Who Am I And Why Am I Here?
I’ll never forget hearing Admiral James Stockdale ask this question as he started his comments in a 1992 Vice-Presidential debate. Stockdale was Ross Perot’s running mate and I don’t think he ever adequately answered the question. However, no one seemed to forget it. It is a vital question. One that we should ask ourselves and, unlike Admiral Stockdale, be sure we answer it completely. We are who we believe ourselves to be. I have been pondering this a lot lately so, let me share some of my thoughts and struggles with these questions.
We live out our positive and negative labels.
First, I have thought about how we seem to live out the labels that we are given when we are young. The labels can be positive or negative. It doesn’t seem to matter to us which they are, either way they have the same impact. How do we get these labels and what makes us believe some of them to be true while we reject others? Thinking about this is of particular concern to me because I am a father. Being a parent is a tremendous responsibility. How can we be sure to help our children acquire positive beliefs about themselves that will help them to live their best life while avoiding the negative ones?
I have some titles or labels that are obvious to me. I am a father, husband, manager, man, Republican, and Christian. As a result, I behave in certain ways because I have adopted these titles. For example, I have a picture in my mind of what a father should be and my behavior is a result of the fact that I have accepted this role and my mental image of it. Of course, some of this mental image of what a father should be I’m sure is flawed. So, we not only have to ask ourselves what labels we have adopted, but how we picture this label in our minds so we can determine how it effects our behavior.
We often don’t even realize the labels that we assign to ourselves.
For me, it seems that I bury the negative labels. Maybe it is because I don’t want to acknowledge and deal with them. I recently realized that In certain circumstances I believe myself to be a victim. I rejected the idea at first, but as I honestly evaluated my behavior and thinking, it became clear to me. I saw how I failed to take responsibility for some of my own behavior. Instead, I blamed others. As an example, when someone does something that makes me angry and I retaliate, I blame them because they provoked me. In my mind, I was a victim of their comments or actions. I failed to take full responsibility for my actions. This was incredibly difficult to accept, because I do not like thinking of myself as a victim.
Being totally honest with ourselves can be incredibly hard. It can be just as hard to look inside the labels we give to ourselves to see how they impact our behavior. Of course, 
this is most valuable when we use it to correct inaccurate mental images that lead us to behave in ways that are counterproductive. Over the years, I have struggled with my image of what it means to be a successful, productive member of a team. I have my ideas about this and my standards are high in certain areas. As a result, I am prone to making quick judgements against people I work with that don’t see things the same as I do. This has led to conflict which of course is counterproductive. I have had to adjust my mental image and expectations. I have to remind myself regularly that people are different and my ways are not the only ways to achieve the desired results.
How to recognize and correct this.
The example above suggests one powerful way that I have come to recognize when I am clinging to either a negative label or inaccurate mental image. If I am experiencing pain, conflict, or resistance in an area of my life, then it is likely that I need to either rethink one or more labels that I have accepted or an aspect of my mental picture of that role. I try to inventory my attitudes in that area to see where the discrepancy might exist. Of course, even when I identify the issue it isn’t always easy to deal with especially when the stinking thinking has existed for a long time. If I could completely solve this issue, then I would be a millionaire therapist!
Why it matters.
This brings me back to my children and Admiral Stockdale. Many people saw Stockdale as a kook after this debate. He seemed to start with a question that led many to believe he was mentally lost because he never successfully answered the question. As a parent, I want to help my children firmly believe every positive self-image possible so they can experience tremendous success in whatever they choose to pursue. I want to keep them from appearing mentally lost. I want them to know exactly who that are and why they are here. I will continue to wrestle with this because the stakes are too high not to.
I am interested in your thoughts about labels and behavior. Please leave me a comment and let me know if you struggle with this and how you deal with it. I could use the help.
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This was a great post, and touched on a theme I have tried to apply in my own life. I’ve been overweight most of my adult life and recently started a “low-impact” plan to shed some pounds. I’ve done this in the past and always gained it back (and then some). It occurred to me the reason for this was that I saw myself as an overweight person. I believed the label, and took negative actions (or in my case, inactions) to stay that way. Now I envision myself as a thinner, healthier person and am taking the actions to make that image a reality.
@FD – I’m glad you found this article useful! I’d love to hear how you went about changing your preception of yourself. It might make a nice article.
Great post. I am the same as your when you talk about always thinking you were right. I have learned that when I am caught up in the heat of the moment, I will argue because I believe I am right. Then, when the conversation is over, I step back and realize that the other person had a very valid point that was just different from mine. Now, I just have to remember that when in the discussion.
Tad
http://growingintoyou.com/
@Tad – It is difficult to catch yourself in the heat of the moment. I appreciate your comment!
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