by successful people in your chosen area
• Read good blogs
• Join a group, club or association
• Locate free videos on YouTube on the subject
• Listen to talk radio shows
• Find a friend with the same interest to trade ideas
• Do all of the above and more!

Obstacles will disappear once we see things clearly

The dirty water will eventually disappear if we keep pouring in the fresh, clean water.  It will take some time, but we can retrain our thoughts and overcome the obstacles that have held us back.  Follow others that have gone before you and learn to think like they do.  This is a surefire way to think your way to success!

In what areas do you need to retrain your thinking to overcome obstacles?

Other articles that might interest you:
Top Ten Tips To Overcome Obstacles to Success
Gaining Perspective Helps to Achieve Excellence in Life
Resist Change At All Costs Even If It Is For The Better

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